Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Mitch's plans for this weekend are simple: start drinking Friday night and don't stop until your body finally gives up on you Sunday night. Nonetheless, our talented entertainment columnist is here with his usual Friday night edition of The Crystal Ball. Mitch fills us in on the latest group of people suing Sasha Cohen for "Borat", and also previews this weekends releases at the theater, led by "Casino Royale" and "Fast Food Nation". GO BUCKS.

So much for my claims that last week’s releases were any good.  “Borat”, as expected, held on to the top spot.  The unusual thing is that no new release broke the top three.  And if you can’t beat out the horrible “Santa Clause 3”, then you are really in bad shape. 

As far as no-brainer predictions go, it’s pretty certain that “Casino Royale” will be the top movie this weekend, with “Borat” still going strong in second place. 

For me?  Let’s see…Ohio State/Michigan on Saturday (with pre-game festivities/drinking beginning Friday night), and the Browns/Steelers on Sunday.  Looks like I’ll be Bonding on Monday. 
 

News & Rumors:  

~ Add the Romanian village of Glod to the list of dumb asses wanting to sue Sacha Baron Cohen for “Borat”.  Seems the villagers didn’t have a clue they were being filmed to stand in for a crappy little village in Kazakhstan, and aren’t happy with how they were portrayed.  They join the drunken, racist frat boys from South Carolina, the driving instructor, the humor coach, the etiquette teacher, and the Dinner Party guests at being so upset as to sue or contemplate suing.  And for each additional news item that shows up on air or in the papers, Cohen rakes in a few more million dollars of box office receipts.  I’m waiting now for the bear’s relatives to file suit. 

~ Christopher Walker will make a cameo appearance as Ozzy Osbourne in “The Dirt”, a biopic of the band Motley Crue.  This is just too perfect, and requires no other comments. 

~ I really, really hate mentioning Tom Cruise in anything other than ridicule…but…His Whackedness’s first movie as the new head of United Artists sounds promising, “Lion for Lambs”, another multiple storyline film to be directed by Robert Redford (who will also act) and featuring Meryl Streep.  Tommy will play a Congressman Cruise (Democrat – Loon-ville), who interacts with a journalist (Streep), an idealistic professor (Redford), and two soldiers wounded in enemy territory (a psychiatrist’s office?). 

~ So there is a story about Kristanna Loken, T-X in “Terminator 3” confessing to a hot and heavy love affair with “Lost’s” Michelle Rodriquez.  And my reptilian level brain stem goes “woo-hoo!, where are the home movies?!?!”  (If you see me with a black eye next week, you’ll know my wife read this one.) 

~ Macho football star Emmitt Smith; Dancing with the Stars Champion.  Just shoot me now. 

~ O.J. Simpson; Sixth Degree Blackbelt Douchebag.  Just shoot him now. 

~ And in the Jeopardy! Category of “Things I don’t give a shit about that gets way too much press” for $1,000; the answer is “Show one more ‘Special Report’ about it, and I will throw a heavy object through my television.  The correct question is “What is Tom and Katie’s wedding”. 
 

This week’s new releases: 
 

Title: Casino Royale 

Starring: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Judi Dench 

Plot:  The origins of how James Bond became 007. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  Craig might be the Best Bond since Sean Connery.  While I liked Pierce Brosnan, the simple fact is that Bond is better when he’s more of a brooding hunk than a pretty boy with an edge.  Craig goes back to the nastier roots that Sir Sean employed in his portrayals, without getting so morose that he bores you to tears (like the gone-but-not-lamented Timothy Dalton).  Back to Basics with a lot of things in this one…more violence and less cartoonish gadgets (an invisible car?  C’mon!).  I’ll let you know what I think next week. 
 

Title: Happy Feet 

Starring: The voices of Elijah Wood, Robin Williams, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, and Brittney Murphy. 

Plot:  (Imagine the voice from that movie-guy announcer on the trailers and the Geico commercial)…In a world where penguins sing with glorious voices to find their soul mates, one is born without the ability to sing…but he can dance.  The penguin’s name? Kevin Federline…er…Mumble (Wood). 

The BeerBuzz:  Family picture of the week, and one that might rival “Cars” as the highest grossing animated flick of the year.  Great cast, and the addition of Robin Williams to any animated feature is always a plus…it’s only when he’s doing a comedic role in a live action film that he sucks. 
 

Title: Fast Food Nation 

Starring: Greg Kinear, Catalina Sandino Moreno, Wilmer Valderrama  

Plot:  A marketing executive of a large fast food chain travels to a Colorado town housing the packing plant for his company.  His mission?  Discover if cow manure is getting into the burgers.  Yum! 

The BeerBuzz:  There are two movies released this week that are really going to suck.  And it isn’t the two I’ve listed prior to this one.  Not even cameo appearances from Bruce Willis and Avril Lavigne can help out this steaming pile of b.s. (yeah, I know it’s a cheap and easy shot…but I just had to do it). 
 

Title: Let’s Go to Prison 

Starring: No one that will be missed when their careers go down the toilet after this bomb. 

