Written by Andrew Clayman

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Let’s face it. For a while there, the NBA’s once electrifying All-Star Weekend festivities were starting to get pretty damn stale. The dunk had become passé, the 3-point shootout was a brick toss amongst bench jockeys, and the Legends game was scrapped due to the uptick in old fat guys shattering their fibulas. It wasn’t until 2003 that the NBA finally found the solution to its All-Star woes. They called it the Skills Challenge, but I like to call it the most exciting half hour in sports.

Suffice it to say, anticipation is at an all-time high for the 2011 Taco Bell Skills Challenge. I mean, just look at the field: rookie sensation John Wall, MVP candidate Derrick Rose, elite point guards Chris Paul and Russell Westbrook, and sharpshooter Stephen Curry, who’s from Akron. Yeah, I didn’t know that either. Man, now I’m even more excited!

So, we’ve got five of the most talented young players on the planet going head to head in their very own All-Star Saturday showdown. Sounds amazing. But perhaps you’re wondering, “hey, what exactly is this Skills Challenge thing again? I have no recollection of this event whatsoever and I’m pretty sure I’ve watched All-Star Saturday the past few years.”

Ok, well that’s obviously a really stupid, ignorant question, but I’ll play along anyway. What is the Taco Bell NBA All-Star Weekend Skills Challenge, you ask? Well, first of all, it’s presented by Taco Bell. That’s pretty important. Second of all, it’s the single most ingenious test of speed, endurance, athleticism, courage, wisdom, manliness, and dribbling that’s ever been devised. To put it another way, the NBA Skills Challenge is an obstacle course of the human spirit, and it goes something like this…

1. Player must make a lay-up.

2. Player must dribble the ball around some orange cones.

3. Player must pass the ball through a large inner tube.

4. Player must bounce-pass the ball through a second large inner tube.

5. Player must make a mid range jumper.

6. Player must pass ball through a further away inner tube.

7. Player must dribble through more cones.

8. Player must make another lay-up.

If your mind’s not blown already, consider this… It’s All Timed! So it’s not just guys dribbling back and forth and bouncing the ball through circles. F%^k no! It’s guys dribbling back and forth and bouncing the ball through circles in a hurry! Usually, anyway. Sometimes when they screw up the bounce-pass part or something, they just stroll through the rest of the course since they know they’re out of it. But still, it’s riveting television. So much dribbling and bouncing and uncontested leisurely shooting— it’s like the Home Run Derby’s back on steroids again!

Of course, like most people, I have my favorite Taco Bell NBA All-Star Skills Challenge memories. With this year’s event back in Los Angeles, for example, it will be hard not to think of Baron Davis triumphantly out-dribbling Earl Boykins at the 2004 competition at Staples Center. I think we all remember where we were on February 16, 2008, too, when Deron Williams shocked the New Orleans crowd by narrowly breaking Steve Nash’s course record of 25.8 seconds. Deron’s mad dash through those final suffocating cones—punctuated by a thunderous lay-up—got him in the winner’s circle at 25.5 seconds. But more importantly, it solidified his legend as one of the greatest pro athletes of all-time.

For a number of years, many analysts have criticized LeBron James for cowardly avoiding the Slam Dunk Competition, particularly after his own bold guarantees that he would enter the contest last season. What these critics seem to forget is that LBJ competed not once, but TWICE in the Taco Bell NBA All-Star Skills Challenge, (presented by Taco Bell), narrowly losing to his best friend and life partner Dwyane Wade in both 2006 and 2007. In a contest designed for the game’s smaller ball handlers, the 6’8” James showed his balls were as small as anyone’s.

So which player will achieve iconic status by winning this year’s TBNBAASSCPBTB?  Well, defending champ Steve Nash said he didn’t feel physically able to handle the contest’s grueling demands this year, so Vegas likes the new champ to be Chris Paul—the competitor most recognized for his cone-avoidance and passing-a-ball-through-an-inner-tube ability. I can’t disagree with Paul’s chances. He is excellent at not dribbling the basketball off his foot while progressing down the court. He also shoots nearly 99% from the field on uncontested lay-ups. However, my money is on Westbrook. The Long Beach native and former UCLA star has probably thrown a ton of basketballs through inner tubes while goofing around on the beach, and he shoots roughly the same percentage on uncontested lay-ups as Paul.

Anyway, no matter who takes home the Taco Bell Quad Steak Burrito-shaped trophy, we’re all guaranteed another thirty minutes of pure fundamental entertainment, and a lifetime of dribbling memories.