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Indians Indians Archive The B-List: 7/29
Written by Steve Buffum

Steve Buffum

Mitch Talbot walked a hitter.  Then he walked a hitter.  Then he walked a hitter.  Then he walked a hitter.  Then he left, and Raffy Perez walked a hitter.  Then he left, and Frank Herrmann walked a hitter.  Then he walked a hitter.  Then he left, and Tony Sipp walked a hitter.  Then he walked a hitter.  Then he left, and Joe Smiff walked a hitter.  Then he walked a hitter.  Then he left, and Jess Todd walked a hitter.  Then he left, and Andy Marte did NOT walk a hitter.  Then the moon exploded.  

FINAL 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
Plague (65-36) 0 0 1 0 0 1 7 2 0 11 12 1
Goon Squad (42-60) 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 4 6 1

martepitchesW: Moseley (1-0)  L: Cleveland Fans (0-googol) 

So, what I’m thinking here is that Manny Acta has a poor conception of what constitutes “a mockery.” 

0) Administrative Note 

My editor likes to point out that from time to time, it would be wise to include the fact that you can follow me on Twitter at @stevebuffum.  If you don’t, you missed gems such as this: 

@castrovince A couple of those pitches looked REALLY close. Smiff struck out both Cervelli and Jeter as far as I'm concerned.  

Why is sidearmer Joe Smiff pitching to Curtis Granderson? Because we're out of lefties. Bring in Choo!  

This game is awesome! We burn out the entire bullpen ... and lose big anyway.  

Okay, at this point, screw setting the record for walks: just start plunking everyone. (Plan flaw: CLE pitchers would miss NYY hitters.)  

@castrovince Andy Marte! I insist Andy Marte take the mound! Him, or Slider.  (sent during Joe Smiff's stint) 

Badly in need of strikes, the Tribe turns to ... Jess Todd.  

Any time you can start 2-0 on Frank Cervelli with a man in scoring position, you have to do it, because he is so dangerous.  

Ah, Todd fools Cervelli by throwing 3 pitches over the plate! Crafty devil!  

Please, for the love of Mike, just swing at every pitch. Both teams. Just make this game die.  

Hm ... I'm thinking ... the SEVENTH consecutive low ball MIGHT have been going to the well ONCE too often there, Jess.  

Oh, fer crine out loud! Walk the bases loaded for Teixeira. Gah!  

Yeah, excuse me, it was Miranda, and he singled, and now I am dead.  

Who ARE these guys, and why won't they go away?  

Good news: Jess Todd struck out the side! Bad news: he also gave up 2 runs on four hits and a walk.  

Sad news: this makes him only the third-worst reliever for the Cleveland Indians tonight.  

@Peeker643 (expletive) K differential, Andy Marte is the ONLY Cleveland pitcher NOT TO WALK A BATTER!  

Chile, please. @jazayerli "My God, there is some awful baseball being played at Kauffman Stadium tonight."  

Seems a shame to saddle Herrmann with that loss. I know they fell behind on his watch, but couldn't you give it to Smiff anyway? 

As an added bonus, I Tweet as soon as I post a column, so you have that going for you, which is nice.  I don’t always post as often during Tribe games, especially when I’m chatting on BBTN Live over at ESPN, but I am usually pretty sarcastic.  This probably surprises … um … no one. 

1) Tonight on “Top Chef!” 