Plot:  A career criminal and a rich snob are brought together in a maximum security prison.  Hilarity, gay sex jokes, and toilet merlot jokes ensue! 

The BeerBuzz:  For those of you that think “Borat” is too high-brow, that “Little Man” isn’t juvenile enough, and that “Jackass 2” doesn’t feature quite enough humiliation and stupidity…this is the movie for you. 
 
 

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, November 21^st  

Ice Age: The Meltdown – Brilliant marketing!  Right after you get done doling out thirty bucks or so to take your kids to see some talking animated animals in a frozen environment, you can turn around on Tuesday and spend another twenty for a video featuring some talking animated animals in a frozen environment.  For the movie itself…the first one was “eh”, and this one is “eh-Lite”. 

You, Me, and Dupree – Owen Wilson’s 356^th movie where he plays a clueless slacker. 

Scoop – Woody Allen was making great movies again with “Match Point”, and this one stars Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson, so it’s got to be good, right?  In the words of Lee Corso, “not so fast, my little friend”.  It could be that Woody is back to making rotten movies…or it could be the Hugh Jackman Curse (see also; X-Men 3, Van Helsing, The Prestige, and if you listen to the rumors…The Fountain). 

An Inconvenient Truth – According to the Democrats, if you don’t watch the movie, the whole planet will die and it will all by YOUR fault!!!  According to the Republicans, if you watch this movie, you are a communist dupe, and you want Osama Bin Laden to murder your beloved aunt!!!  According to Libertarians, if you watch this movie while smoking several joints, you’ll swear Al Gore looks just like that guy who invented the Internet. 
 

Calendar Watch:

Next week: Déjà Vu, Bobby, The Fountain, Deck the Halls (all to be released Wednesday, Nov. 22) 

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers). 

Apocalypto: December 8^th – Mel Gibson’s latest controversial movie filmed entirely in a dead language, this one focusing on the decline and fall of the Mayan Civilization. 

Blood Diamond – December 8^th – Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, and Djimon Hounsou have various reasons to search for a priceless diamond in Sierra Leone. 

Eragon – December 15^th – Swords and Dragon fantasy with Jeremy Irons.  The inner geek in me is looking forward to it.  But then again…lame attempts to rip off Tolkien will totally draw my wrath. 

Rocky Balboa – December 22^nd – I’ll admit it…the trailer makes it look much better than Rocky IV or Rocky V. 

The Good Shepherd – December 22^nd – Robert Di Niro directs Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie and himself in a tale of the early years of the CIA. 

We Are Marshall – December 22^nd – Another uplifting movie with football as the backdrop…this one about the attempts to rebuild the Marshall football program after the tragic 1970 airline crash that killed 75 players, coaches, and staff. 

Dreamgirls – December 25^th – Big budget adaptation of the Broadway musical with Beyonce, Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy. 

The Good German – December 25^th –Oscar contender from Stephen Soderberg starring George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, and Tobey Maguire in post WWII Berlin. 

Children of Men – December 25^th - New release date for the futuristic Clive Owen and Julianna Moore film about a world where women can no longer get pregnant, dooming mankind.  
 

2007 Attempts at Blockbusters (most dates are nothing more than educated guesses at this point). 

Zodiac – Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey, Jr star in the tale of the Bay Area serial killer (January) 

Letters From Iwo Jima – Clint Eastwood’s follow-up to “Flags of Our Fathers”, showing the Battle of Iwo Jima from the perspective of the Japanese. (February) 

Hannibal Rising – Tale of how the young Hannibal Lecture became the cretin we all know and love (February) 

Ghost Rider – Nicholas Cage turns into a motorcycle riding superhero with a flaming skeleton head. (February) 

The Number 23 – Mystery Thriller with Jim Carrey and Virginia Madsen. (February) 

Shooter – Political thriller with Mark Wahlberg as a sniper trying to stop an assassination. (March) 

Reign Over Me – First major fictional piece dealing with the effects of 9/11 on the families, starring Adam Sandler (against type) and Don Cheadle (March) 

300 – Frank Miller adaptation of the Frank Miller graphic novel about 300 Spartans defending Greece from the entire frickin’ Persian Empire.  Filmed in the same style as “Sin City”. (March) 

Grind House – Two one-hour short horror stories, one from Robert Rodriguez, the other from Quentin Tarantino. (April) 

Spider-Man 3 – The webslinger versus Venom and Sandman. (May) 

Shrek the Third – Justin Timberlake as young King Arthur.  Gulp (May) 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World’s End – Captain Jack goes for the hat trick (May) 

Ocean’s Thirteen – Will someone please stick a fork in this franchise? (June) 

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer – No way does this film get completed by this date (June) 

Live Free or Die Hard – John McClane strikes again (probably with his walker) (June) 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – My wife and daughter will be there the first day (July) 

The Bourne Ultimatum – Superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is back and looking for his roots (August) 

Beowulf – Robert Zemeckis gets all medieval on us with a motion capture (like “Polar Express”) adaptation of the epic poem (November)