Written by Jonathan Knight

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There are those who say that LeBron James’ long-awaited NBA title is tainted.

They’ll say he didn’t earn it, didn’t deserve it, and still can’t be compared with the game’s all-time greats.

So even though he’s basking in the glow of his first title since narrowly avoiding an upset in the Ohio high school state championship to a massively undermanned, supremely less talented group of skinny white kids, no doubt LeBron is hurt by those who hesitate to fellate his supremacy.

Pay no attention to them, LeBron. Wear that Burger King crown proudly and hold your head up high. Never mind what the haters say. In case that golden trophy isn’t proof enough (assuming Pat Riley ever lets you touch it again), there are thousands of reasons to feel good about yourself.

But, in the spirit of letting bygones be bygones and to show that even Cleveland fans are happy for you, here are the top 23 (reflecting the number which, you may remember, once adorned your jersey at St. Bonaventure or St. Vincent DePaul or wherever it was you played before you took your talents to South Beach):

 

1.By winning in the fashion you did rather than doing it the hard way, you’ve enabled Michael Jordan to keep his claim as the greatest player of all time - an amazing distinction since he now desperately sells underwear on television.

2.Exactly six months before the Mayan calendar says the world will end, you gave us a little preview and showed us that it really won’t be that bad.

3.You taught us that although you might have to wait for the payoff for about 18 months, betrayal, colossal arrogance, and the raping of the human spirit will eventually make your dreams come true.

4.Since it had been almost five weeks since destiny squatted down for a big steaming dump on Cleveland’s self-worth, we appreciate your pointing out the abject hopelessness of our existence. This will help toughen us up for when the Dolans move the Indians to San Jose...and then win the World Series the following year with the largest payroll in baseball.

5.You showed us that, in the end, greed always wins - something that really hadn’t been hammered home since Wall Street 2 hit theaters. Despite Disney’s constant animated attempts to delude us otherwise, this a lesson in reality we need to constantly be reminded of. So thank you.

6.This will finally help the 17 people outside of Cleveland who still remember that you played for the Cavs and intentionally carpet-bombed an entire franchise past the point of repair finally see that as nothing more than a prologue to your actual career capped by a cute little prank.

7.Your winning the world title did not result in the acquittals of Jerry Sandusky. It did, however, appear to have had some influence on the trial of Roger Clemens, who took the same “do-whatever-you-want-to-anybody-to-achieve-success” philosophy toward life. But whatevs.

8.Think of how much happier the citizens of Miami are today, of all the smiles you put on what remains of their chewed-off faces as they drive their stolen cars to meet their coke dealers.

9.Even though your path to the championship was steamrolled clear in front of you and paved with the golden bricks that Dorothy and Toto merrily skipped across on their way to the Emerald City, you provided enough suspense with your tits-up performances to extend each series well beyond any realistic expectations and thereby increased revenue for a league teetering on the brink of inconsequence.

10.To those who say you bought a championship, you can simply point out that it was for sale and you wanted it. And like most Americans, you went ahead and bought it without any regard for the repercussions.

11.When the buzzer sounded Thursday night, did the earth open up and swallow the landscape into a lifeless pit of darkness, lit only by the fading sparks of shattered dreams? Nope. Not south of I-271, anyway.

12.You have provided illumination and inspiration to those contemplating home-improvement projects this summer. Rather than trying to do it themselves, they’ll now hire somebody who actually knows what they’re doing.

13.Alongside the image of Art Modell grinning like a mental patient after Super Bowl XXXV, by hoisting up the championship trophy with that big grin on your face, you gave us something to visualize when we close our eyes in the moments before death.

14.You settled a longstanding debate among many basketball fans: after your painfully obvious mailed-in performance in the playoffs two years ago, you proved you are capable of beating teams like the octogenarian Celtics and the pre-pubescent Thunder when you give a crap.

15.ESPN can finally release the special three-disc Blu Ray edition of “The Decision,” complete with director’s commentary by the Prince of Darkness and three alternate endings in which you announced you were taking his talents to other cities. (But I’m sure most viewers will agree, the “South Beach” ending just fit the best.)

16.You reminded all Clevelanders of the indisputable truth beneath their existence: good things will happen to them only if they leave town.

17.You proved that the black-clad, Kawasaki-riding, Cobra Kai gang of pretty boys from the original Karate Kid film had the right idea: illegally cripple your opposition and then declare victory.

18.You reaffirmed for those of us on the fence that there truly is no God. Now we can go out to breakfast on Sunday mornings a lot earlier and beat the crowds.

19.Thanks to you, the universally hated Oklahoma City Thunder - which had the audacity to reach a professional sports championship stage without being anywhere close to an ocean - was finally put in its place. Sure, they may have been a hot topic for a while, but a top-to-bottom roster built around a plucky, energetic, team-oriented philosophy is no match for 1.5 superstars and a median yearly temperature of 81 degrees.

20.Chris Bosh can now be released back into the wild.

21.You helped alleviate the guilt for those of us who always used the warp zone to jump from world 4-2 to world 8-1 on the original Super Mario Brothers. Bottom line: shortcuts work.

22.Achieving your ultimate dream and changing the landscape of professional sports garnered almost as much attention in Miami as whatever Ozzie Guillen said about Fidel Castro.

23.You now only have to do all of this six more times to justify yourself.

 

Don’t worry what everybody’s saying, LeBron. You won the championship and you have the receipt - and the jagged void where your soul used to be - to prove it.

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