Written by Mitch Cyrus

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You think you have crappy mornings? I think any of us would take 20 years worth of the worst ones we can imagine rather than the one Jack is having so far. Man, hours three and four this past Monday night were action packed, ending with a nuclear bomb going off in the middle of LA. Mitch recaps the episodes in only the way he can. Obama? Hillary? Rudy? McCain? Pfffft. MITCH IN '08!

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death. 

You think you have crappy mornings?  I think any of us would take 20 years worth of the worst ones we can imagine rather than the one Jack is having so far. 

Note: This is normally the spot where I ridicule all my bad guesses from the previous week’s “Final Thoughts” section.  Obviously, that’s not going to happen here, but stay tuned…you’ll soon have lots of wrong predictions to poke fun at. 

Recap  

8:00 AM – 9:00 AM 

Good thing CTU intercepted that phone call a few minutes ago proving to them that Fayed was the terrorist, not Assad.  Otherwise PrezPalmerLite would have had one hell of a spit take when Fayed called him with demands for the release of 110 “freedom fighters” locked up at one of the maximum security detention centers.  You know…the ones that are so important that only guards that have passed extensive background checks and polygraph tests could work at them? 

Meanwhile, Jack and Assad are tracking Masheer, Fayed’s lackey, as he starts heading towards an isolated part of Los Angeles (pay attention to that part, it may be important next Monday), which means the Dynamic Duo can no longer safely tail him.  Funny…two hours ago, Morris could get a rogue satellite to do his illegal bidding in about 20 seconds.  Now, with every satellite in the free would at their disposal, CTU can’t get a single one online in less than ten minutes.  How convenient.  Since Jack hasn’t stolen a vehicle in two hours, he was getting a little antsy anyway, so this gives him the excuse to carjack a Jeep Cherokee, rough up the owner and drive like a maniac through some alleys, coming out on the road just in time to T-Bone Masheer.  He gets out of it railing at Masheer just like he was Stan the Dead Redneck.  Assad pulls up from behind to give Masheer some moral support and a ride to wherever it is he’s going.  Masheer is one dumb terrorist. 

Back at Boring Subplot #2, Kumar has taken Scott back to his house at gunpoint, also taking hostage Scott’s parents Jillian and DeadRayWalking.  Good thing Jillian is a nurse, as Kumar had a huge chunk of glass imbedded into his thigh, and he’s not going anywhere.  I love how these coincidences always seem to happen.  Had Kumar been distraught due to not having his taxes done yet, rest assured that Jillian would have been a CPA.  Since Kumar can’t make his delivery to Fayed, he forces DeadRayWalking to do it.  Jillian puts some minor bandaging on his leg and gives him some pain medication so that Kumar can spend the rest of his brief life popping pills like he was Dr. House. 

Speaking of coincidences, we now know the reason why Walid and Sandra were arrested.  So that Walid could go to a detention center and overhear Something Important.  Of course Sandra was immediately released.  Arresting the President’s sister does not look good on a resume.  So let me get this straight:  Sandra deleted the files, and is released.  Walid did nothing, but is detained. In other words, nothing new. 

Assad drops Masheer off, and meets back up with Jack, who is now with Curtis.  And Curtis is not a bit pleased to see Assad.  Jack tries to act as peacemaker between the two of them, but isn’t too successful.  However, they have bigger fish to fry at the moment and get back to the task of tracking Masheer to the storage building unit he’s at…which happens to have a shit load of C-4, and a laptop he needs. 

Here’s something I bet NONE of you saw coming.  Masheer sees the TAC team approaching, opens fire, and when he sees he’s going to be captured he sets off a grenade that blows the hell out of everything.  I’m telling you, that caught me ENTIRELY off guard.  I thought all that C-4 was for getting rid of all the gophers at the local Bushwood Country Club.  I had no idea that it would be exploded in that manner. 

Another thing that shocked me was that Chloe was able to pull a bit of pertinent information off the blown up laptop.  And it seemed to indicate something about a nuclear device. Good thing they don’t have anything to act as a trigger, or anyone who would know how to hook one up. 

