Written by Jonathan Knight

---

With the Indians’ front office and their fans strapped for cash and the team itself not expected to provide much excitement, there’s only thing that can put the fannies in the seats at Progressive Field this summer: an outstanding promotional schedule.

 

Giveaways. Fireworks. Cheap hot dogs. Themed weekends. Teenage vampires. Anything to get people to hand over their hard-earned money to get into Progressive Field – if not to watch baseball, then at least to get something cheap and plastic made by a seven-year-old girl in a  sweatshop in Bangladesh.

 

Understandably, the team put a little more thought into its 2011 promotional schedule. But of course, the budget constraints that led to this desperation in the first place have also reined in several of the Indians’ more ambitious ideas.

 

But true creativity has no financial limits. Thus, the Indians have whipped up what I think promises to be one of the most unforgettable promotional schedules in team history:

 

April 1 vs White Sox: Home Opener/Snow Shovel Day

Celebrate the start of spring with the Tribe with a day of baseball and a durable snow shovel with a steel wear strip and Chief Wahoo logo printed on the scooper. As a sign of appreciation, fans will be asked to help shovel the snow off the warning track and in sections 165 to 174.

 April 6 vs Red Sox: Magnet Schedule Night

All fans will receive a sleek, attractive magnet containing the Indians’ 1988 schedule.

 

April 15 vs Orioles: At Least We’re Not the Cavs Night

To celebrate the Cavs wrapping up their most horrific season, all fans are invited to acknowledge that the Indians won’t annihilate your spirit to that degree. Anyone wearing a Cavaliers jersey to the ballpark will be given enough rhodium tri-eckonal capsules to make the sweet release of death as painless as possible.

 

April 26 vs Royals: Fill the House – and STO’s Programming Schedule

First 500 fans in attendance get their own talk show on SportsTime Ohio.

 

May 10 vs. Devil Rays: Turn Forward the Clock Day

Fans will get to look to the future of baseball by paying 2042 prices for tickets.

 

May 11 vs. Devil Rays: “Wii the People” Night (presented by Shasta)

Young fans are invited to stay after the game, and if somebody can bring a Wii, we’ll set it up and let you play “Call of Duty” on the scoreboard screen. (In all seriousness, how friggin’ sweet would that be?)

 

May 12 vs. Devil Rays: Lunch & 3 Innings

Fans are invited to swing by Progressive Field around noon to watch the Indians grab a sandwich in the dugout, play three innings, then quit.

 

May 13 vs Mariners: Justin Bieber Night

He won’t be here or anything, but just by saying his name we should sell an extra 12,000 tickets.

 

May 20 vs. Reds: Touch Peyton Hillis Night

Browns fullback and Cleveland heartthrob Peyton Hillis will wear an Indians cap to justify this event and fans of all ages are invited to grope him about the torso and biceps. Season ticketholders will be permitted to go beneath the waist.

 

May 22 vs Reds: Kids Fun Day

After the game, we’ll open up the gates and let all kids under 14 leave the ballpark.

 

May 23 vs Red Sox: Dollar Douche Night (presented by Summer’s Eve)

Any fan bringing along a complete dick (and/or anyone wearing any Miami Heat, Pittsburgh Steeler, or New York Yankee paraphernalia) will be given a coupon good for a dollar off your next purchase at any Indians Team Shop.

 

May 24 vs. Red Sox: Drive an Indian to Columbus Night

One lucky fans will be selected to drive an Indians player down to Columbus in the hopes that he’ll break out of his slump and be able to contribute to the team later in the season. Even better, the winner will then get to drive a Clippers player back to Cleveland to start for the Tribe the following night. (Cost of gas not provided).

 

May 25 vs Red Sox: Pick an Abandoned Section Day

Fans can guess which of the 500-level seating sections, usually sealed off like a mausoleum after opening day, will be opened for the afternoon. By guessing correctly (and paying a marginal ticket-transfer fee), you can sit in that section for the rest of the game.

 

June 4 vs Rangers: Ten-Cent Beer Night: The Musical

Commemorating the 37th anniversary of that infamous evening in 1974, the cast of Glee will set one of the most embarrassing moments in civic history to music and re-enact the riotous “Ten-Cent Beer Night” during the game, causing the Indians to once again forfeit to the Rangers.

 

June 6 vs Twins: Big Mac Monday

Any fan bringing the lid of a Big Mac box from any participating Northeast Ohio McDonald’s will promptly be slapped in the face by Michelle Obama.

 

June 17 vs Pirates: Please, Will Somebody Just Beat the Steelers Night

Since the Browns can’t do it, the Indians will get their shot when the Steelers take the field in place of the Pirates in an interleague, inter-sport spectacular. Any Indians pitcher hitting Ben Roethlisberger with a pitch will be presented with a new Ford Fusion.

 

June 19 vs Pirates: Beach Towel Day

Look, we know you don’t want any more damned beach towels, but we got about seven million of these in 1982 and have just got to get rid of them.

 

June 20 vs Rockies: Some Scars Don’t Heal Night

All fans will be given a cocktail of hallucinogenic drugs enabling them to pretend that they’re actually watching the Indians play the Rockies in the 2007 World Series.

 

July 6 vs Yankees: Human Sacrifice Night

One lucky winner from the crowd will be selected to be ritually put to death in a grand Pagan ceremony prior to the first pitch to appease the Yankees in the hope that they will allow Indians employees and their families to live through the summer.

