Written by Andrew Clayman

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It’s a sad day for Phil Hubbard, Brad Branson, Paul Mokeski, and the rest of the ’82 Cavs, for they stand alone no longer atop the pantheon of suck. Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and greet your new holders of the NBA’s all-time consecutive losses record, the 2010-2011 Cleveland Cavaliers!

Yes, the Cavs (8-43) gave us a good scare again tonight, hanging with their opponent for the third straight contest. But in the end, the Wine & Gold couldn’t hold off the perpetually injury-plagued Portland Trailblazers (27-24), falling by a final count of 111-105 in front of an official crowd of 19,975 at Quicken Loans Arena. Of course, it was “invisible cloak” night at the Q, so if it seemed like there were fewer than 19,975 people there, now you know why.

Along with tying the 81-82/82-83 Cavs for the most consecutive losses ever, Cleveland’s current 24-game rough patch also moves them past the 95-96 Grizzlies and 97-98 Nuggets as the sole owners of the NBA record for most consecutive losses in a single season. Sorry, Vancouver. Your relevance to professional basketball history is now officially over.

To best express the prevailing Cleveland fan response to this historic, almost unrealistic losing streak, I offer the wisdom of the late George Carlin:

“Don't you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV... don't you hope it spreads? Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don't root for the firemen, do you? I mean I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don't want them to put out my fire. That's my fire!”

The 2010-11 Cleveland Cavaliers are our raging, out-of-control fire, and many of us don’t even seem ashamed to admit that we want to watch this blaze engulf the rest of the schedule in a towering inferno of failure.

A post-Super Bowl trip to Dallas is up next for Antawn and the gang, so the ’82 Cavs will be brushed from the record book for good on Monday. After that, it’s three straight games against shitty teams (Detroit, the Clippers, and Washington). But as if it need be said, a traditionally shitty team is the ’96 Bulls when compared to the giant mound of triceratops dung that is our Cavaliers. And yes, I realize that relating this team to both a wildfire and dinosaur feces is mixing metaphors a bit, so let’s just say that the 2010-2011 Cleveland Cavaliers are a giant mound of dinosaur crap that’s been poured over with gasoline and set ablaze.

Before moving on to the mercifully brief recap of the Portland game, I think it’s best to start by taking a trip in the “this time last year” machine to February 6, 2010. At this time a year ago, the Cavaliers were in the midst of a season-best 13-game WINNING streak, and they were fresh off a 102-86 shellacking of… the Miami Heat, of course. The Cavs record 365 days ago was 40-11.

Now it’s mighty hard to wrap one’s mind around a team in any sport going from a winning percentage of 78% to 16% in one year. So Cavs forward Jamario Moon was kind enough to re-enact the whole thing with a brilliant piece of symbolic performance art before the game last night. First, he left his home behind the wheel of a gorgeous Mercedes L350, feeling pretty damn good about himself and his cool name. Then, some snow flurries started up, raising some doubts about his ability to safely reach his destination. Finally, an unsuspecting Jamario drove smack into the backside of a truck that had slid out across the center divider. The driver of said truck naturally made the “decision” to flee the scene. And while Jamario was uninjured and managed to suit up for the game, his vehicle was basically totaled. In fact, he’d be a fool to try to get it repaired at this point. The only real option, clearly, is to just go buy a new car. Why suffer through a whole year driving around a busted up junker just cuz it used to be a Mercedes? 

Anyway, the game itself. Well, as has been the general pattern during this string of games for which the word “slump” seems laughably outdated, Byron Scott’s crew of rejects from the Isle of Misfit D-Leaguers managed to trade buckets with the Blazers fairly successfully in the first half, going into the locker room with a 57-55 lead. The aforementioned Mr. Moon actually was a key contributor to a second quarter rally that put the Cavs ahead, knocking down a couple threes.

Also sticking to the script, the Cavs got equal parts scrappy and sloppy down the stretch, eventually fighting back from a 10-point deficit to cut it to 107-105 with 1:23 to go. That’s when our old pal from 1,000 years ago Andre Miller hit a fadeaway J to essentially seal it. There were some free throws and crap after that, but little drama.

Portland was sans Brandon Roy, but they have this guy named Wesley Mathews who I must admit I know absolutely nothing about. Anyway, he scored 31 points—twice his season average-- so that’s nice for him. LaMarcus Aldridge is a 10-point scorer this year, so adjusting for Cavalier defense, he scored his appropriate 20. Rudy Fernandez also doubled his season average with 17.

The Cavs were paced by Jamison yet again with 17. Ramon Sessions showed signs of making us think he has potential again, putting in a very nice line of 15, 6, and 7 while shooting 7 of 11 from the field. Manny Harris hit a couple threes and scored 12 off the bench, and Jamario Moon—perhaps fresh off a George Bailey type re-assessment of the meaning of life— returned from benchwarming Siberia to score 14. Lest it be repeated, the Cavs still lost. 24 and counting…