Written by Michael Kramer

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Here we go again. The Heat are back in town for the long awaited rematch of the epic battle that took place at Quicken Loans Arena nearly four months ago. You may or may not recall that game. The Cavs jumped out to an early lead. JJ Hickson energized the crowd with a huge dunk that put the Cavs up by 3 about halfway through the quarter. The Cavs held an impressive 17-12 lead with about 4:30 left to play in the first. Things were looking good.

All of Cleveland sat on the edge of their seats as they watched the lead slowely slip away until the Heat squeaked by by a final score of 118-90. The Cavs players took pride in the fact they held LeBron to a mere 38 points on the night and not a single one of them visited the Heat bench to give him a backrub during timeouts. Boobie Gibson went so far as to make sure everyone knew that LeBron was granted no quarter, despite the huge smile on his, and other Cavs faces. Then he fractured his vagina and missed the next 2 months.

But he's back, as are most of the other Cavs, plus Baron Davis, Luke Harangody, and something called a Semih Erdin. Things are already looking like they will be different than the first time around. The Cavs garage staff, for example, denied LeBron and his entourage access to special parking underneath the Q. Now, this may sound kind of petty to you, but seriously, what kind of douchebag expects special treatment like that in the first place? I know it's too much to ask that the Cavs players at least attempt to get in LeBron's way as he makes his way to the scorers table for his cocaine toss. I'm just asking for a little effort this time around.

Now, what I'm doing here is to keep a kind of running diary of the game, so that someone who missed it can read through and get a feel for what happened. I do this for a few reasons. First, hardly anyone watches the games. Second, to write an actual recap afterwords would require someone who is not an idiot and is capable of actual analysis. I'm neither of these things.

So, sit back and relive the glory of the Cavs v Heat 2: Electric Douchaloo.

As usual, we will begin this epic installment with a tweet from our good friend Old Hoss Radbourn, for no particular reason except he's one of the greatest twitter feeds available, and there has to be some sort of quality achieved here.

OldHossRadbourn 

Like L. Dykstra and his son "Cutter," I named one of my whelps after a pitch. Unfortunately for "Drop Ball," his name was oft misconstrued.

Thank you Hoss.

Tweet:

PDcavsinsider Mary Schmitt Boyer

LeBron arrived at The Q about 10 minutes ago wearing a jacket that said "Long Live the King." #Cavs

MSB in the hizzy (that's what all the kids say now a days, right?) And starting us off with some information that I can actually use too. Thanks Schmitty. "Long Live The King"...what a douche.

Tweet:

cacajuicetina CACAJUICE

omg #Heat vs #Cavs is about to start! Shaking and crying!#TeamLebron

WTF? What the hell is cacajuice? You know what, I don't want to know. Stay on TeamLeBron Tina

Tweet:

PDcavsinsider Mary Schmitt Boyer

Some well-timed shouts from #Cavs fans during national anthem silences: "Quitter." and "You suck, LeBron!"

What's gotten into Schmitty? She's on fire with the inside info tonight. I'm not even busting her chops right now.

LeBron misses the intros. On accident of course, because he's not a giant pussy or anything. Uncle Austin even called him out. Said he has no character unless he had an emergency and had to run to the bathroom.  So, basically, LeBron's charachter is at it's peak when he's taking a dump.

1st Quarter

11:31 Baron Davis opens the scoring with a 3 pointer

10:49 Bibby gets it right back to tie it up. If the Heat are hitting shots from the outside the Cavs are in trouble. Hell, who am I kidding? They're in trouble regardless.

10:10 Maybe I spoke too soon. Hollins puts down the alley opp. This is a sure sign the Cavs aren't messing around tonight. Hollins with the start, that's serious business right there.

9:38 Hickson knocks down a free throw and the Cavs lead is 6-3. That extrapolates out to 144-72. Things are looking up here.

8:57 McLeod "LeBron back door! Nobody there!" LOL backdoor.

8:15 Parker hits a shot and the lead is 10-3. I don't know about you but I'm enjoying this. In fact, I have half a mind to just end the thing right now and go watch NCIS or something.

Tweet:

ABJCavsInsider Jason Lloyd

Dan Gilbert with a rare courtside appearance. He's been MIA for many of the #Cavs games

Man, I sure hope he's heckling LeBron. I mean, he has to be, right? The dude is nuts.

