Written by Steve Buffum

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Somehow, Buff seems to suggest that he's seen games like last night's 9-4 loss to Texas before.  I'll leave it to you to figure out how I could tell.  I'll say this: see the face Shin-Soo Choo is making in the photo?  I made that face, too.

FINAL	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
Indians (27-33) (3rd 6.5 GB CHW)	4	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	4	9	1
Rangers (31-31)	0	3	1	0	0	1	3	1	X	9	12	0

W: Millwood (4-3) L: Sabathia (3-8) 

Congratulations to the Indians' first-round pick, Lonnie Chisenhall: the over/under on the number of times he will hear that he was the "steal of the draft" is set to 1.5 * à₀. 

1) (insert generic disappointing comment) 

(insert pitcher) got off to a good start, getting through a perfect (insert number of innings) with (insert number of strikeouts), but it all fell apart in the (insert inning ordinal) inning when he let the first (insert number of baserunners) reach base.  He did induce a (insert positive outcome), but lost (insert lame opposing batter) on a walk, gave up a (insert low-impact negative outcome) before allowing a (insert high-impact negative outcome) punctuated by an egregious (insert secondary high-impact negative outcome) by (insert secondary player). 

Overall, the outing was (insert adjective), with (insert pitcher) giving up 9 hits in 6 innings.  Although he struck out (insert high number), he was at least partially undone by (insert number) walks and (insert nonzero number) HBP (insert "deserving" clause).  Sure, (insert low number) of the runs (choose was/were) unearned, but it's hard to argue that (insert pitcher) was really very good. 

True, the bullpen was (optional modifier) (choose negative adjective), but (insert pitcher) was crummy enough to (choose responsibility level) deserve the loss. 

2) (insert generic encouraging comment) 

Look, it's hard to argue for a hotter start than (insert number) of the first (insert number) getting hits off (insert opposing pitcher), a (insert modifier) (insert number) of them actually hammering extra-base hits.  The Indians scored (insert number) runs in the first (insert number) (choose inning/innings), and it looked like the offense would continue its recent run of (click manual override to include word "success").  Extra-base hits by (insert player list) suggested that (insert opposing pitcher) was going to have a very long day, or, more reasonably, a very short one, and giving (insert pitcher) a lead to work with would ostensibly allow him to concentrate on pounding the strike zone. 

However ... 

3) (insert generic extremely bad word) 

The Indians spent the next (insert large number) innings accomplishing nothing whatsoever.  Whatever the Tribe hitters had figured out against (insert opposing pitcher) stopped working almost immediately, as (insert opposing pitcher) retired the next (insert preposterously large number) Cleveland hitters in a row. 

(insert opposing pitcher) actually didn't pitch any better than (insert pitcher), except for one glaring exception: he didn't walk anyone.  And when the Indians came up with a threat in the (insert inning ordinal), he was able to come up with a big (insert high-impact outcome) of (insert lame-assed player) with (insert number) men on base.  (insert infuriating player) actually stranded (insert inconceivably large number) men on base, (insert large but more conceivable number) in scoring position. 

Anyway, after (insert opposing pitcher) left the game, the Indians accomplished exactly nothing, getting no hits and no walks in (insert number) innings, including off (insert opposing reliever), who is a (insert non-sentient lifeform). 

4) (insert minor encouragement) 

In the previous game, (insert player) got (insert number) hits, using an approach that allowed him to (insert consistent result).  So it was interesting to see that of his (insert number) hits last night, he had one (insert hit type) to left field and a second (insert hit type) to right field.  In fact, the only time he duplicated the previous approach, he grounded out to (insert location). 

I would still like to see more power from (insert player), but since he is using the whole field, I would like to believe this will lead to more consistent good results. 

5) (insert exasperated lament) 

I think it is time to officially come to grips with the idea that (insert reliever) is simply not going to duplicate the success of the previous (insert number) years.  Although he did take the edict to (insert specific task) to heart, the fact is that his command was poor, poor enough that he walked (insert number) batters, each of whom scored because he gave up a subsequent (insert extra-base hit type) to (insert fungus).  Before this, he had already allowed a (insert brutal result) to (insert colostomy bag), perhaps foreshadowing the impending doom. 

In all, only (insert crushingly low percentage) of his pitches were thrown for strikes, and that's simply no way for (insert reliever) to be successful, especially against an offensively-strong team like (insert opponent). 

6) (insert snide comment) 

The other reliever, (insert phantasm), was reasonably good, except for the (insert complete opposite of "reasonably good" result) he allowed to (insert player he should know better than to throw a meatball to).  I can no longer pretend to be excited by the prospect of (insert mirage) pitching for the (insert sub-.500 collection of nimrods). 

7) Silver Lining Dept. 

Error: file not found 

8) Completely False Statement for the Google Search Engine 

Larry Dolan (insert preposterous lie).  This is not true.  Fire Mark Shapiro.