Written by Andrew Clayman

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For a half a second last summer, Byron Scott was actually asked about rumors of his old point guard Chris Paul coming to Cleveland to be LeBaby Whines’ new BFF and solidify a championship contending roster. Now, in the post-apocalyptic bizarro world that has become Coach Scott’s reality, he’s somehow wound up with the other Hornet point guard from his past and a starting forward tandem of Samardo Samuels and Alonzo Gee—two players with a combined total of zero NBA games under their belts coming into this season. Anyway, it should come as little surprise that this Cavs team lost soundly to Chris Paul’s New Orleans Hornets tonight at the Q, 96-81. But the way it went down is actually a bit hard to figure.

The evening’s focus would be squarely on the match-up of CP3 and Cleveland’s brand new Bearded Wonder, Baron Davis. But it’d be Ramon Sessions who would deliver the knockout punch—literally. With four minutes left in the third quarter and the Cavs (12-50) clinging to a 61-60 lead, a diving Chris Paul bashed his skull into Sessions’ innocently protruding shoulder blade, sending the future New York Knick to the floor in a heap of purple and green. As a hush fell over the crowd, trainers rushed to Paul’s aide, but they lacked the medical skill to revive the All-Star guard. That’s when Cavalier forward Joey “Moonlight” Graham stoically rose from his seat at the end of the bench and began walking toward the fallen Paul. As he crossed over the sideline on to the court itself, Graham’s uniform magically transformed into an old man's suit, and his Gatorade bottle and towel morphed into a medical kit.

“Stand aside,” Graham calmly told the small crowd of trainers and players huddled around the unconscious CP3. After a moment, the kindly old Doc Graham assessed the situation. “This point guard is choking to death,” he said. He then lifted up Paul, patted his back twice, and caught a chunk of hot dog that had become wedged in the player’s throat.

Relieved, Coach Scott thanked Joey Graham for saving his former star player. Then, a harsh realization set in. “My god,” Scott said. “You can’t go back, can you?”

“It’s okay,” Graham said with a big smile. “I’ve only played like two minutes in the past month anyway. I best be getting home… otherwise Alicia will start suspecting I been banging some other shorty.”

So, anyway, Paul really did get his clock cleaned. And trainers took him out on a stretcher for precautionary reasons. He never lost consciousness, though, and he drew a large cheer from the Cleveland faithful with the traditional thumbs-up as he was wheeled away. Diagnosis: concussion. Might miss a few games.

Good news for the Hornets (37-28) is that they apparently don’t really need the guy. Led by David West, New Orleans outscored Cleveland 36-20 after Paul’s departure, as the Cavs shot a pathetic 4 for 22 in the final 16 minutes.

After taking charge down the stretch in the Cavs’ Friday win over the Knicks, Baron Davis disappointingly lost his mojo in the fourth quarter tonight. A half court buzzer-beating heave at the end of the third quarter proved to be his lone bucket of the second half. Still, it was a solid stat line again for Beardy McBeardson, coming off the bench with 17 points (including 4-7 from downtown), 6 assists, 5 rebounds, and a couple steals.

Davis led the Cavalier attack in the first half, as they went into the locker room trailing just 51-48, but the offense proved anemic from that point on. How does 37% shooting for the game work for you? Starting guards Sessions and Anthony Parker both were flinging bricks most of the night (each finished 3-10 from the field). J.J. Hickson wasn’t much better at 5 for 15, but he still wound up with another double-double, 15 and 10. Unfortunately, he had no solution on the other end of the floor for David West, who was nearly scratched from the game with a bum ankle, but wound up pacing the Hornets with 23 points and 7 boards.

All told, New Orleans had six players in double figures. Even on a shortened night, Paul notched a double-double with 13 points and 11 assists. Guard Marco Belinelli is a 9-point scorer on the season, so with CDI (Cleveland Defense Inflation), he got his expected 18. Similarly, Jarrett Jack (7.6 PPG) dropped in 14.

Lest they be lost in the shadow of Baron von Beardhausen, Cleveland also got its first look at its new Celtic cast-offs Luke Harangody and Semih Erden tonight. It was Harangody’s second game as a Cav overall and Erden’s debut. And simply put, no one will ever tell their grandchildren of the night that Erden and Harangody came to town.

Harangody: 2-5, 4 pts, 1 rebound in 16 minutes

Erden: 0-3, 0 points, 5 rebounds in 11 minutes

Impressively, all of Erden’s boards were of the offensive variety, but if memory serves, those were mostly the direct consequences of his own missed shots, so… I’ll still take these guys over a future second-rounder and more playing time for Moonlight Graham.

Up next… an epic, Tuesday night war with Golden State. Not sure if this will be an ESPN or TNT broadcast, but rest assured, we’ll get an A Team announcing crew, for sure.

Fun observation: you can use the names of players on the current Cavs roster to form a sentence that sounds like a totally legit Star Wars language.

 

 

 “Eyenga erden gee, harangody samardo!”