Tweet:

mrHouser mr Houser

baron davis droppin dimes like a clumsy cashier! #cavs

Alright MrHouser, you made the recap

6:45 JJ hits a jumper and Cavs are up 13-7

5:45 Hollins goes up for a dunk and gets fouled. He comes down and strutts his stuff like he's a bad-ass. I'd make fun of him, but it's exactly what I wanted to see the first time around. Wade took exception and it ended with a double technical.

So, Ryan Freaking Hollins is the first Cav to show any backbone against the Heat this year. It's about time someone did.

Tweet:

mkroboth Mark Kroboth

Ryan Hollins IS good for something afterall. #Cavs

That's right dude. Dire Straits rules.

5:11 JJ gets a beautiful pass under the hoop and immediately throws it out of bounds. At least it didn't bounce off his face.

4:00 JJ hits another jumper to put the Cavs up 16-14 He has 5

LeBron immediately ties it up.

2:49 They are giving JJ room to shoot, so he is. He now has 7.

Tweet:

Celts_GreenRoom Ian Rider

That #Cavs play where they ISO J.J. Hickson and he throws the ball out of bounds has been ineffective early on.

Celts Green Room makes the recap.

2:33 Gee blocks a 3 by James Jones and Hickson has a nice save to keep it for the Cavs.

2:15 JJ hits 2 free throws and the lead is back up to 6. I'm going to have to stop making jokes about his butterfingers pretty soon.

1:54 James still getting boos every time he touches the ball. He gets put on the ground, but makes the shot and the free throw. 22-19 Cavs

0:50 LeBron misses a runner and hits the floor

0:34 LeBron stops crying about not getting the call on the last play. Meanwhile Gibson misses a wide open 3 that would have blow the roof off the Q. Missed opportunities.

0:00 Juwan Howard hits a shot at the buzzer to tie it up at 24. Seriously, we should just stop right now.

Tweet:

TinaBerry Christina

I guess the #Cavs are going for that 2nd spot in the playoffs over the#Heat. Lmao

Tina...that sucked. You are not funny. You should go bowling with Geechy Guy.

2nd Quarter

11:09 Hollins fouled going to the alley opp. He's playing hard. I'm starting to like this guy.

11:00 Harangody is the wild card. He cannot be guarded. Cavs back up by 2.

Tweet:

mike_dasu Michael Dasu

Let the #Cavs bed sh%$#@ng begin!

C'mon Mike. Have a little faith. When have the Cavs ever shit the bed?

10:03 No freakin way. Gibson just stuffed Bosh. You read that right. Then Bosh fouled him. It was great. I'm going to have to assume that Boobie's vagina is fully healed.

9:39 Hollins takes a charge from Wade and has vaulted all the way to the top of the list to become my favorite 2011 Cavs player.

9:15 Gibson scores to put the Cavs up by 6.

I'm trying to figure out who Luke Harangody looks like. Anyway, he just made a nice play.

Tweet:

KLASSIC_BS @L_Dojai N @D360ad

This bum bosh got his feelins hurt by Keisha Cole baby daddy!

That's one way to look at it.

Tweet:

Top5_MADI MADISON

WHY THE #CAVS GOING AGAINST THE #HEATS FOR THE#CAVS ONLY WON 8 GAMESS SO YALL AINT GOING 2 WIN

Top5 Madi enters the discussion for stupidest tweet of the night, maybe ever. I don't even know what the hell that's supposed to mean.

Tweet:

pdogg4u Peter Szilagyi

Luke Harangody epitomizes the term "dopey white basketball player." #cavs

Yes, I suppose if that was a term, Harangody would epitomize it. I'm at all not convinced that it's a term, though. It also doesn't help me figure out who he looks like.

7:25 Harangody drains a 3 and the Cavs are up 35-28. He has 7 in the quarter. Dopey my ass.

7:07 Eyenga slams one home on a fast break. Cavs by 9. The place is going crazy. This is awesome.

I'm still not willing to believe yet, but I'm getting closer.

Tweet:

NickyMac216 NMac216

Wade to Hollins "I'm gonna f$#k you up!" #Cavs

First, I have no idea how Nicky obtained this information, but I'm going to assume that it's true. And if it is true, it raises the question: why is Dwayne Wade bothering with a guy like Ryan Hollins? It's like when Colonel Jessup verbally slammed Lt. Weinberg for no apparent reason, and Kevin Pollack just sat there with a confused look on his face.

