Written by Jonathan Knight

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As the world of respectable professional journalism slowly fades away like a diseased, dying rat, it’s fascinating to see what takes its place.

Trained, seasoned reporters are substituted for “citizen journalists,” another term for primates with opposable thumbs who can summarize the French Revolution in less than 140 characters. Thought-provoking programs focused on intelligent debate are replaced by “personalities” screaming at each other while spewing rage and rhetoric.

And investigative reporting, made famous by Woodward and Bernstein in their historic coverage of the Watergate scandal in the early 1970s, has been replaced by a much prettier and easier-to-understand aspect of our culture: “movies.”

ESPN, always a leader in the field (except when it comes to March Madness – oopsy, Bristol, didn’t see much of you last week), eagerly jumped on board this gravy train, turning itself into a bona fide Universal Studios of the 1930s over the past few years, even adopting the subsidiary “ESPN Films.” (For just a second, consider the news equivalent of “CNN Films” and you’ll begin to conceptualize the potential conflicts.)

As disgusting, manipulative, and cocksure as ESPN is in most of what it does, its recent “30 for 30” documentary series was remarkably well-done, primarily because the network turned to proven, independent directors to create the documentaries and more or less stayed the hell out of the creative process.

Its “fictionalized” movies, on the other hand are, shall we say, less respected. The wildly bloated The Bronx is Burning four years ago took a wonderful book about the socioeconomic climate of New York City in the 1970s combined with the drama of 1977 Yankees, and turned it into a self-glorifying eight-episode miniseries (equaling the epic Roots, by the way) primarily focusing on what incredible assholes Reggie Jackson, George Steinbrenner, and Billy Martin truly were.

Tom Sizemore’s portrayal of Pete Rose in Hustle in 2004 was just weird, and other curiously unnecessary films such as A Season on the Brink and ill-conceived series such as Playmakers and Tilt have been, at best, unremarkable.

So clearly, it’s only a matter of time before The Worldwide Dealer in Sports turns its attention to the greatest sports drama to take place during the limited memory span of anyone willing to watch SportsCenter five times in a row on a Wednesday morning: LeBron James’ heart-wrenching “Decision” in the summer of 2010.

And here’s the bad news, guys. I’m afraid the following should be read as a scroll in yellow text marching up a black screen:

Little did we know as we tried to survive this miserable sports year that the GALACTIC ESPN EMPIRE has already secretly begun construction on a new “Decision” project even more powerful than the first dreaded “Decision” telecast – a manipulative vehicle with enough power to destroy the truth behind the entire story. When completed, the film will spell certain doom for the small band of Cleveland fans struggling to restore respect to their city.

Striking from a hidden base, Cleveland spies have managed to steal the secret plans to ESPN’s ultimate project, LEBRON: THE MOVIE, and below they are published for the first time.

ESPN Films Presents

LEBRON: THE MOVIE

“The Decision” Was Only Part of the Decision...

CAST

LeBron James played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

The perfect fit: a muscular, dim-witted meathead capable of “acting” for up to three minutes at a stretch.

Of course, to better understand the complex, tortured Shakespearean soul that is LeBron James, there will be several flashback scenes from his childhood, including one in which he nobly steals the Cross of Coronado away from a bunch of grave-robbers and leads them on a frantic chase across a circus train in which he falls into a pit of snakes and tames a lion with a whip.

After it’s all over and LeBron is forced to give back the cross, Lou Gehrig, the leader of the grave-robbers will step forward. Gehrig, played by Alec Baldwin, will take his Yankees cap off his head and place it atop LeBron’s.

GEHRIG: You got guts, kid. Wear this whenever you leave the house. And if anybody makes fun of you for wearing it, that means they’ll never understand you.

 

(We flash-forward to LeBron wearing the cap at the Indians-Yankees playoff game in 2007 and now understand that the ever-heartless Cleveland fans just don’t get it.)

