Written by Steve Buffum

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The Indians took one of three from the Reds this weekend to stop a seven-game slide.  In the week of June 13-19, they won one game.  In the week of June 20-26, they won zero games.  So you could make the case that this has already been the best week in quite a while after one day.  The only downside is that without a day off this week, the Tribe can still lose six games during the week.  Can they do it? 

FINAL	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
Indians (26-46)	0	0	0	0	2	1	0	0	0	3	9	2
Reds (41-33)	0	2	3	0	4	0	1	0	X	10	12	0

W: Harang (6-7)             L: Laffey (0-2) 

FINAL	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
Indians (26-47)	1	0	0	2	0	0	0	0	1	4	9	1
Reds (42-33)	1	0	0	0	2	3	0	0	X	6	8	0

W: D.R. Herrera (1-3)     L: Masterson (2-7)         S: F. Cordero (20) 

FINAL	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
Indians (27-47)	1	0	0	0	3	0	0	1	0	5	8	0
Reds (42-34)	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	2	0	3	4	1

W: Talbot (8-6)              L: Arroyo (7-4)               S: K. Wood (6) 

This is going to have to be an abridged version due to illness and family. 

1) Welcome back … I guess …

 What kind of pitcher is Aaron Laffey? 

When Laffey first came up, there were two things that stuck out: 

a) He induced a lot of ground balls
b) He was exceptionally unlucky, giving up runs without hits 

Now, part of (b) was that he did not have the best control: a significant number of his offerings wandered well outside or otherwise weren’t in the strike zone.  But he had an exceptional sinker, and hitters pounded the ball into the ground with great frequency.  He seemed to induce a double play every other inning or so. 

Laffey went back to the minors a couple times, both on injury rehab and suckiness rehab, and practised mixing a four-seamer into his repertoire.  On the surface, this is a fine move, in that having more quality is better than having less quality, and having more options is better than limiting one’s options.  However, since he has started doing this, he has succeeded only in becoming one of the most pedestrian pitchers on Earth. 

Laffey’s last stint in the minors was specifically targeted to stretching him out, as he spent the first part of the season in Cleveland’s bullpen.  That’s all fine and everything, but the man walked something like 15 guys in 20 innings or something else horrific like that. 

So while it was a good sign to see Laffey strike out the side in the first inning (Laffey was never much of a strikeout pitcher), the fact remains that he walked 3 guys in 4 innings and threw a first-pitch strike to only 8 of the 21 hitters he faced.  He gave up a two-run homer to Drew Stubbs, which is not a Sooper Terrible Thing, but as an ex-groundball pitcher, you would hope more balls would stay in the park, even in Cincinnati’s bandbox.  And while he did give up a single and a double before loading the bases on a walk, the three runs that scored came without any actual hits: walk, sac fly, sac fly.  Both walks in the inning came on full counts; if either Mohawk Gomes or Jay Bruce had hit a ground ball instead of being able to lift the ball into the outfield, it may have saved at least one (if not two) runs. 

Anyway, Laffey’s start was a Big Bucket O’ Fail, and I disliked it.  How this differs from David Huff is an exercise left to the reader.  (2 of 5 hits for extra bases) 

By the way, on the season: Laffey’s BB:K ratio is 16:16. 

2) Old Skool Fail 

Two of Justin Masterson’s last three starts were actually quite excellent: a complete-game shutout of Boston, and a 6-inning stint against Pittsburgh that the Indians would later squander without his help.  The common thread across Masterson’s last three starts, though: fewer walks.  He allowed 2 in 9, then 2 in 7, and 1 in 6.  There is not an isomorphic relationship between walks and success for Masterson, but the correlation is clearly negative (as it is for most pitchers, of course).  The problem with walks is that not only do they turn into baserunners, but they turn into grooved pitches (out of fear) or wild pitches (out of overcompensation). 

Masterson didn’t really groove anything egregiously: even during a 4-walk outing that latest 5-plus innings (“The plus stands for extra fail!”), Masterson’s six hits were all singles.  This, combined with Frank Herrmann’s return to ordinariness, translated into 6 tuns, and Masterson lost for the 7^th time this season. 

