From the Associated Press:
In a pep-rally atmosphere, with hundreds of cheering fans in attendance, God stood beside aging former NFL owner Art Modell on a dais just before sunrise Thursday morning and delivered the news that He would be moving Modell’s soul and ethereal spirit to the afterlife.
“This is truly a proud moment in the long and rich history of the afterlife,” God excitedly told the crowd. “To bring such an historic human being to our community is quite an achievement. This is truly a glorious day.”
Modell had been one of the most historic members of humankind since his creation in 1925, creating an passionate fan base along the way. Many of those fans expressed bitterness and anger at the Almighty Father’s announcement.
“While we do regret the disappointment and heartbreak Art Modell fans are no doubt experiencing today, this is simply something that had to happen,” God said.
The Absolute Being explained that he quietly signed the agreement to move Modell last Saturday night aboard a parked airplane owned by Al Lerner.
While possible impediments emerged when doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital attempted to prevent the move Wednesday night, God was pleased to announce that these obstacles had been averted. He also doesn’t expect any opposition from other religious deities, who could technically try to block the move at their annual divine-being meeting in January in San Diego.
The move brings a stunning conclusion to a long and occasionally heated negotiation between Modell’s family and the spirit of death. In the end, the afterlife was able to promise Art Modell a brand-new, $200 million heart rent-free, along with all the revenue from parking, concessions, and seat-licenses the new heart will create.
“What is required in terms of the heart we needed to make Art Modell a functional being, and what we have here in the afterlife, is far beyond the capacity of the community of the living,” God explained. “I was not going to be put in the position of time and time again being an extortionist, shake-down artist, what have you, asking for a bypass here or an angioplasty there. I was made an offer I simply could not refuse.”
Citizens of the empire of the dead will spend $1 million sprucing up Modell’s aging heart until his new omnipotent heart is completed and ready to begin pumping in 2014.
Modell’s new heart could enable God to clear annual profits of $30 million - quite a dramatic turnaround following years of struggle in which God claimed to have lost millions in keeping Modell’s outdated, rickety heart beating despite sold-out operating rooms filled with the greatest terrestrial doctors available.
Throughout the negotiations - which began with Modell’s triple-bypass surgery in 1983 - God complained that other, less profitable pro sports owners such as Al Davis had received entirely new non-corporeal upgrades in recent years without even asking for them.
The acquisition of Modell’s essence will allow God to enjoy revenue not possible in the land of the living, even if Modell’s family agreed to fund the construction of a new heart during a familial vote on Tuesday.
In His exuberance, God offered condolences to Modell’s friends and family. “This has been a very tough road and I am deeply sorry from the bottom of my heart,” He told the many reporters from physical reality. Then, realizing His choice of words, He added. “Ooh, yeah...maybe too soon for that one. Ah, well - life goes on." He stopped again. "Wow. Maybe too soon for that one, too."
God did note that He would be willing to allow Modell’s large eyeglasses and silver white hair to remain in physical reality to be granted to another entity that would eventually adopt Art Modell’s appearance and history.
When pressed by puny human reporters, questioning the logic of simply snatching up something so beloved and taking it elsewhere simply to earn more money, God huffily responded.
“His heart was old and falling part and they wouldn’t build me a new one,” He explained. “I had no choice.”