Written by Andrew Clayman

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Forty-eight minutes simply wasn’t enough time to contain all the excitement last night at the Q as Baron Davis and the Cavaliers (minus Baron Davis) battled Deron Williams and the Nets (minus Deron Williams) in an overtime thriller. Well, “Thriller” might be an exaggeration. On the Michael Jackson scale, it’d probably rate closer to “Remember the Time”—you know, that less-than-memorable 1992 song with the weird Egyptian video where Jacko morphed into a cat, Eddie Murphy was a pharaoh or something, and Magic Johnson inexplicably showed up and hit a gong with a mallet? This game was like that, except there were no great basketball players involved—just Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend… and he may as well have morphed into a cat, because the Cavs certainly weren’t interested in blocking the dude out. Nets 98, Cavs 94.

Coming into the game, New Jersey (23-47) had dropped their last four games in ugly fashion, while the Cavaliers (13-57) had their own solid 3-game losing streak, topped perhaps by a streak of six straight setbacks on their home floor. Once it became clear that both lottery-balling squads would also be without their trade-deadline acquired point guards (Williams with a sprained wrist*, Davis with back spasms**), the game’s lone, meager point of interest was washed away, leaving us only with Byron Scott’s threatened “line-up shake-up” to prevent the rampant spread of instant-onset narcolepsy.

*got some more important shit to do

**beard’s not gonna groom itself

Anyway, Scott’s big shake-up was benching Samardo Samuels and inserting Ryan Hollins at center, thus bumping J.J. Hickson to power forward. … Okay. Not too exciting. But let’s pretend that Samardo was royally pissed and went all Chris Brown on the Cavs’ locker room. Better? Okay, now let’s get to the game.

The Positives

#1 Momentum-ish

Coming off a not entirely embarrassing performance against Orlando the other night, the Baron-less, baby-faced Cavs showed some tenacity out there again, even while their jump shots fluttered off-course all night like wiffle balls in a wind gust. Sorry—this is supposed to be the Positives section. Gotta stay on point!

#2 The New Man in the Middle

Defensively, the Hollins move actually reaped some tangible rewards, as the Nets’ talented young center Brook Lopez was held in check for much of the ball game, shooting just 7 for 21 from the field and grabbing only 5 rebounds. Of course, Kim Kardashian’s Boyfriend brought down TWENTY-THREE boards by himself to more than make up the difference, but—dammit, that’s information reserved for the Negatives section again! Anyway, Hollins played okay. Just 6 points and 5 rebounds, but stayed active and got after it.

#3 Had the Lead a Bunch of Times

Winning teams always score more points than the losing team. The Cavs had more points than the Nets after the first quarter (22-17), at halftime (42-39), and at various points throughout the second half (including 82-80 with a few seconds left in regulation). At the very end of the game, the Cavs had fewer points than the Nets. This resulted in a loss. But had the Cavs continued to have more points than the Nets, as they did a bunch of times at earlier points in the game, they would have “won” the game, and their record would have reflected that in the left hand “W” column, which-- despite popular belief-- can change more than once a month.

#4 Jay Jay, My My

Moved back to his more natural position of power forward, J.J. Hickson put up 17 points and 17 rebounds for another commendable effort. He’s now averaging 13 and 8 for the season, and that could very well be the best we can expect from him as an NBA player. Which isn’t so bad at all… until you see what Kim Kardashian’s Boyfriend did to him (see the Negatives section).

#5 Ramon of the Hour

Who needs Baron von Beardhausen? Ramon Sessions continues to piece together his portfolio for 2012 starting point guard honors (with or without Kyrie Irving). Tonight, he shot it well (7-15), got to the stripe (7-10), and even pulled down 8 boards to go with 21 points. Hmm, only 2 assists, though. Sorry, this is the Positives section!

 

The Negatives

KIM KARDASHIAN'S BOYFRIEND DOMINATED THE GAME

Kris Humphries (not pictured, but presumably somewhere in the background of the Kim Kardashian photo to the left) was a former standout at the University of Minnesota who left school early to become a first round pick of the Utah Jazz in 2004. From there, he established himself as an anonymous, wandering basketball nomad before landing in New Jersey, getting some more playing time, and eventually earning the right to have intercourse with a Kardashian—in this case, the Alec Baldwin of the Kardashian clan, Kim! Now, he is known to the world as Kim Kardashian’s Boyfriend. And last night, Kim Kardashian’s Boyfriend single-handedly defeated the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Despite a bad night for Brook Lopez and a presumably difficult match-up with J.J. Hickson (back in his aforementioned natural position of PF), Kim Kardashian’s Boyfriend completely owned the glass all night, dragging down a career-high 23 rebounds (NINE of the offensive variety) and matching his teammates Lopez and Sasha Juvacic with a team-best 18 points to boot. As if that weren’t enough, Kim Kardashian’s Most Recent Sexual Conquest from the World of Pro Sports also tallied 2 steals and 2 blocks, including a crucial rejection of a Daniel Gibson lay-up and a takeaway from Sessions—both late in the overtime period.

I just checked Kim Kardashian’s twitter account to see if she’d given props to her boy toy for his phenomenal performance, but she hasn’t. Uh-oh, Kris Humphries! Better make sure she still thinks you’re a thriller. Otherwise you’ll just be left to “remember the time” that you looked like a 6 foot 9 Justin Bieber and nabbed yourself some of Reggie Bush’s recycled plastic rubbish.

Anyway… Looks like the Cavs play the Pistons next. Man, I love March Madness!