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Indians Indians Archive A Cleveland Indians Gift List
Written by Nino Colla

Nino Colla

crowe_wallAt this time of the year, as fans of the Cleveland Indians, we are used to not getting any lavished and expensive gifts for Christmas from our franchise.

Sure that was that one year we got Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa sitting under the tree and the excitement of playing with our new toys was monumental. However what was a great gift at the time turned out to be a bust. The toys broke after minimal use.

This is why we can't have nice things!

The fact that baseball's hot stove season surrounds the holiday season is fitting. The rich kids on the block are constantly getting only the best, most expensive gifts from mom and dad.

Boston got spoiled this year. Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez, both in one season? What a jackpot they got sitting under the tree.

Once and awhile, one of the families that spend on a budget goes all out to keep their children happy.

This year Brewers fans got a brand new Zack Greinke, much to the joyous surprise of the Milwaukee faithful.

For once, one of the rich families had a lackluster Christmas. Perhaps Brian Cashman and the Steinbrenner Family wanted to teach some principled values of the holiday season.

Or they just got out-dashed to the toy isle and missed out on the hot holiday item of the season.

The Indians? Well, we all know what to expect from our family. We don't have much money, but we make the most of it. They may not be the most expensive gifts, but we know they are bought with plenty of thought.

Creativity is what this franchise thrives off in terms of giving gifts and making acquisitions.

Merry Christmas! What's under the tree this year? Austin Kearns! I know we got you the same thing last year, but this is a newer model, a lot more money, more confidence and he lives in this city now!

Not very creative, but we liked the gift last year, so why wouldn't we like it again this year?

Since Chris Antonetti was so gracious enough to give us this present for the holiday season, we as fans should chip in to give him ideas of what he could get his own players and staff.

It could certainly make shopping easier this year. The list starts with the most expensive, so Chris may want to start from the bottom.


Grady Sizemore - Bionic Legs: Price - Unknown

No one is really sure about the price of bionic legs, or if it is even possible. But this is a wish list and nothing would make Grady Sizemore happier if he got a new set of legs. The old ones are wearing thin, with multiple knee surgeries and years of wear and tear on the old treads.

Sizemore would like nothing more than to not have injury concerns this upcoming season. The past two years have been frustrating for the gold glove outfielder and most of his injuries stem from problems in his legs.

Whether it has to do with playing nearly every game of four consecutive seasons, the heroic diving and leaping grabs, the 134 stolen bases, Sizemore's legs more than anything have taken a beating.

If he had a pair of bionic legs, he could play forever.

David Huff - Personal Assistant: Price - $28-35K per year

We all remember "Tweet Gate" and the incident that cost David Huff a major league start this past season, correct?

Huff says he didn't release the tweet and that it was a family member that has control of his social media outlets.

He clearly needs some organized help. You get what you pay for and if you let your brother do something for free, he is bound to screw up. So let's pay a professional to handle all of the aspects of David Huff's personal life.

It will give him the chance to focus on baseball and not have to worry about tweeting himself or relying on others to tweet for him.

Jason Donald - Third Baseman's Glove: Price - $199.95

Hey kid, you're going to need this.

Matt LaPorta - Cordless Drill and Cork: Price - Combined $41.00

Look, I'm not condoning the idea of cheating, but Matt buddy. This is an investment worth taking if things don't work out this year. Be discrete, play it cool and most importantly, if you get caught, take the fall.

Or resort to Albert Belle tactics.

Here is a bag of corks and because you need to at least put a little work into things, a cordless drill.

Don't screw this up, but by all means, screw into the bat, discretely.

Travis Hafner - WWE Electrovision Championship Belt: Price - $30.00

The problem that Travis Hafner has is that he's been with this team too long. We all know by now that he's a complete nerd and likes three things: Video games, Rammstein and wrestling.

This WWE Electrovision Belt thingamajig lets you make an electrifying entrance just like the real superstars! Yes I stole that from the product description!

Haf has a small attention span, but with 200 frames of animation, this may kill some time for him. Then after he goes through all the bells and whistles, he can take it out back, play some Rammstein entrance music and give his dogs a few Stone Cold Stunners. By gawd, by gawd!

Shin-Soo Choo - Wonder Girls CD: 2 Different Tears: Price - $11.19 to $24.17

Nobody, Nobodddyyyyy but Choooooo!!!

A little taste of home. One of Korea's most popular musical groups visited Cleveland last season. I'm sure Choo would appreciate having their latest CD in his collection.

You don't need to spend a lot on the guy who just received his military pardon. He'll be happy for anything. Plus the one song is all about him!

Trevor Crowe - A Haircut: Price - What's a haircut cost, like $10 bucks?

Trevor, it's called Supercuts, pay them a visit. Although you have to be at a point by now that they'll charge you double because they may have to cut your hair twice.

Fausto Carmona - A Bucket: Price - $8.99

There is no player that I've seen sweat more than Fausto Carmona. The guy just pours with sweat. I bet he could just stand out in the middle of Snow Days and perspire.

It clearly isn't a problem that antiperspirant can fix, so let's just buy him a bucket.

You can get a nice 10-quart Rubbermaid bucket for fewer than 10 bucks.

After every inning, we'll have a batboy walk up to him with the bucket and he can just wring out his jersey and hat.

Now you're probably asking yourself why does he need a bucket to do this?

I'd like to measure exactly how much Carmona sweats in one season. It's one of those questions in life that just needs answered. Along with how many times Rafael Betancourt touches his hat in a given season.

Chris Perez - Grape Gatorade: Price - $7.29

Does the real Chris Perez like Grape Gatorade? Who cares, it would be a funny gag gift either way.

Paul Phillips - Tribe Merchandise: Price - Free

Phillips is the new guy in the family. What do you buy the new guy who you barely know? One option is generic clothing.

Well how about some authentic Cleveland Indians apparel so he can support his new family? The nice thing is that you are the head honcho around these parts; you could get all that for free!


You can follow Nino on Twitter @TheTribeDaily where he thinks of more gift ideas for Indians players and starts counting the ounces of Fausto Carmona sweat. You can also follow his blog on Facebook.

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