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Indians Indians Archive The Rough Draft of the "Acta Fired" Press Release
Written by Jonathan Knight

Jonathan Knight

press release_distributionIn the midst of Thursday afternoon’s news that Manny Acta was being relieved of his duties as Indians’ manager, the team accidentally sent out the first draft of their press release announcing the news.

It was quickly taken down from the team website and replaced by the cold, soulless collection of sentences that’s currently there. But a few copies of the original draft managed to make it to the press. Here’s what it looked like:

CLEVELAND -- The Cleveland Indians announced Thursday that Manny Acta will not return as manager. Sandy Alomar was named interim manager because the Indians are already paying him and he’s good bobblehead material.

Acta compiled a record of 214-266 over his three seasons after being named the 40th manager in franchise history on October 25, 2009, a month after the Tribe did this exact same thing to the last guy. Though if you’ll notice, this time they did it on a Browns’ gameday, so two-thirds of Cleveland will never even find out about this.

"The Cleveland Indians would like to thank Manny Acta for everything he has done for the organization in his three seasons as our manager," said executive vice president, general manager, and dumpster-fire-overseer Chris Antonetti. “Three seasons? Really? Wow. You get started losing 95 games a year and they just start running together. But we’d like to thank Manny primarily for winning - what, more than 200 games with a menagerie of borderline double-A talent that we found at the batting cages at Magic Mountain Fun Center. 

"Manny's passion for the game, positive attitude, and tremendous knowledge of baseball helped guide us to a number of high points during his tenure. Can’t think of what most of them are at the moment, but primary among them is that we now only have to pay five coaches on the roster for these last six games. We will take those savings in revenue and fold them right into our fireworks budget for next year. You’re welcome, Cleveland.

“Managerial changes are never easy or taken lightly, which is why we only do this every two or three years. But as we approached the end of the season and turned our attention to renting out our ballpark for craft fairs, bar mitzvahs, and pony parties, then eventually to assessing the future of the ballclub, we determined a change was necessary. 

“Of course, that change was myself, Mark Shapiro, and the Dolans being blasted into a distant solar system via a nuclear-powered catapult with all photographic evidence of our existence being incinerated in a massive, jubilant bonfire started by a coked-out Slider in Rally Alley. But, like everything else you whiny fans keep asking for, that’s simply not cost-effective or plausible at this juncture.”

Alomar, 46, has been a member of the Indians coaching staff since 2010, serving as bench coach in 2011. Completely by coincidence, he’s the only living human being in the clubhouse whom fans look at and don’t associate with chronic incompetence and perpetual defeat. 

And - oh yeah - did we mention he played with the Indians in the late ‘90s? Those were great times, weren’t they? Just incredible. So incredible, in fact, you could just pay money to sit in Progressive Field and relive all those great memories, regardless of what’s actually taking place on the field at the moment. Great seats are sti...always available. Why not call now before giving yourself a chance to think about it? That’s 216-420-HITS.

Alomar, the MVP of the balls-out spectacular 1997 All-Star Game played in Cleveland - another memory you can relive by calling us now - will manage the final six thrilling games of the fantastic 2012 season and will also be a candidate for the position during a search process that will begin sometime between now and the start of spring training. How legitimate of a candidate he is will be determined by the team’s marketing department.

"I have great respect for Eric Wedge and appreciate the effort he exhibited not only leading our team, but also the contributions he made in our community over the past three years," said Indians chairman/CEO Paul Dolan. “I fully support...wait, did I say Eric Wedge? Sorry, I meant Charlie Manuel. No...Manny Ramir...what was it? Actor?

"Whatever. Anyway, I fully support Chris' decision to make whatever this change is and am confident that he will lead a tireless - but cost-effective - search to find the right individual to lead the club to our ultimate goal of winning the World Series. Preferably for less than 65 dollars."

The rest of the coaching staff...shit, hold on. I’m laughing about that World Series comment. 

The rest of....dammit. Still laughing. 

OK, just visualized Ubaldo Jimenez’s throwing motion. I’m good now.

The rest of the coaching staff will remain intact through the end of the season, though if any of them want to just take off now, that’s totally cool. As long as we’ve got one guy to cover, just because that would look bad on TV.

Applications are now being accepting for the open managerial position at all Indians Team Shops. Potential candidates must list their per-hour pay requirements, have a valid Ohio driver’s license, and be able to work from ladders and scaffolds.

Now that this is out of the way, remember you can get a Sugardale all-beef hot dog, one large popcorn, and one 16-ounce Pepsi product for only eight dollars at Progressive Field this weekend. Plus, you can relive the ‘90s at the same time by meeting Alvaro Espinoza before Friday night’s game.

I know, I know. Manny who?

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