Written by Andrew Clayman

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When the Cavaliers last met the Bucks a couple weeks ago, the two teams were separated by just one game in the “battle” for the 8th playoff spot in the East. Tonight, they looked separated by leagues—a fairly talented NBA franchise invading the home court of a middling AAU squad.  Or so the score would indicate, anyway, as Milwaukee metaphorically depantsed and atomic-wedgied the Cavs for 48 utterly humiliating minutes, 121-84.

Cleveland (17-32) has dropped six straight; the last five of which were routs. To say they’re slumping, though, would suggest that this particular team—with the likes of Donald Sloan, Manny Harris, Samardo Samuels, and some fella named Lester Hudson logging actual minutes—would ordinarily produce results superior to what we’ve seen of late. This is not a slump, friends. This is a really, really, really bad basketball team.

Back on March 14, Milwaukee (24-27) needed a fluky triple-double from Drew Gooden to edge the Cavs. But these were not the same clubs that met that night. While Cleveland traded away Ramon Sessions, cut Ryan Hollins, and lost even more backcourt depth with a season ending injury to Boobie Gibson, the Bucks shipped Andrew Bogut and Stephen Jackson to Golden State for a bigtime weapon in Monta Ellis. By no coincidence, Milwaukee’s gone 5-3 since that last meeting, while the Cavs have jumped into the abyss at 1-7.

So, was Ellis the difference maker in tonight’s barn burner? Actually, no. In fact, in a head-to-head comparison of the starting line-ups, it’s hard to see exactly what went wrong at first—assuming you were one of the many, many lucky folks who didn’t watch the game.

At the shooting guard spot, Anthony Parker kept Ellis (a 21 PPG scorer on the season) pretty well bottled up, holding him to 6-of-16 shooting and just 13 points. Parker himself shot just 2-for-10 from the field, but what else is new? Slight Advantage: Bucks.

In a battle of undersized centers, Tristan Thompson (6-for-11, 15 pts, 11 rbs) outclassed good ole Drew Gooden (4-for-11, 9 pts, 5 rbs). Tristan also missed 4 of his 7 free throws, but what else is new? Advantage: Cavs.

At small forward, Alonzo Gee (8-for-11, 19 pts, 8 rbs) thoroughly outplayed his counterpart Luc Richard Mbah a Moute (8 pts, 3 rbs), proving that—much like Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sa Rembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Peri Pembo and his brother Chang—a shorter name generally prevails. Advantage: Cavs.

And in an always entertaining battle of elite young point guards, Kyrie Irving (11-for-20, 29 pts, 5 asts) fought Brandon Jennings (11-for-17, 28 pts, 6 asts) to a virtual draw on the evening, though it's worth considering that Jennings has quality teammates, while Kyrie has a vast knowledge of dingos. Push

Hmmm. So what does that leave us with? If the four key match-ups above look pretty even, if not pro-Cleveland, how did Byron Scott’s club get demolished by 37 effing points? Simple…

5 Ways To Lose by 37 Points

1. Shoot 40% from the field while your opponent shoots 57%.

2. Shoot 6-of-22 (27%) from 3-point range while your opponent makes 10-of 16 (63%).*

3. Get outrebounded by a 52-41 count.

4. Miss roughly half your free throws as a team (10-for-19).

5. Trade for Omri Casspi

*Kyrie Irving was 6-for-6 from downtown, the rest of the Cavs were 0-for-16.

Anyway, I did skip one key starting lineup matchup that directly helped create many of the large disparities seen above. In a matchup with underrated 6’10” power forward Ersan Ilyasova, the normally trigger-happy Antawn Jamison was rendered unusually useless, attempting just four shots on the night, and making only one of them (2 pts, 5 rbs). Meanwhile, Ilyasova—who looks like a giant, Turkish James Franco— put on a first quarter scoring clinic that basically buried the Cavs before the smoke had cleared from their increasingly depressing pre-game pyrotechnics. All together, Ilyasova scored 14 of his 20 points in the first 12 minutes, including back-to-back threes that extended the Buck lead to 28-19. It was 35-26 by quarter’s end. And then came the hurricane.

In the first five minutes of the second quarter, Milwaukee WENT OFF, ripping off 16 unanswered points, including three straight triples from Mike Dunleavy off the bench and 7 points from the ever dangerous Brandon Jennings. On the other end, Cleveland failed to put the biscuit in the basket until a Kyrie three at the 7:09 mark of the quarter. By then, it was already 55-30 Milwaukee, and you regretted not doing something a little more useful with your Friday night. Cuz you didn’t win that Mega Millions, did you? Awwww, what a friggin bummer, Man. Did I mention Irving also left the game with a right shoulder sprain? Yup.

Anyway, since the second half featured lots of junk time for Luke Walton and our new look Zoo Crew, let’s see how the bench buddies faired.

The Cavs Bench Tonight: 6-for-29, 0-8 from Three, 13 pts, 10 rbs, 3 asts

The Bucks Bench Tonight: 16-for-29, 5-6 from Three, 43 pts, 27 rbs, 16 asts

And… The always popular Omri Casspi Suck-O-Meter:

16 minutes, 2-of-6, 0-4 from Three, 4 points, 2 rebounds

Meh………. Ugh …………. Why??? ………… My Eyes!!! ….. Uncontrolled Vomiting