 

July 8 vs. Blue Jays: Drunk Munchies Night (presented by Denny’s)

Heavily intoxicated fans are invited to swing by Progressive Field on the way home after Friday-night parties as the Indians adopt a special start time of 2:05 a.m.

 

July 9 vs Blue Jays: More Fireworks Than You’ll See in Your Backyard, So Back Off Night

Fans can stay after the game to watch a three-and-a-half-minute fireworks spectacular choreographed with a stirring montage of past Progressive television commercials. (Brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. LOL! Yeah, it’s Progressive.)

 

July 10 vs Blue Jays: C’Mon, Just Give Us a Buck Day

You like Grady Sizemore, right? Want to keep him here? Well, that costs money. All fans are invited to toss a buck into the Indians caps circling through the park and we’ll do our best not to have to trade him for prospects nowhere near as attractive as he is.

 

Christmas in July Weekend (vs White Sox)

July 22: Scarf Night 

Wondering why we didn’t give this away in April when you could have actually used it? Ever heard the one about buying cows and free milk?

 

July 23: Black Friday Sale Night (presented by Wal-Mart)

Set your alarms! The Progressive Field gates will open at 4 a.m. so you can take advantage of the best deals of the season.

(What exactly will we be selling, you ask? We’re hoping all those people who are crazy enough to get up that early at Christmas still won’t care what they buy, as long as somebody tells them it’s a preposterously good deal.)

 

July 24: Summer Snow Days

After spending all that money on all that snowmaking equipment and whatnot, did you honestly think we’d go a full nine months without using it? Progressive Field will once again be transformed into a mildly popular winter wonderland, complete with the snow tube slide that obliterates the left-center field. Though with the heat index likely to be in the mid-90s by this time of year, the snow will melt within three minutes and kids under 14 will be invited to plummet down downtown Cleveland’s most exciting waterslide. Adding even more fun to a scenario that truly can’t offer much else, the game will be played throughout, making any fly ball an adventure for all ages.

 

July 25 vs Angels: Paul, the Wounded Goat from Mansfield

Kids and adults alike will be delighted by the debut of the new standard of in-game entertainment. Doing our part to keep jobs inside Ohio, we decided against the San Diego Chicken and brought in Paul, who limps for some reason and will thrill children of all ages by peeing at inopportune times and eating literally anything you put in front of him. We heard he may also be able to bleat the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” – we’ll have to check on that.

 

July 26 vs Angels: Lou Brown Night

In honor of late actor James Gammon, who played gravel-voiced manager Lou Brown in Major League, all fans will be required to work a shift at Tire World in the offseason.

 

July 30 vs Royals: Bobblehead Night (presented by Progressive)

Since we’re not exactly sure which players will still be on the Indians roster at this point in the season and don’t want to get stuck with a warehouse full of Fausto Carmona shit, all fans will receive a bobblehead doll depicting the beloved, quirky Flo from the Progressive commercials.

 

July 31 vs Royals: Don’t At All Be Ashamed of Chief Wahoo Day

Kids of all ages can find out what it feels like to be an actual Native American by painting their faces barn red, popping on a clown nose, and inhaling enough nitrous oxide to stretch your face into a lunatic Jimmy Carter grin. Presented by the American Civil Liberties Union.

 

Aug. 11 vs Tigers: 1971 Indians Tribute

To commemorate its 40th anniversary, the Indians will acknowledge one of the most forgettable teams in club history: the 60-102 ’71 Tribe. Any player from that team still alive and not too humiliated from the experience to show his face in public will be honored prior to the game.

 

Aug. 12 vs Twins: Irreparable Emotional Damage Night

Kids and families are invited to stay after the game and watch from picnic blankets on the outfield grass as Stanley Kubrick’s wildly violent, highly disturbing A Clockwork Orange is shown on the scoreboard screen.

 

Aug. 13 vs Twins: Will Slider Live? Night

All fans under 14 can watch in suspense as Slider fearlessly leaps from a right-field light tower stanchion toward almost certain death in the visitors bullpen.

 

Aug. 14 vs. Twins (depending on the outcome of the Aug. 13 promotion:)

Free Healthcare Day

Fans can sign Slider’s multiple casts, back brace, and catheter bag and wish the big pink monstrosity a speedy recovery. One lucky family will then be selected to receive free healthcare for a year from Progressive Insurance.

 

OR

 

Pick a New Mascot Day

Fans under 14 can suggest and pitch proposals for a new Indians mascot.

Aug. 26 vs Royals: Student ID Night

With the start of the new school year on the horizon, all college-aged students will receive a fake ID.

Sept. 6 vs Tigers: Throwback Night

The Indians look to yesteryear when they wear throwback uniforms from the 2008 season.

 

Fan Appreciation Weekend (vs Twins)

Sept. 23: Dead Weight Night

To thank the fans for their loyal support all season, Travis Hafner will be released.

 

Sept. 24: Save Your Ticket Stub Night

We won’t tear your ticket in half when you enter the ballpark. So if the opposing pitcher throws a no-hitter or something, you can sell it on ebay.

 

Sept. 25: Fine, We Don’t Care, Just Go Ahead and Watch the Browns Day

Since you all seem to love the Browns more than us even though their franchise is in constant disarray and we at least having a winning season now and again, we’ll just televise the Browns’ game on the Progressive Field scoreboard while the Indians game is going on. Is that what you want? Whatever – that’s just fine.

 

I mean, honestly, isn’t all this better than having a pennant contender? New Yorkers pay all that money to get into the new Yankee Stadium and all the Yankees give them is wins.

 

Cheap bastards.