That is until DeadRayWalking goes to get the package Kumar needed, being forced to kill the slime ball possessing the package when he tried to extort more money from them.  Lucky for him that a heavy lamp just “happened” to be sitting on that shelf next to all the computer equipment when Slime Ball turned his back. 

So that only leaves them needing one short nuclear bomb expert.  Who just happens to be one of the prisoners being loaded onto a plane…but he wasn’t on the plane, he was hiding in the back of the bus waiting to be freed by Detention Officer Benedict Arnold. 

Here we go again…another same ole-same ole where they race around the next hour and stop the nuclear bomb from going off at the last second. 

9:00 AM – 10:00 AM 

The second hour of this was pretty much an extension of the last hour.  Numair, the bomb expert, has escaped and is making his way towards Fayed, as is the trigger that is now in the possession of DeadRayWalking.  DRW at least does one noble thing, he tries to force Kumar to release Jillian and Scott by threatening not to deliver the package.  Kumar compromises with him and agrees to let Jillian go after DRW admits that it would be more important to release Scott.  Had things worked out a bit differently, that would have been one chilly bed that evening.  Can you spell “cut off”?  I thought you could. 

Jillian is much smarter than her husband, and calls 911, which is routed to CTU and Jack in a matter of minutes.  Amazing how that works.  In any case, Jack, Assad, and Curtis are soon on their way to check it out, because, like always, THEY are the closest tactical team. 

Assad has been promised a complete and total pardon for all his sins by President Clueless, which has caused that burr up Curtis’s ass to move on through the colon.  Jack’s a bit concerned about his actions, and requests some background info from Chloe regarding any history between the two of them. 

At the house, Kumar has been told that the package has been delivered, and there is no more use for Scott, so we get about four minutes of drawn out pleading as the director works our worry-bones by making us all concerned about this boy kid getting killed (forgetting for a minute all the other people about to bite the dust).  Too bad Scotty was too busy peeing his pants to remember that he smuggled a knife into the room.  Seriously, how hard would it have been to stab an in-pain terrorist with more drugs floating through his system than Keith Richards? 

Fortunately, Jack and the crew save the day…except for the one idiot CTU drone who evidently didn’t hear Jack say that it was imperative to take the terrorist alive, and Kumar takes a bullet.  Not to worry, as Scott has the same genetic quirk that Jack has; the ability to remember numbers, names, and addresses even while under extreme duress, and he knows where his dad delivered the package.  Now all they have to do is get there and Save the Day. 

Not so fast, my little friend.  It seems Curtis had a little grudge matter to settle with Assad.  Something minor about Curtis’s entire squadron being captured, tortured, and executed by Assad’s men in Iraq.  Tsk, tsk, some people just can’t let go of the past.  Curtis grabs Assad, puts a gun to his head, and makes his intention known that he’s going to put him down.  Jack draws on him, telling him to release Assad by order of the President.  Curtis refuses, so it looks like Jack will either have to lower his gun and talk him out of it…or else shoot him in the shoulder to disarm him. 

Damn!  I said the shoulder, not through the neck!  Buh-bye, Curtis.  Say hello to Tony, Michelle, Edgar, Mason, Samwise, Ryan Chappelle, Nina, Jamey Ferrell, Paula Schaeffer, and all those other hundreds of CTU employees that never quite got to enjoy that wonderful retirement package they offer. 

Jack staggers away, drops his gun, hurls, and breaks down crying.  Jack crying???  Oh, that is just so wrong!  Those Chinese Bastards!  What did they do to him??  Someone is going to pay.  But that may come later.  For now, Jack calls Buchanan and tells him to tell the President that he’s sorry, but he just can’t do it anymore. 

So Jack isn’t around when the TAC team gets to the warehouse with the suitcase nuke.  Unfortunately, this team is about as stealth as Ted Washington walking on a carpet of bubble wrap, so the gun battle is on.  The good news; the TAC team shoots all the terrorists.  The bad news; they didn’t shoot Numair dead and he gets his hand on the switch. 

Click. 

Boom. 

