Written by Jonathan Knight

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If you were one of the lucky folks who strolled out to your mailbox this week and discovered a love note from ole’ Truck Stop Jimmy Haslam sandwiched in between the electric bill and 45 pages of Papa John’s coupons, clearly wishing you a happy new year would be redundant.

It’s always great when the guy who just moved in down the street and then set the neighborhood on fire when a batch of crystal meth got away from him drops you a line to let you know how his search for a new garage door is going. But this was something special.

As the Browns stagger toward another ill-fated and disastrous head-coaching decision, I, for one, appreciated Mr. Haslam taking a moment from his busy schedule of visiting county courthouses and lawyers’ offices across the Smoky Mountain region to let us all know he’s thinking of us.

And while his letter was both gripping and emotional, I couldn’t help but feel we wound up with an edited version. I mean, to fit it all on one page, some things had to be cut, right? So, as a seasoned editor, I took a swing at adding in the parenthetical comments that bring out the true message Jimmy Haslam was trying to deliver.

Please enjoy, and remember, while the Browns certainly look like the most preposterous franchise in all of sports....there’s really nothing to add to that sentence.

 

Fans,

I thought it was important to take a little bit of time (from begging investigators not to throw me into federal prison) to update you on our head-coach search (which we should probably start one of these days). 

We have had the opportunity to speak to a number of outstanding candidates (all of whom laughed and quickly hung up the phone). We have purposefully been very methodical in our approach (because we unapologetically have no idea what we’re doing). We believe it is very important to stay disciplined to this process (for lack of a better word) and to interview all (both) of the candidates on our list. We are strongly committed to finding the right person to coach the Cleveland Browns (and then firing his pathetic ass right after Christmas).

We understood from the beginning that if we wanted to speak to all (again, both) of the coaches on our list that we may need to wait until they have completed their participation in the playoffs (whatever those are). We are prepared to wait as long as necessary (and probably longer) because this is a very important decision (one we like to make at least once a year). Everyone in our organization is committed to finding the right leader for our team (or Jim Tressel).

We believe the head coach of the Cleveland Browns to be a very attractive position (to anyone currently eating out of an Arby’s dumpster). We have one of the youngest (and shittiest) teams in the league, a roster that includes five Pro Bowlers (each of whom would give his left testicle to get out of here). In addition, we have more salary-cap room than all but one NFL team (to lure free agents who have absolutely no interest in playing here). We also have three of the top 35 picks in the upcoming draft (which we’re willing to trade) and five of the top 83 selections (seriously, call us).

We are very much looking forward to adding a strong coach to our football team (and a friendly judge to the sixth district U.S. Court of Appeals). On behalf of the Cleveland Browns, I cannot thank you enough for your valuable support and passion that you show for our team (and the obscene amount of money you pass over to us without even thinking about it.)

We look forward to communicating with (manipulating) you again after the search process is complete (and we proudly introduce the guy from Florida who just killed someone for texting in a movie theater as our next head coach). 

Thank you again for your phenomenal support and loyalty (but we're firing you).

Sincerely (See you in hell, Chumps),

Jimmy Haslam

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