Written by Jonathan Knight

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"Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. God sees everything!"
-LeBron James
January 12, 2011

From the Associated Press:

 

With an unstoppable cosmic charisma and an indefinable power over the human spirit, Sunday night Karma captured its first major sports championship since 1984, defeating LeBron James in six games in the NBA Finals.

The victory was satisfying for long-suffering Karma, which was referred to as a “bitch” by LeBron in a widely publicized tweet last January.

“It’s not the first time I’ve been called that,” Karma said in a champagne-soaked locker room after Game Six Sunday night. “But I guess it was the first time I’d been called that by someone this famous who is truly incapable of comprehending what I stand for, but whatever.”

When asked what the turning point of the series was, Karma paused, then answered, “Last July. Greenwich, Connecticut.” He shook his head and added, “That shit don’t fly with me.

“Then a victory party before you even played a game? What the hell was that? I was thinkin’ about callin’ up my homeboy Catastrophic Hurricane and sending his talents down to South Beach for some mad property damage, but then I said, ‘No – we’ll finish this on the court.’”

Karma did indeed seem motivated by LeBron’s actions in the Finals – particularly in the fourth quarter of each game, when Karma, mixing a lethal mid-range jump shot with determined drives to the basket, combined to outscore LeBron, 62-21.

“Twenty-one?” Karma responded when told of LeBron’s total. “That’s all he got in six fourth quarters? Shit. I have more points in one bowel movement.”

But Karma, being Karma, was quick to spread the credit for the victory.

“But hey, man, no way I could have done this alone. Destiny came up with some huge rebounds, Endurance came off the bench and played some wicked defense, and Fate hit a couple huge shots from downtown. That’s the real ‘Big Three,’ right there, baby,” he added, then high-fived his coach, Justice.

Some had considered Karma a huge underdog going into the series, particularly since LeBron held the home-court advantage, had been to the Finals before, and had recently abandoned his soul.

“Man, just ’cause I’ve never been to the Finals before don’t mean that I wasn’t going to kick some autocratic ass when I got here,” Karma explained. “People been takin’ Karma for granted way too long. I’m always there, baby. You don’t tip a waitress – bam! You speed through a school zone – boom! You cut the heart out of millions of people and then giggle and stomp on it on national television – shazam!”

Even after an arduous trip through the playoffs, Karma did not bring much of a fan base to the Finals. Yet as the series transpired and LeBron continually made trips to the ladies room with the game on the line and further resembled the asshole kids in Willy Wonka with his on- and off-court shenanigans, the American public clearly changed its allegiance from LeBron’s highly marketable pomposity to Karma’s quiet, lethal dignity.

“Karma’s the real deal,” Karma exclaimed in the locker room. “I’d call myself the King, but that’d be contrary to everything I stand for!”

Conversely, LeBron expressed disappointment at all who had rooted against him, saying that “at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had before.”

Watching LeBron’s press conference on television, Karma snorted and commented, “Right – unless they wake up next to Delonte West!”

A sullen LeBron vowed to continue to live the way he wanted to live and continue to do the things that he wants.

Karma shrugged and replied, “Then I guess this won’t be the last time we’ll be opposing each other.”

Meanwhile, in Cleveland, celebration broke out following Game Six, as fans reveled in LeBron’s defeat much in the same way he reveled in theirs 11 months ago.

“I haven’t been to Cleveland in forever,” Karma sighed. “I’d love to get up there sometime – that orchestra is bitchin’. And for obvious reasons, I'd have to swing by Parma. Hey, I do believe the North Coast is due for a visit from Karma!”

Rumors have been spreading that Karma may have a soft spot for Cleveland, particularly after he apparently pulled some strings to get Peyton Hillis on the cover of Madden 12.

When asked if Cleveland could lure Karma to move its city permanently by enticing fellow All-Star free agents Romance and Intrigue and combining the three as a packaged “super team,” Karma shook his head.

“You can’t buy Karma, baby,” he said. “Karma ain’t for sale. Karma only does what it does on its own. You can’t combine it with anything else to make it any different than it was before.”

While LeBron seemed to suggest he’d like another shot at Karma in next year’s Finals, the new champion dismissed any talk of a rivalry.

“That ain’t the way I roll,” he said. “I don’t hold no grudges. I don’t have time for such silliness.  I’m too busy accounting for the totality of people’s actions over time to be worried about no revenge.”

But watching replays of LeBron walking off the court at the end of Game Six after refusing to shake the hands of his opponents, Karma smiled and offered one final thought to conclude an epic chapter in his long, storied career.

“Who’s the bitch now, baby?”