Here’s the real issue for Masterson: billed as a strikeout pitcher, he has struck out fewer than 3 hitters in 4 of his last 7 starts, and has walked MORE hitters than he’s struck out in 5 of his last 9.  It is one thing to walk too many guys.  It is another thing to strike out too few guys.  It is a third thing to walk too many guys WHILE striking out too few guys. 

It is called “David Huff.”  Or “Aaron Laffey.”  Or “Jeremy Sowers.”  As Shakespeare’s rough draft said, “A turd by any other name would smell as foul.”  Do not add your name to this list of Epic Fail, Justin. 

3) Nothing but the Finest Smokes and Mirrors 

Face it: you do not know why Mitch Talbot has a 3.88 ERA.  You don’t know how he could hold the Reds to 3 singles in 7 innings, and you don’t know how he’s won 8 of 14 decisions pitching in front of the mookiest mooks this side of the Cumberland Valley.  (Baltimore is on the other side.) 

Do you care?  Not a jot, not a tittle.

Huzzah! 

4) Don’t look now 

I’m afraid that if you look, you will spoil the magic, but consider this: 

Tony Sipp Friday: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 2 K, 9 of 13 pitches for strikes
Raffy Perez Saturday: 2/3 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 1 K, 5 of 6 pitches for strikes
Chris Perez Saturday: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 3 K, 9 of 11 pitches for strikes 

Yes, Chris Perez gave up a two-run shot on Sunday, but … two left-handed relief appearances yielding two FLAWLESS left-handed relief appearances … I mean … talk about “Through the Looking Glass …” 

5) Feel the Awe! 

Kerry Wood is back, bay-bee! 

Three hitters. 

Three strikeouts. 

5 swinging strikes (and 4 fouls) in 17 pitches (11 strikes). 

This is immediately after the Reds were taken off life support and were dancing around, fully recovered, after getting 2 runs in the bottom of the 8^th to pull within 5-3.  They had all the momentum, and all the emotion, and Kerry Wood simply slapped them silly until the slunk away, nursing their wounded egos. 

If you don’t trade for Kerry Wood THIS WEEK, the entire universe will laugh at you.  Every bit of it.  Don’t get laughed at!  Call today! 

6) Smash-Soo Choo! 

I think that Choo is the obvious choice for the Indians’ All-Star pick.  You could argue for Austin Kearns or Causto Carmona, but really, Choo is our best player, and would be most valuable in a game like that. 

But only if Bronson Arroyo is on the NL staff. 

7) Taking the bull by the horns 

The Non-Celebrity Deathmatch between Anderson Hernandez and Jayson Nix has gotten off to a rousing start: Hernandez drove in a pair of runs on a ball that bounced into the stands by the ballgirl, and Nix doubled off Sam LeCure to score a run on Friday. 

Of course, Hernandez also made a humorous error and Nix went 0-for-4 on Sunday, so … well … a bull has TWO horns.  Each man can be impaled without affecting the other. 

8) So long, and thanks for all the whiffs! 

The Indians traded Russ Branyan back to Seattle for Bag-o-beans Johnson and Warm Body Smith-Smythe-Smiff. 

The emotional response to this deal runs the gamut from “ennui” to “giddy.”  He was a ridiculous signing in the first place, and I’m glad we were able to parlay his singular ineptitude into younger, even less-ept players.  Johnson and Smith-Smythe-Smiff will report to Cuyahoga Falls, which does not have a baseball team, but does have a nice mall for them to hang out in.  Visit them at “Foot Locker,” unless they’re on break, in which case they’re probably at the “Orange Julius.” 

9) Wunderkind status update 

Carlos Santana hit his first right-handed major-league homer on Sunday, as all five Cleveland runs in the win scored as a result of homers.  He also hit a left-handed homer on Friday and a double on Saturday.  Tomorrow, he will be saving puppies at the Cuyahoga Falls Mall before playing the Blue Jays at night. 

10) Welcome back … well … sorta … 

Matt LaPorta returned with Branyan’s trade, and promptly struck out twice in an 0-for-4 game. 

PLEASE stop sucking.  PLEASE.  I’m begging you.  I will wash your car.  I will wash your cat.  But please stop sucking. 

Please.