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Indians Indians Archive The B-List: 5/4
Written by Steve Buffum

Steve Buffum
Today's B-List examines the horra that was yesterdays beating at the hands of The A's. By now you know what to expect in this column. A detailed look inside the box score, plenty of humor, and cheap shots at fringe players on the Indians and their opponent.

How about those Cavs?

1) Putting lipstick on a pig

Jason Johnson did not strike any small children with errant pitches.  Alvaro Espinoza did not come out of retirement and place Cheez Whiz (tm) in Johnson's insulin pump, causing him to make a trip to the emergency room.  Johnson did not intentionally offend any world leaders, set fire to the stadium, or wear white socks with a brown suit.

Other than that, there is virtually nothing positive to say about his outing.  With three singles, three doubles, and three walks in two fantabulous innings of work, Johnson gave up seven runs, ballooned his season's ERA over 5, and pretty much ended the game by the time Grady Sizemore led off the third.

2) The Human Blunderbuss

The invention of the rifle barrel was an important advancement in the history of firearms.  By creating a curved groove in, or "rifling," the barrel of the gun, the bullets were forced to take a regular rotational path out of the barrel and made firing accurately over longer distances easier than ever before.  Before this, guns with "smooth bores" were notoriously inaccurate at distances greater than, say, 10 meters.

Before this, of course, was the amusingly-named and even more amusingly-performing primitive shotgun known as the blunderbuss.  With a flared barrel, it had a reliable accuracy of about nine inches.

And then, there was Guillermo Mota.

In Mota's first 20 pitches (first 20?!  That's a long inning right there.), Mota threw four strikes and walked all four batters he faced.  He did recover to throw 8 more strikes, but I think the umpire felt sorry for him by the time Jay Payton came up.  Oh, did I mention the sac fly or the run-scoring double?  I recommend keeping Espinoza away from the super glue, he appears to have used it to weld Mota's fingers together.  Or his eyelids shut.  Why couldn't he have done that to me instead?

3) An honest misunderstanding

Guys, it was Kirk Saarloos.  KIRK SAARLOOS!

4) Mota was only trying to be one of the guys

Johnson: 2 IP, 3 BB
Guthrie: 3 IP, 3 BB
Sauerbeck: 1 IP, 1 BB

So it was understandable that Mota didn't want to show anybody up.

Seriously, 11 walks is Really Bad.  (Accompanied by 11 hits, it's a minor miracle that we gave up "only" twelve runs.)

5) Ducks on the goddam rassin-frassin homina homina pond!

You can't get 14 hits and score 4 runs.  That's just barely plausible.  Combined with three walks, you end up with 12 left on base, 5 in scoring position.  We had two on in the first (double play), two on in the second (fly out, K), one on in the third (two straight Ks), two on in the fourth (ground out), and the bases loaded in the fifth (K, line out) to "manufacture" one run.  I've heard of Small Ball, Smart Ball, and Billy Ball, but this was none of those.  Pointless Ball?  Squander Ball?  Dung Ball?

Seriously, it's just one of those games, but it doesn't make it Not Frustrating.

6) The thrill has worn off

The Jeremy Guthrie Era no longer warms my heart.  3 H, 3 BB, 2 K, 2 ER, 1 WP in 3 IP: the Goodness Factor here is somewhere between Rick Waits and Chad Paronto.  Since I saw the originals, I was hoping to miss the reprise.

7) Added frustration

Mark Ellis is batting .186.  To walk a .186 batter THREE TIMES is simply lame.

Jay Payton is batting .197.  We challenged him, he only walked twice.

See, it's not just the walks, it the guys who walked.  Nick Swisher?  Hey, he's hot (he doubled twice), go ahead and pitch around him.  But Ellis?  Payton?  Bobby Goddam Kielty, sporting a .133 average?!?!  I don't expect sub-Mendozan seasons from these guys, but the average is indicative of them being cold: throw them a bloody strike!

8) Turning it around?

Jhonny Peralta has a seven-game hit streak, has hit in 8 of the last 9, and is 14-for-41 (.341) in those 9 games (including 9 for his last 20, or .450).  Maybe the three hole suits him after all.

Jason Michaels has reached base in 7 of his last 8 starts.  He still slugs like Jason Tyner.

Aaron Boone is still a fungus.

9) Encouraging signs

Johnson induced 5 ground ball outs to 1 fly ball out.  Wickman induced 2 grounders and struck out a guy.  Every Indians starter had a hit. 
Guillermo Mota did not jam a thumb into his eye.

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