4:50 Eyenga makes a nice move on the baseline. That guy is athletic as hell. Cavs back up by 9, 43-34.

4:08 Hollins is fouled by LeBron under the basket. Lebron loses his headband. Cavs go up by 11. This is great fun right now.

3:25 LeBron misses a shot from point blank range. Going the other way a rebound goes out of bounds off Bosh's head. It's like he thinks he's JJ Hickson or something.

3:05 Baron Davis hits a shot to make it 47-34 Cavs. This is absolutely incredible.

But I still don't believe.

Tweet:

JJBucklin JJ Bucklin

#Cavs up by 10 on #Heat in first half and Luke Harangody is playing a major role

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't read it on twitter.

2:34 Parker hits a 3. Lead is now at 16.

I still don't believe.

Tweet:

Mohammed_88 Mohammed Alsaeed

لو يستمر فارق النقاط ال13 لين نهاية الربع الثاني كذا أريح وبايرون سكوت يطقطقها على راحته #Mia #cavs

Damn Straight Mo.

0:30 Wade gets to the rim and the Heat have closed the gap to 8 in the last minutes and a half.

0:00 Baron Davis takes the last shot and drains a 3 to give the Cavs some momentum going into the half.

So far, this is great.

Halftime: Cavs 53 Heat 42

But I still don't believe.

3rd Quarter

Tweet:

RealMYoung23 Michael A. Young

How did #TheBostrich play almost 16 minutes in the first half without a rebound?

I didn't even realize. That's another thing to make me happy. What a happy day.

Tweet:

Jcheld09 Cory Held

Come on #cavs!

I enjoy the sentiment and I have nothing against Cory. I'm sure he/she's a fine man/woman, but exactly what the heck is the point of tweets like this?

11:18 Hollins going to the line. Again. Seriously, the dude is playing like a monster tonight. He's drawn 5 fouls. He misses both free throws, though.

10:22 Bibby hits his second 3 in a minute and the insurmountable Cavs lead is now down to 5.

Cavs 53-48.

Tweet:

ruinsoftime Amanda

GOD DAMN IT JFC SOMEONE GUARD SPENCER PRATT

I wish I knew who Amanda was talking about, because I love the idea of calling someone Spencer Pratt. But, it has to make some sort of sense. And Bibby (who I can only assume she's talking about) looks nothing like that worthless bag of douche. I wish he did. But he doesn't. I like how you're thinking, though.

10:00 Cavs hit and the lead is back to 7

9:20 Wade goes to the line (like a drama queen I might add) and misses both.

8:59 Parker knocks down a 3 and the lead is 58-48.

I still don't believe.

8:24 Alanzo Gee slams home a rebound and it's back to 12. This is seriously an awesome game.

Tweet:

YoungStressfree Chris robles

#Cavs are lookin dope right about now!

That's right my young urban buddy! The Cavs are Dope! Groovy!

8:20 They just showed Joe Haden on the sideline with a painted on Baron Davis beard. I freaking love Joe Haden. I appreciate a player who tries to get behind the other teams in town. The town loves it. It's good for everybody. Love that guy.

Tweet:

Mohammed_88 Mohammed Alsaeed

العرض المتميز مازال مستمر والفارق يصل الى 12 نقطه مع بداية الربع الثالث

Seriously, Mohammed is on fire tonight. Spot on bro.

7:00 Alanzo Gee with an absolutely amazing alley opp from Baron Davis. That was awesome. Holy crap. You should be watching this. Cavs up 64-48.

I still don't believe.

6:30 Hollins stuffs Bosh and Parker drains a 3 at the other end. The Q is going absolutely bonkers right now. Cavs up by 19. That's right.  19.

Quick shout out to Saint who's at the game tonight. Hope that novocaine wore off.

6:00 Heat have to foul  to allow Bosh's bruised vagina to get back on defense. He was writhing on the floor in pain. It broke my heart.

5:48 Hickson at the line hits 2 and the lead is now 21.

I still don't believe.

5:33 LeBron misses 2 free throws and the place goes bonkers.  Again.  It's bonkermania at the Q.  He has not scored since the first quarter.

5:05 JJ hits a shot for his 17th point on the night.

Tweet:

Gotribe31 Alan Ciammaichella

#Princessbosh would be dominated inside by anyone on the Uconn women's team.

Al checking in from Arizona.

