Written by Steve Buffum

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Jair Jurrjens.  Jair Sporking Jurrjens.  You have got to be kidding me.  The same guy that the Akron Aeros have beaten twice this year ... one hits the Indians, ruining yet another brilliant starting pitching performance.  This one, a 77 pitch, 59 strike, three hit complete game from Fausto Carmona.  Buff is not happy.  As a matter of fact, Buff is irate.

FINAL	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
Indians (68-56)	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	1	1	0
Tigers (68-57)	0	0	0	0	2	0	0	0	X	2	3	0

W: Jurrjens (1-1) L: Carmona (14-8) S: Todd Jones (32) 

It's just a personality crisis,
You got it while it was hot.
And now frustration and heartache
Is what you've got.
-- "Personality Crisis," New York Dolls 

Wah wah wah wah wah wah
wah wah wah wah wah wah
wah wah wah wah wah wah
wah wah wah wah wah wah
Boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely
boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely
boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely
boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely boodely
-- "Opening," Philip Glass 

1) The highest highs and the lowest lows 

By now you know that Fausto Carmona was nearly unhittable last night, matching Jair Jurrjens' no-hit bid for four innings. 

But that doesn't really tell you how dominant Carmona was, because although Jurrjens walked four Indians, Carmona didn't even allow a baserunner through those four innings.  That's right, Carmona was working on a perfect game through four. 

But even THAT doesn't really tell you how dominant Carmona was.  Consider the first inning: 

Granderson: Strike (looking), Strike (looking), Ball, fly out 
Polanco: Strike (looking), Strike (swinging), ground out 
Sheffield: Strike (looking), Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging) 

That's right, I boldfaced the single ball of the inning.  They swung and missed the ball more often than they even made contact.  (Carmona threw TWO balls in the second, inducing three ground outs.) 

In fact, Granderson's out was notable in that it left the infield, the only ball to do so in the first four innings (four Ks, 7 groundouts). 

And then Magglio Ordonez hit a pretty darned good pitch the other way for a Jeffrey Maier. 

And then Fausto threw an execrable pitch to Carlos Guillen for a legitimate home run. 

And then the game was over. 

Carmona also gave up a double to Granderson later, but finished his 8 innings with those three hits, 5 Ks, no walks and a mere 77 pitches (59 for strikes). 

2) Credit Where Credit Is Due Dept. 

Jurrjens does not strike me as a tremendous pitcher.  But when your second major-league start features beating a Fausto Carmona three-hitter by giving up one hit in 6 2/3 innings, carrying a no-hitter into the sixth, even if you walk four guys and are the beneficiary of two double plays, that qualifies as a tremendous performance. 

3) Trying to capture the spirit of the game 

In the first inning, the Indians appeared to be poised on looking like a major-league team.  Kenny Lofton drew a leadoff walk after fouling off a pair of Jurrjens offerings and stood on first, ready to take the world by storm. 

And then Casey Blake fouled out on the first pitch. 

And then Grady Sizemore flied into a double play, getting Lofton doubled off first. 

And then the white noise set in. 

Boodely boodley ground out boodely boodely boodely line out boodely boodely fly out boodely boodely boodely second-pitch ground out wah wah second-pitch foul out wah wah third-pitch fly out wah wah wah wonder what's on television fly out strike out looking pop out boodely boodely wah wah line out WUUUUUUUUM! 

A walk! 

No, wait, first-pitch 4-6-3 double play boodely boodely boodely first pitch ground out WOOOOO! 

A home run!  We're right back in this thing!  A vicious ground out!  A two-strike walk!  It's rally time!  Tie this baby up!  Carmona is dominating!  One more run and we'll take it, I know it!  Lofton steals second, his first SB as an Indian!  3-2 on Casey, working the count!  The kid is going to crumble!  Grounder to the short-third hole!  It's going to ... argh!  Nice play by Guillen.  Damn.  Well, that ought to fire up the troops, no?  No?  No? 

No. 

Boodely boodely boodely wah wah ground out boodely line out four-pitch walk, all righty, we're goin, here comes Zumaya, he's cold, he's ...  

Wah wah ground out to second boodely boodely meek meek meek meek fly out boodely fly out boodely ground out boodely lame-assed closer looking at three stright strikes out boodely fly out wah wah wah wah fly out boodly ballgame. 

Boodely. 

4) Silver Lining Dept. 

(chirp chirp chirp) 

5) No, really 

Oh, all right.  Jhonny Peralta hit a home run.  Kenny Lofton stole a base.  Mike Rouse's two errors were made in Beefalo and not Detroit. 

6) Nice hose! 

After Curtis Granderson, a speedy and talented baserunner as well as a very good hitter, doubled in the sixth, threatening to stretch the lead to an insurmountable 2 runs, Kenny Lofton snared Potato Head Polanco's liner to center and doubled Granderson off second base, nearly making up for the fact that he'd been doubled off by Granderson on a similar play in the first. 

7) Good eye! 

Lofton and Travis Hafner each drew a pair of walks.  However, Casey Blake bats after Lofton, and Ryan Garko decided to practice hitting bad high outside pitches to the second baseman, so it really didn't matter. 

8) Managerial Head Scratcher 

Rarghgharargarharggrahagarhargarhargaarhrghgrghgraargarhg!
-- Every Napalm Death song I've ever heard 

If this offense gives a shit, it completely escapes the lay fan. 

Let's recap: Grady Sizemore is quiet.  Travis Hafner is embarrassed.  Casey Blake is turning orange as we speak.  Victor Martinez is tired.  Trot Nixon is bad.  If you are waiting for a player to Step Up and Call Out The Offense and All That Rot, you have picked the wrong team, month, and year.  It isn't happening.  Don't stew over this, just accept it. 

And once you've accepted this, how about GETTING YOUR TEAM TO PLAY WITH A LITTLE PASSION, YOU BOXHEADED PORN-STACHE-GROWING LAME-ASS EXCUSE FOR A MANAGER?!?!?! 

Boodely boodely.