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Written by Paul Cousineau

Paul Cousineau
Paul Cousineau is such a Tribe jonser that he even watches the commercials. And after seeing the same commercials replayed one day this week ... Paul put together the blueprint for his own advertising campaign for the team. One that mixes some humor in to allow Cleveland to see our exciting young players and their personalities. Funny stuff from Paul ...

Maybe the advent of DVR has spoiled me, but the only time I really watch commercials is during Tribe games. Needless to say, after watching that Subway commercial for some sort of Indians’ promotion (for the 100th time) with the two announcers that makes my wife scream in terror and beg me to change the channel and wondering where the Fred Martin Superstore Car Guys get their embroidered polos, it got me thinking.

As much as I love the “What’s Up Ohio” song, it got me to thinking about the Indians and how they need an advertising campaign that mixes some humor in to allow Cleveland to see these exciting young players and their personalities.

So, without further adieu, I present my suggestions for the 2007 Indians’ ad campaign. Think the tone of the SportsCenter commercials (you know the ones – “Hip Hip…JORGE”) with some local flavor:

Grady’s First Day

The scene opens with clubhouse manager Tony Amato showing Grady Sizemore around the clubhouse with a caption on the screen reading “July 20, 2004; Grady Sizemore is promoted to the Indians”. Amato takes him around the clubhouse, showing him the trainers’ room, the video room, and where the equipment is, etc. The tour concludes with the following exchange:

: And, here in the corner cubicle is where your locker is.

Grady looks around with a deer-in-the-headlights look as Travis Hafner struts over to the pair.

(looking menacingly at Amato and channeling Patrick Swayze: Nobody puts Grady in the corner.

Amato backs down from the Hafner stare. Hafner grabs Sizemore by the shoulder.

C’mon rook, you can have the locker next to me.

Fade to black.

What Really Happens in the Bullpen

A camera moves into the bullpen, with the caption “3rd Inning, Home Game”on the bottom. The camera slowly moves past the pitchers sitting in chairs watching the game to Joe Borowski, who is standing over a grill full of brats. Borowski tends to the grill as Luis Isaac enters the frame.

Is Betancourt getting the ‘kraut ready?

Yeah, he’s on his way.

OK, fellas. Grab a bun. Brats On!

The pitchers, buns in hand, start to line up as Borowski starts doling out the sausage.

Fade to black

The Truth About Slider

Slider and the girls that accompany him run off of the field to wild cheers as Slider ducks into a small room and sits down on a folding chair.

He sighs, and struggles to remove his oversized head. When the head is removed, it reveals a disheveled Bob Feller.

He grabs a handkerchief and wipes his brow, then has a drink of water.

One of Slider’s assistants swings open the door, saying, “There you are Mr. Feller. It’s time to go, we’re getting the Hot Dog Launcher loaded.”

Feller sighs deeply, puts the mascot head back on and slowly walks out the door.

Fade to black.

Access Denied

Jeremy Sowers is shown getting out of his car in the players’ parking lot and walking towards the players’ entrance. A security guard (much larger than Sowers) stands at the door and stops Sowers as he approaches.

Security Guard: Hey, kid. This is the players’ entrance. Can’t get in here. If you want, you can stand right here for an autograph.

Sowers: No, I play for the team. I’m Jeremy Sowers.

Security Guard:
Sure you are, buddy.

C.C. Sabathia approaches from behind and gives the security guard a high-five on his way into the entrance.

Security Guard: What’s up C? Great game last night.

Sabathia: Thanks, man.

Security Guard: You know this guy (pointing to Sowers)? He says he’s on the team.

Sabathia (continuing to walk through the door, pausing to turn to look at Sowers): Nope, never seen him.

Security Guard:
Sorry, kid.

Sowers (yelling after C.C.): C.C.! C’mon man, tell him who I am! That’s not funny! C.C.!

Fade to black.

Life Between At-Bats

Travis Hafner is shown making his way through the dugout, collecting high-fives after hitting a home run. Hafner works his way down the stairs to the clubhouse, still giddy from the excitement. He goes to his locker and hits play on a CD player, which starts the old Hulk Hogan introduction theme “Real American”. Hafner is shown, dressing up like the Hulkster of old, complete with the blond wig and mustache, do-rag, and yellow “Hulkamania” shirt.

As Hafner is doing the old “hand against the ear” routine, a finger presses STOP on the CD player behind Hafner. Hafner wheels around to find Cliff Lee standing there.

Hey, Cliff. What’s up? Did they take you out?

Yeah, I’m going to go hit the showers. You might want to get back in uniform, Sizemore’s leading off next inning.

OK, cool. Talk to you later.

Hafner starts to take off the do-rag and wig.

Fade to black.

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