Tweet:

Gotribe31 Alan Ciammaichella

Someone must have told @KingJames this was a playoff game.#whoreofakron

That's gold, Al...GOLD!!!

Tweet:

cpennington08 Clayton Pennington

Good to see the Cavs doing well tonight

Settle down Clayton. Don't give yourself a heart attack.

3:43 Wade at the line cuts the lead to 16. It's incredible but that doesn't feel remotely safe.

I still don't believe.

Tweet:

ryvidmar Ryan Vidmar

#FredMcLeod is going to have multiple accidents in his pants if the#cavs' continue to stretch this lead and win this game.

Ryan makes the recap because his picture is Johnny Lawrence. Plus, he's right.

2:18 Wade buries a 3 and the lead is down to 72-61.

It's incredible how fast big leads can disappear.

Miami on a 13-1 run. Damn that was fast. I'm not having as much fun as I was a few minutes ago.

2:00 Wade with a fast break dunk. Lead at 9

1:06 Lebron goes down the lane and the lead is now 7. This sucks. At least he missed the free throw.

0:50 LeBron again and Miami is within 5.

0:03 Eyenga hits a 3 to close it out and temporarily stop the bleeding. Cavs lead after the third 75-67.

Tweet:

JESS44903 Jess

Byron wake up and argue the calls!!!

Yeah!! If only Byron would argue some calls we'd be killing them now.

4th Quarter

Those asshat refs are giving LeBron the bucket at the end of the 3rd so the lead is 5. I'm not comfortable with that.

11:31 Bibby with yet another 3 and the lead is a mere 75-73. I feel like this is over.

11:05 Sessions scores to give me a little bit of hope.

9:33 Parker hits 3. Lead back to 7. Cavs refusing to roll over. Where was this 4 months ago?

8:37 Bibby Again. Seriously. That guy is killing us.

Tweet:

TonyP1012 Anthony Pezzuolo

Let's go #cavs send LeBron back to miami crying!

How great would that be? To get another "there are guys crying in the locker room" quote after the game? Of course, the Cavs would have to win and I don't believe for a second that that will happen.

Tweet:

THE_DANNY_FAIRY Mark Szczepanik

How does Chris Bosh get out of his car? He's got no handles. Go

I just wanted you to read this guy's tweeter name.

7:18 Sessions going to the line up by 2. Hits one.

7:00 Bibby with his 483rd three pointer of the night ties it up. I want bad things to happen to Mike Bibby.

83-83

6:20 Harangody takes a pass from Hollins and the Cavs are back on top by 2.

5:30 HOLY CRAP!!! Hollins blocks a shot and slams one home at the other end. Cavs by 4.

4:49 Parker going to the line after LeBron goaltends. Chance to send the lead back to 7. Can you believe that LeBron is complaining? He must have picked that whiny bitch stuff up in Miami, he never did that here.

I still don't believe.

Tweet:

MERKJONES MERK JONES

I thought bitching to the ref got you a T? Where's LeChoke's?

Good point there Merk.

Merk? Seriously?

3:42 Hollins fouled again. Going to the line up by 7. Hits em.

3:02 Bosh at the line misses 2.

Cavs by 9 with 3 minutes left.

I believe

I do.  I believe.  We're now doomed because of it, but I believe.

2:44 Anthony Parker drains a 3 and the Cavs lead is 12! This is awesome.

I believe!

1:50 24 second violation on the Heat and the Cavs get the ball back.

I believe!

1:35 Baron Davis drives to the hole for a bucket and the lead is 12!

I believe!

Tweet:

beniJohnson Beni J.

Baron Davis and the rest of the Cavs are hoopin' tonight y'all... Wow

I believe!

1:20 Cavs burning clock!

1:04 JJ throws down a dunk! This is over!

I believe!

What a great game!

Cavs up 99-87 with less than a minute.

0:47 Seriously? The Heat are apparently fouling.

They are putting more into it than the Cavs did against Boston last year in the playoffs.

0:37 Dan Gilbert on the screen He's a happy man. TAKE THAT KELLY DWYER!!

0:11 LeBron makes a meaningless bucket at the end of the game.

Final: Cavs 102 Heat 90

What a happy day

WHAT A HAPPY DAY!

And, the most important thing to happen tonight:

ZP3 Zach

What? We beat the hea....CHALUPAS!!!!!!

CHALUPAS!