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Misc Movies/TV Movies Archive The 50 Funniest Movies Of All-Time
Written by Rich Swerbinsky

Rich Swerbinsky
1. Caddyshack (1980)

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

2. Animal House (1978)

But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

3. Old School (2003)

Yeah, that’s it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I’m gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

4. Up In Smoke (1978)

Border Guard: So, how long you’ve been in Mexico?

Pedro: A week. I mean a day.

Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?

Pedro: A weekday.

5. Office Space (1999)

Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can’t see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour. Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work

6. Dumb And Dumber (1994)

Harry Dunne: I can’t believe we drove around all day, and there’s not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

7. Liar, Liar (1997)

Simmons is old. He should’ve been out of the game years ago but he can’t stay home because he hates his wife. You’ve met her at the Christmas parties, she’s the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you’re the biggest brownnose I’ve ever seen. You’ve got your head so far up Mr. Allen’s ass, I can’t tell where you end and he begins. You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn’t get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don’t know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lyme. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUT!

8. Airplane (1980)

Joey, you ever seen a grown man naked?

9. PCU (1994)

President Garcia-Thompson: I heard that just today you and your friends dumped 100 pounds of meat on a peaceful demonstration.

Droz: Oh, come on! That was way more than 100 pounds.

10. Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)

Science Teacher: Are you in my class?

Jeff Spicoli: I am today.

11. Blazing Saddles (1974)

Now I don’t have to tell you good folks what’s been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I’m leaving.

12. Clerks (1994)

I’m stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.

13. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)

Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I’m somebody else?

Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

14. Monty Python And The Holy Grail (1975)

I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

15. Something About Mary (1998)

Ted: So you’re moving down to Miami?

Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.

Ted: With who?

Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.

Ted: Isn’t that the San Francisco treat?

Pat Healy: It *was*. They’re changing their image.

16. Kingpin (1996)

Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.

Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.

Roy: I’m gonna brush my teeth.

17. American Pie (1999)

Dude that chick’s a MILF!

18. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

I film this, I yell cut and then I get the fuck outta here back to my trailer because I got more white girls in there then the first lifeboat of the Titanic and they all want a part in my movie and I got just the part for ’em!

19. Strange Brew (1983)

I was the last one left after the nuclear holocaust, eh. The whole world had been destroyed, like U.S. blew up Russia and Russia blew up U.S. Fortunately, I had been offworld at the time. There wasn’t much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked. So’s I spent most of my time looking for beer.

20. Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery (1997)

Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whores bath? Personally before I’m on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how’s your father!

21. Fletch (1985)
22. Happy Gilmore (1996)
23. Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)
24. Christmas Vacation (1989)
25. Mallrats (1995)
26. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)
27. Slapshot (1977)
28. Jackass The Movie (2002)
29. Revenge Of The Pink Panther (1978)
30. Stripes (1981)
31. History Of The World-Part I (1981)
32. The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)
33. Parenthood (1989)
34. Back To School (1986)
35. The Naked Gun (1988)
36. Beavis And Butthead Do America (1996)
37. Meet The Parents (2000)
38. Me, Myself, And Irene (2000)
39. Half Baked (1998)
40. Planes, Trains, and Autombiles (1987)
41. Baseketball (1998)
42. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
43. A FIsh Called Wanda (1988)
44. Elf (2003)
45. Ghostbusters (1984)
46. Ruthless People (1986)
47. National Lampoons Vacation (1983)
48. Vegas Vacation (1997)
49. School Of Rock (2003)
50. Arthur (1982)

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