Jack sees the mushroom cloud going up, gets on the phone to Buchanan, and gets back into the game.  He is one pissed of mofo right now, and somebody’s going to pay.  And it better be quick, as there are four more of these devices in the hands of Fayed. 

Final Thoughts.  I’m still confused a bit regarding the other suitcase nukes.  Fayed had to go through a ton of effort to get the triggering mechanism and the nuke expert to light it off, and they are now both vapor.  So what real threats do the other ones pose? 

Next week…the hunt begins, and I for one am looking forward to some resolution to the question of Graham, the smirking little gnome played by Paul McCrane who was the “mastermind” behind President Logan’s dealings with terrorists last season. 

The body count is not going to be in the 200,000 range as earlier mentioned by Karen Hayes as a worst case scenario, as it went off in an isolated area instead of in a crowded one.  I’m still guessing it’ll be around 50,000…a pretty bold direction for this series to move into.  The biggest single body count prior to this would have been the 250+ people in the plane crash caused by Mandy in the very first episode.  (The nuclear reactor melting down last season might have been in the 200-500 range as well). 

I am also totally stumped right now on what to make of three people; Assad, Tom Lennox , and Walid.  At least one of them will surely turn out to be a baddie, but I’m damned if I could tell you which one for certain. 

Oh, yeah…there was also a lot more of the Milo-Chloe-Morris Boring Subplot #1 melodrama that happened between 9 and 10…I just found it so mundane as to not be worthy of recapping.  Seriously, when Chloe gets that potato face scowl going, I don’t think I’d hit on her after a bottle of Patron, but she’s got all kinds of geeks fighting for her. 
 

Best Scene: The standoff with Curtis.  I kind of figured it was going to end the way it did, but it was still quite an emotional scene.

Jack’s Current Body Count:  3.  Jack is still in a major funk, but I think seeing the nuke going off is about to kick his itchy trigger finger into overdrive.  Interesting side note that 2/3rds of his kills have come from neck wounds. 
 

Who’s the Traitor?:  Same order as yesterday…different comments. 

Current “Favorites” in order of probability: 

1. Nadia.  She’s the new chick, AND she’s at a high level at CTU…not a good combination. 

2. Milo.  Didn’t Chloe also sleep with a traitor last year (yes…that was Spencer). 

3. Morris.  He and Milo form the most mind-numbingly dull pissing contest ever. 

4. Sandra Palmer.  My thoughts are more that she’ll do something damaging out of stupid good intentions, not out of intent to do harm. 

5. Tom Lennox.  Is he a Mike Novick sleaze (OK) or a Walt Cummings sleazy traitor? 
 

Life Expectancy:  Unscientific wild assed guesses on how much longer certain people will still be breathing.  Mostly the same as yesterday. 

Graham – 6 hours.  Given the previews we’ve seen where he whines to Jack “you’re hurting me”, and Jack responds, “trust me…I’m not”, I’d say the former Dr. Romano would rather have another arm cut off by a helicopter than whatever Jack’s going to do to him. 

Assad – 8 hours.  He’s either going to turn on Jack, and then be killed by him, or he’s going to die defending Jack…joining a club that has about 1,000 members. (I did give him two more hours to live) 

Walid – 10 hours.  If Sandra is a mole, he’s toast.  If she isn’t a mole, then he’s still toast as then he’ll be killed by a bad government agent, and his death will further inflame the country. 

Milo or Morris – 12 hours.  The one that is the mole will kill the one that isn’t, leaving Chloe to lust after Jack unencumbered by any former lovers. 

Fayed – 14 hours.  That’s about the usual time frame when the guy you thought was the main baddie buys the farm, only to find out there is someone worse pulling the strings. 

Mike Doyle (Rick Schroder) – 16 hours.  All I know of his character is that he is a CTU agent that hooks up with Jack later in the year.  They never seem to make it through the day.  

President Logan – 22 hours.  He shows back up towards the end, a la David Palmer in Season 4, and either nobly sacrifices himself…or does something else stupid and has his throat ripped out by a rabid Tom Lennox.