Written by Jerry Roche

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CLEVELAND, Sept. 22, 2012 — The Cleveland Gilberts (formerly the Cleveland Cavaliers) will kick off the 2012-2013 season on Oct. 30 when the Washington Wizards (formerly the Washington Bullets) visit Gilbert Arena (formerly Quicken Loans Arena, formerly Gund Arena, most certainly not Gilbert Arenas).

“This is the beginning of a new era of NBA basketball in northeastern Ohio,” said Dan Gilbert, the team’s owner.

Over the last months of the off-season, the team completely overhauled its front office, coaching staff, roster, arena, and its marketing approach.

New head coach Phil Jackson, lured from retirement when Gilbert waved $20 million in his face, will field a remade starting lineup, thanks to some last-minute jockeying by new general manager Larry Bird.

Upon his hiring, Jackson said that the team is in dire need of enlightenment and personal insight. He hopes to impart upon the players the knowledge and wisdom that he has achieved through his study of Zen Buddhism over the years. To that end, mandatory twice-daily classes have already begun at the Cleveland Clinic Courts.

Gilbert (the team, not the owner) fans should welcome the roster changes made by Bird.

The only returnee from last year’s starting lineup is point guard Kyrie Irving, reigning NBA Rookie of the Year. Joining him are James Harden at shooting guard, Luol Deng and Danny Granger at the forwards, and Dwight Howard at center.

Bird obtained Harden from Oklahoma City for Dion Waiters and monetary considerations. Harden’s contract includes a no-cut clause (for both him and his beard).

Deng was obtained from Chicago in a straight-up deal for Anderson Varejao. (Curlywigs now being discounted at all Gilbert Team Shops.)

Granger was obtained from Indiana for Samardo Samuels and the Gilberts’ second-round pick in 2013.

Howard was obtained in a three-way deal with Orlando and Charlotte. The Gilberts gave up Tyler Zeller, Kelenna Azubuike, Omri Casspi, Tristan Thompson and their first-round draft choice in 2013.

“This should solve some of our field-goal shooting problems,” said Gilbert, who admitted that last season’s 42 percent and 29th ranking will not cut it. “We had some problems getting all of our new players to agree to their respective deals, but when they heard who else would be coming to town, they were ecstatic.

“And the new Horseshoe Casino downtown didn’t hurt our chances, either.”

Bird, hired just one month ago after spending years with the Indiana Pacers, will focus on upgrading the team’s performance in the NBA draft, starting in 2014.

“Sheesh,” Bird told Cleveland media representatives upon his hiring, “Tristan Thompson and Dion Waiters at No. 4 in two consecutive years? I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, but to call each of those choices ‘a reach’ is an understatement. And the previous regime also completely blew all their second-rounders for I-don’t-know-how-many years.”

Former head coach Byron Scott has agreed to serve as Jackson’s top assistant.

“That wasn’t easy, either,” Gilbert admitted. “Byron has been real good with the younger players the past couple of years, but with more veteran players coming aboard, he agreed that Phil would be a better head coach.” Scott will work this coming season with the rest of the roster, which is composed of holdovers Alonzo Gee, Luke Harangody, Donald Sloan, Luke Walton, Daniel Gibson, Semih Erden and a bunch of no-name undrafted free agents.

The game-day fan experience is also slated for a make-over, Gilbert admitted. “As much as I loved him, our former arena PA announcer has taken a more lucrative position with Ringling Bros./Barnum & Bailey Circus, so we are replacing him with the sultry intonations of Michael Stanley. We’re also doing away with the pre-game fireworks and halftime freak shows, so our customers don’t have to be issued ear plugs at the gate anymore.”

By that same reasoning, Moondog and the Cavalier Girls are being put out to pasture. "With all the talent we'll have on the floor, we don't need no sideshows no more," Bird said.

Even Gilbert Arena (the place, not the player) will see serious changes beyond its name. An entire new section of luxury seats is being suspended from the rafters over mid-court. The "Skybox" seats will have glass flooring and will be priced at $200 each per game. Forecasting a renewed interest in the team due to the roster additions, Gilbert (the owner, not the team) has removed all the “Loudville” sections and replaced them with luxury boxes, with their own restaurant and cash bar. Prices for the new premium seats have not been released to the general public. Arena capacity increases to 28,000.

“We are looking forward to the 2012-2013 season with a renewed optimism that I haven’t had for a long, long time,” Gilbert tweeted yesterday. In a separate tweet, he added, “This should be a lesson to the Dolans and the new Browns owners on what can be done with the infusion of a few hundred million dollars. Even in Cleveland.”