Another crucial flashback will be one of the most chilling scenes of the movie, taking place on the night the Cavaliers win the 2007 Eastern Conference title. After the game, LeBron returns home to his modest tri-level in Parma and is settling in to watch a Disney movie with his wife and kids when there’s a squeal of tires outside and suddenly bricks crash through the front windows.

While the wife and kids cower in the darkness, LeBron pulls several pieces of paper rubber-banded to the bricks and sees they’re scribbled with hateful messages.

“No matter how many Basketball Super Bowls you take us to, we’ll never love you!”

 

“Boobie and the big white Russian guy won it for us, not you!”

 

“Go back to Akrun and make some rubber!”

 

(One tear rolls down LeBron’s innocent cheek.)

Delonte West played by Emmanuel Lewis

Granted, the actor we knew as Webster hasn’t really worked in 20 years, but he’s the natural choice to play the annoyingly short thorn in LeBron’s side and personify the reason LeBron could never carry the Cavs to a title.

A lá Snidely Whiplash, we’ll see Delonte meet secretly with Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy (played by former porn star Ron Jeremy) before the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals and tell him the Cavs have a problem defending the three-point shot and that the Magic should shoot as many as possible. With this highly confidential information at his disposal, Van Gundy can’t help but defeat the betrayed LeBron.

Later, in a surprising twist, the mystery of LeBron’s sometimes-injured elbow will finally be explained in a scene in which West slips a dose of an occasional-and-completely-unpredictable-elbow-inflammatory-virus into LeBron’s Powerade during the 2010 playoffs.

Gloria James played by Halle Berry

The beautiful, ultra-classy, and sophisticated Halle Berry is the mirror image of LeBron’s golden-hearted mother, who served as a rock of stability and sound judgment throughout his playing career.

Dan Gilbert played by Anthony Hopkins

It only seemed fitting to cast demonic Hannibal Lecter as LeBron’s nemesis. Wearing his trademark rat-mask throughout the film, Hopkins will portray Gilbert as a soulless corporate monster interested only in using LeBron to help legalize gambling and prostitution in Cuyahoga County.

Included will be a controversial scene in which Gilbert accuses LeBron of quitting during a playoff loss. He then bites the face off of Jamario Moon and eats it with fava beans to show his displeasure.

Later, there will be a scene in which LeBron honorably stops by the owner’s office just after the season ends to forthrightly tell the Cavs’ owner that he’s going to Miami and that he should do whatever he can in the offseason to make sure the Cavs stay competitive.

GILBERT (voice whistling through the rat mask): What about the lambs, LeBron?

 

LEBRON (puzzled): Lambs? Do you mean fans?

 

GILBERT: No difference, my young servant whom I own like a piece of property – they make weird noises and you occasionally have to hold them down and use shears to cut something off of them that you can make money off of. Either way, have they stopped screaming?

 

LEBRON: They never did scream for me, Mr. Gilbert. They never did.

Mike Brown played by Al Roker

Portrayed as friendly and jovial but generally clueless when it comes to understanding LeBron’s true emotions, the image of Brown as LeBron’s protector and confidant will be shattered in the film during several scenes in which he confuses LeBron during timeouts of crucial games when he suddenly begins talking about the weekend forecast.

Pat Riley played by Michael Douglas

Fresh off his slicked-hair revival as soulless corporate role model Gordon Gecko, Michael Douglas will portray Pat Riley as the plucky small businessman who comes to LeBron’s rescue when he sees the abuse he’s taking in Cleveland, offering him a way to save his family.

But we’ll also see Riley’s softer side in a fireside scene with a troubled LeBron:

LEBRON: But Coach, if I take my talent to South Beach, won’t it just lead to more stars getting together to form superteams only in cities they like? So like, won’t all the teams eventually have to move to one of like six cities? What about Cleveland, Coach? Nobody’ll want to go there. 