Padma: Welcome back, everyone.  Tonight’s challenge was to cook something that showed you had a strong, controlled presence in the kitchen.  Mitch, you’re up first, what do you have for us this evening? 
Talbot: Well, Padma, I’m not very flashy, but I’m versatile and reliable, so I planned on cooking you a nice Beef Bourguignon.
Collecchio: This is Beef Bourguignon?
Talbot: It was meant to be, but I sort of ran out of time.
Collecchio: You had all day!
Talbot, Yes, but you see, I hurt my back trying to lift the cast iron pot out from the bottom of the cabinet …
Collecchio: So?
Talbot: So I tried to compensate by muscling it up with my bare hands, and I forgot to use hotpads, and I seared my flesh.
Padma: I thought I detected an odor of something fleshy …
Guest Judge: Smells like chicken!
Collecchio: Chicken something else, I’d say, if you know what I mean ...
Talbot: Anyway, with my hands welded to the pot, I wasn’t able to cut the vegetables the way I wanted, so I put on metal cleats and tried to slice them by stomping.
Padma: Stomp them?
Talbot: Yes, well, I got a few floor sweepings in there, so I stopped that and used my teeth.
Collecchio: Let me get this straight: you didn’t want to contaminate the food with garbage from the floor, so you used your saliva instead.  Is that what you’re telling me?
Talbot: Also, I couldn’t turn on the oven.
Collecchio: So what you’re telling me is that the meat is raw …
Talbot: Pretty raw, yes. 
Collecchio: …dirty … 
Talbot: Not so you’d notice from a distance, no … 
Collecchio: … contaminated … 
Talbot: I’d like to think of myself as a fairly hygenic person … 
Collecchio: … mostly unseasoned … 
Talbot: Well, with my injuries, I really wasn’t able to do anything but fling things without being able to follow through properly … 
Collecchio: … and poorly cooked? 
Talbot: Well, when you say it like THAT, it sounds pretty miserable. 
Padma: Pretty miserable?  I’d say catastrophic! 
Talbot: Yes, but I did manage to plate the dish, like getting a bases-loaded double play.  I pulled it out at the last moment! 
Collecchio: And then you were finished for the night. 
Talbot: Well, yeah. 
Padma: Okay, Mitch, let’s see what Raffy has made for us. 
Perez: I made a roast chicken with fennel and apples, served with cilantro rice. 
Collecchio: I have to say, this isn’t bad. 
Perez: Thank you. 
Collecchio: I mean, it’s got herbs kind of flung every which way.  It’s like you got barely half of them in the pan at all. 
Perez: I didn’t want to overseason it. 
Collecchio: So you flung 21 in the pan and 18 out of it? 
Perez: It would appear so. 
Padma: That’s not really the best ratio.  It looks like one apple actually escaped the pan altogether and has rolled under the judge’s table. 
Perez: I do this, yes. 
Collecchio: And this fennel is burnt. 
Perez: This, too, is something I do regularly. 
Collecchio: But overall, it’s a nice dish.  Nice work. 
Perez: Thank you. 
Padma: And now Frank. 
Collecchio: Frank, what have you done with your face there? 
Herrmann: I have no face. 
Collecchio (raising eyebrows): Well, then. 
Herrmann: I was going to make spaghetti carbonara, then changed my mind midway through the process and thought stuffed pork chops would be better. 
Padma: What exactly is the stuffing in these pork chops, Frank? 
Herrmann: Spaghetti carbonara. 
Collecchio: You stuffed the pork chops with spagh … tell me, Frank, did it ever occur to you while you were doing this that you didn’t HAVE to use every ingredient you bought? 
Herrmann: No, it did not. 
Collecchio: So you just sort of …. flung everything around, missing the pan even more than Raffy here …
Herrmann: Yes, I missed quite a lot.  In my defense, the pan was smaller than it normally is. 
Padma: That’s no excuse, Frank.  You have to be able to adjust to the size of the pan, no matter what kind of pan you’re used to. 
Herrmann: I did not do this. 
Collecchio: No, I would say not! 
Guest Judge: Do I get any more lines here? 
Collecchio: I think we have this under control, GJ.  Frank, this just tastes terrible. 
