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Indians Indians Archive Fake Conversations Between Real People
Written by Nino Colla

Nino Colla

amarteFans of sports teams only hear the results of decisions made, never the true reasoning that went into them.

Especially with the Cleveland Indians and especially with the development of Shapiroese, the careful phrasing and wording of a statement used to answer the question without ever really answering the question.

That's in the dictionary, look it up.

You may get a reason for why the Indians decided to leave Adam Miller off the 40-man roster, but chances are you aren't getting the real reason. A lot of times though, withholding the truth may have its merits.

Sometimes you have to bash those merits with a sledgehammer though. And if that means making up fake conversations that happened between real people to give us answers, then so be it.

It also explains why Andy Marte sounds like he knows the English language.

11/04/10 - Andy Marte designated for assignment.

Chris Antonetti: Well Andy, I'm afraid we are going to have to designate you for assignment, which means no one will claim you, which means you are now a free agent.

Andy Marte: You sure about this?

Antonetti: Trust me. Don't think we haven't thought this one through. You have been a... well you have been a member of this organization since 2006 and we appreciate the past four years of service.

Marte: I feel like I had this conversation with Mark already.

Antonetti: This time it is for good though. I don't foresee us re-signing you.

Marte: But you have no third baseman, I'm the best defender you have!

Antonetti: We're playing Nix at third in Puerto Rico, we think he'll be ready, if not, we will explore other options.

Marte: Yeah like Nick Punto? Good luck with that, he can't hit a beach ball with a tank. I can at least hit a fastball. You know I can hit the fastball!

Antonetti: Well, that is a good point.

Marte: Right and you know I could provide some great depth at third base in Columbus. Remember what I did in 2009?

Antonetti: Yeah, you won the home run derby!

Marte: Exactly Chris! No...That was in 2006. I tore up Triple-A though, they couldn't get me out.

Antonetti: But you don't mind backing up Lonnie Chisenhall and playing a little bit of first?

Marte: It's better than playing in Double-A Altoona, I don't even know where that is!

Antonetti: I guess you're back in the fold then! If Juan Salas can't keep you away, I was foolish to think anyone could!

*Antonetti's office phone rings*

Antonetti: Yeah Mark... Yeah he is here now... Yeah I told him... Uh, well... Right, But... Okay fine... Yes, voodoo magic, I don't think it got to me... He was just really persuasive... Fine, it will be done.

Marte: Was that Shapiro? Don't listen to him, I don't know magic! I barely know how to hit a curveball, how could I learn magic?

Antonetti: You better just go Andy. I just got this job, I'd rather not lose it.


11/19/10 - Indians add five to 40-man roster, none of which are Adam Miller.

Chris Antonetti: Hey Adam, I just thought I would let you know we are leaving you off our 40-man roster, which means you are eligible to be selected by another team in the Rule V draft next month.

Adam Miller: Gee Chris, do you think that is a great idea? I know we signed that minor league contract, but I assumed that meant you would protect me.

Antonetti: Don't worry about it Adam! I have full confidence that no one is going to select you.

Miller: Oh, so you don't think I'm good enough, is that what you mean?

Antonetti: Of course not! It's all part of our thoughtful analysis and scouting. No one has a clue about you. They don't know you are back to hitting 99 on the radar gun. In fact, they can't even access your medial records unless they actually draft you!

Miller: That's genius! But the gamble isn't a big one; $50,000 isn't that much for some teams. I know it means a lot to you guys, but what's to stop a team like Washington from taking the risk?

Antonetti: There is nothing to worry about Adam. You will be an Indian next year. And if not, I'm sure you'll be back on the disabled list soon enough.


11/21/10 - South Korea wins Gold Medal, Shin-Soo Choo receives military exemption.

Korean Government Official: Well Choo, looks like you don't have to make yourself a felon in our country after all. We've won the gold medal, you will get your exemption from military duties and you can continue to not only be a hero for this country, but continue your career in America.

Shin-Soo Choo: Thank you, I just did it for the beautiful nation of South Korea. Our country deserves this.

Korean Official: So where is it that you play again exactly?

Choo: Cleveland, but my agent is sneaking around trying to get me out in a few years. We planted a story about Detroit, knowing full well they overpay for former Indians.

Korean Official: And they are the Indians? I thought the Indians were pushed out of America a long time ago?

Choo: That's just a team name, they aren't actual Indians.

Korean Official: Right. Well good luck with your career and remember we are grateful for your contributions to the Korean national team.

Choo: Say, you don't think you guys will actually need my assistant in the military anyway? I mean, even if we didn't win the gold medal would it really have been a big deal to just grant me an exemption?

Korean Official: Between you and me, I think South Korea will be fine. You never know what that Kim Jong-il character will do, but really, what's one less person? I hear you have quite the arm though; you would have been a great asset to the military.


11/26/10 - Snow Days Opens up at Progressive Field

Mark Shapiro: Paul the day is finally here! Snopening Day! I came up with that by the way, what a hilarious gimmick!

Paul Dolan: Snow Days? What is that? Something Bud Selig instituted in case it snows on opening day again? Will we have to move to Milwaukee again!? Oh god this is great, we already lose home games with no one showing up!

Shapiro: Settle down Paul! It has nothing to do with baseball. We've turned Progressive Field into a winter wonder land. Snow is everywhere on the diamond. There's an ice rink and a maze and all sorts of fun winter activities. We're going to make a killing.

Dolan: Say what now? You found a way for us to make money during the offseason? I knew promoting you was a brilliant idea!

Shapiro: And now I don't have to be the fan's piñata for when one of our personnel moves flops.

Dolan: So wait I'm confused, it hasn't snowed yet, how are we exactly going to pull this off without snow?

Shapiro: We've created snow Paul. It wasn't that hard.

Dolan: You can create snow!? Gosh, we have to put up with enough of it, I'm not sure I like the idea of creating it before it is needed. Well whatever, as long as we make a quick buck off it. We aren't the Yankees or Cubs; no one is going to want to use Progressive Field for a football game.

Shapiro: We couldn't get anyone to play there anyway.

Dolan: Right and if we did, it would be the Browns and you and I both know they are as bad as we are.

Shapiro: You know they do draw way more than we do though, even if they suck.

Dolan: Yeah that is true. What about a college team? Does Cleveland State have a football team?

Shapiro: They don't, it would probably have to be a Division I team anyway. The closest colleges are Akron and Kent State.

Dolan: The Zips! They got a good football team don't they?

Shapiro: If you are talking about the football they kick, yes. They're the only Division I team without a win in college football and quite frankly, we draw more than they do on average in terms of attendance. No one goes to see them at their new stadium, why would they come see them at a baseball field?

Dolan: How do you know all of this stuff?

Shapiro: You'd be surprised how much free time I have now that I don't have to worry about any of the baseball related aspects of this team. I scored over 75,000 on Text Twist the other day!

Dolan: Okay, we get it, you got a Princeton education and you know a lot of words.


You can follow Nino on Twitter @TheTribeDaily where he recaps the career of Andy Marte and often tweets about the Cleveland Indians.

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