 

RILEY (sighing): Your respect for those ‘people’ is admirable, LeBron. But it’s not like they live near an ocean. They never created a hug e building-sized billboard of you and hung it up like a landmark and pinned all the hopes and dreams of the city on you. They just want to make money off you, man. They’re not looking out solely for what’s best for your career like I am. Besides, once the Cavs move and become L.A.’s fourth team, Cleveland fans can still catch all the action on NBA TV.  

 

LEBRON (sighing with relief): Aw, thanks, Coach. That makes me feel a lot better.

Dwayne Wade played by Kanye West

LeBron’s longtime friend makes the naïve LeBron realize that Cleveland is only taking advantage of him and that he can only find true fans and genuine loyalty by coming to live with him (and his comic-relief coke-dealing cousin) in Miami.

Chris Bosh created by Industrial Light & Magic

Deemed too unrealistic to portray by casting a human being, ILM designers will work tirelessly to match Bosh’s demonic stature and appearance with state-of-the-art special effects.

David Stern played by Chris Farley

Now dead 14 years, Chris Farley is the ideal choice to play the lifeless, powerless NBA commissioner. Stern’s scenes will be shots of Farley in Tommy Boy spliced together reciting lines such as “This is what the fans want” and “Whatever LeBron does is good for the game.”

LeBron’s Posse played by Boyz II Men

This sensitive, thoughtful group of young men who help LeBron cope with all the maddening problems of his unasked-for celebrity status will be portrayed by the talented group of singers who hung their hats on respecting women and loving their mothers.

But over the course of the film, LeBron’s boyhood friends, all of whom have master’s degrees in social work, will be ostracized by Dan Gilbert, who forces them to actually work for their Cavalier paychecks, often having to sweep the confetti off the floor of the Q after Cavs wins.

To entice teen viewers, the posse will perform several musical numbers, including a remake of the 1950s classic “Get a Job” and, naturally, something by Kanye.

Jim Gray played by Walter Cronkite

Actually, like any project that wishes to succeed, the script will be completely devoid of any mention of Jim Gray. Walter Cronkite will play himself.

The film will tackle the controversial subject of “The Decision.” While many criticized LeBron and his mythical “handlers” (who have no role in the movie, thereby never existing in the first place) for being manipulative and wildly arrogant by arranging the announcement to be broadcast live on ESPN, for the first time, the true story will be told.

There will be a delightful cameo by ESPN personality Stuart Scott, who runs into LeBron in the NICU unit at the Cleveland Clinic a half-hour following a playoff game. After discussing what they can do to help improve the nation’s literacy rate, their conversation turns to LeBron’s upcoming announcement.

LEBRON: I’m just afraid it’ll get lost, Double-S. Like if I just tell the Cleveland reporters, they’ll put it in the back of the sports section with all the little print with numbers I don’t understand and the ads for those “strip clubs.” And you know how Cleveland doesn’t have the internet yet.

 

SCOTT (sighing): I know, King. I know.

 

LEBRON: Well, I just don’t think anybody in America will know when I make my decision.

 

(LeBron looks wistfully at the infants through the glass, fighting for their very lives.)

 

LEBRON: I just can’t imagine anybody keeping the truth from these little guys.

 

SCOTT (Looking at LeBron in awe and respect, as if he were as cool as the other side of the pillow): Hang in there, big guy. Let me make a few calls. I think I can work something out for you.

 

(Silky smooth montage of Scott working the phones, bringing Walter Cronkite in to conduct a no-holds-barred interview and making sure that all the proceeds of the telecast went to breast-cancer research.)

Toward the end of the film, we learn that the money raised by ESPN from “The Decision” was just enough to put scientists over the top and they do indeed find a cure.

 

So there you have it. Coming soon to an ESPN network near you to forever set the record straight.

Word is the film is set to premiere in June right after the Heat’s dramatic Game Four victory over the Lakers to complete their sweep in the NBA Finals, which will wrap up another ESPN project of fiction informally titled “The 2011 Playoffs.”