Herrmann: It’s not my best work. 
Collecchio: That seems like an understatement.  It’s really terrible, Frank. 
Herrmann: Have you seen the other guys? 
Padma: Oh, we’re getting to that.  Tony, what have you made for us? 
Sipp: I decided I kind of liked some of Frank’s execution … 
Collecchio: Oh, good Lord … 
Sipp: But I added my own spicy twist. 
Padma: Tony, what exactly is this? 
Sipp: Well, the crust is a combination of pecans and chopped poblano peppers, infused in anchovy vinegar. 
Collecchio: That’s really just about the worst thing I’ve ever heard. 
Padma: But what is the crust on, Tony? 
Sipp: Well, I couldn’t find any meat with the right release point, so that’s a shoe. 
Collecchio: A shoe. 
Sipp: Yeah, my left shoe, in fact.  (holds up left foot, covered with only a sock) 
Collecchio: You cooked a shoe. 
Sipp: Well, it’s no good raw. 
Collecchio: A shoe. 
Sipp: I saw it once in “The Gold Rush!” 
Collecchio: Tony, I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve never meant it literally, but this is actually inedible. 
Sipp: You don’t like the flavors? 
Collecchio: Tony, it’s a SHOE.  I can’t eat this. 
Padma: None of us can. 
Sipp: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but … 
Padma: Joe? 
Smiff: Yeah? 
Padma: Joe, Tony has given us a shoe, and a rather disgusting shoe at that. 
Smiff: Yeah? 
Padma: And yet somehow, you’ve managed to do worse. 
Smiff: Yeah? 
Collecchio: Joe, what do you call this? 
Smiff: It’s something I picked up in New York.  They’re real innovative there. 
Collecchio: Joe? 
Smiff: Yeah? 
Collecchio: What IS it? 
Smiff: Well, you take a pork loin and soak it in pure bromine. 
Collecchio: Bromine. 
Smiff: Yeah. Then instead of cooking it, you just throw it around the kitchen for a while until it burns your hand. 
Collecchio: Because you’ve soaked it in bromine. 
Smiff: Yeah.  Then you roll it in arsenic trioxide, and stick it in a burlap sack with a live rabid beaver and six hornets. 
Collecchio: Joe, not only would I not EAT this, but if I DID, I expect it would actually KILL me. 
Smiff: They didn’t really like it in New York, either.
Padma: And now Jess. 
Todd: Right! 
Padma: Jess, tell us about your dish. 
Todd: I didn’t really know what to make. 
Padma: Yeeeees? 
Todd: So I gave you a brick. 
Collecchio: A brick. 
Todd: Yep. 
Collecchio: This really takes the cake, as it were, and I wish I had some cake, because then at least it would be edible and not buzzing furiously at me. 
Todd: My dish doesn’t buzz. 
Collecchio: No, but it doesn’t do anything else, EITHER.  It’s a brick.  About all it’s good for is hitting OVER and OVER and OVER again. 
Todd: I struck out the side! 
Padma: You gave us a brick!
Todd: You guys are harsh. 
Padma: Hey, who is that? 
Collecchio: You, over there! 
Marte: What?  Me? 
Collecchio: Let me see what you have there. 
Marte: Um … it’s my lunch.  I brought it from home. 
Collecchio: Let me see that … a sort of a cured meat product … what is this? 
Marte: Um … it’s ham? 
Collecchio: … lightly juxtaposed between slices of bread … what kind of bread is this? 
Marte: Rye? 
Collecchio: … some seasonings … look, this is genius. 
Padma: Let me see that.  (Takes a bite)  This is delicious! 
Marte: Hey … um … that’s my lunch … 
Collecchio: I think we have a winner here.  Raffy, your work was fine, and we look forward to seeing you again, but this guy, whose name I do not even know, is my winner this week. 
Padma: I concur. 
Marte: Hey … um … you know, I’m kind of on my way to go hit some … 
Collecchio: Oh, no, stay here.  We need you, and I’ve seen you hit. 
Padma: Oh, no.  You can’t hit. 
Marte: But … 
Padma: Join us next week when we review Fausto Carmona’s execution of “Citrus Bug Salad,” and maybe Kerry Wood will be back to improve on the “Licorice Peanut Codfish” he showed us last time. 
Collecchio: Oh, that was awful.  Just awful. 
Padma: Thanks again, and we’ll see you next time on, “Top Chef!” 

2) Footnote 

The Indians went 2-for-5 with runners in scoring position.

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