Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Boop, boop, boop, boop. It's "24" time again here on the Blurbs as The Mitch Man checks in with his recap of this week's episode. We saw some classic Jack Bauer excessive torture tactics, on his own kin folk even. And then a couple serious plot twists at the end of the show, one of which Mitch has been predicting for a couple weeks, and another that caught him by surprise. And coming this Monday, another two hour episode. Bully for us. The Bauer Death Count is at four, and rising.

Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt... 

One of the problems I have seen with 24 becoming so popular is the influx of bandwagon fans that sometimes just don’t get it.  You know the ones I’m talking about; those whining about how the show has jumped the shark just because the last two episodes haven’t had enough action for them.  Heaven forbid we have anything so boring as plot development or mystery to interrupt non-stop action. 

I truly wish that most of these people would go back to their video games and just STFU. 

I’m sure all of you were just as SHOCKED as I was when it was revealed that Morris was the engineer they were after! (BTW, Aleve works great on treating the pain of rolling your eyes all the way to the back of your skull after typing such a line).  Anyone actually getting surprised by this development is the type that probably watch “The Sixth Sense” two or three times and still never see the twist at the end coming. 

But to make up for that obvious development, I must say that I did NOT see that final twist coming at the end of the show. 

Recap.  

So the thugs are taking Jack and Daddy to a remote construction site (and by remote, I mean seven minutes from the office building they were just at, and five minutes from Chez Graem), where a pit has already been dug to bury the BauerBodies and a cement truck is standing by to complete the Jimmy Hoffa treatment.  But while Jack is still trying to formulate a plan (he used to be so much quicker...Those Chinese Bastards!!!™), Dad turns around and confronts one of his former employees, demanding to be shot while looking him in the eye.  Stupid Thug #1 flinches a bit, giving the 95 year old James Cromwell opportunity to try to wrestle the gun away.  Jack then turns on Stupid Thug #2, managing to grab his gun, and aim and fire it, killing Stupid Thug #1...while the gun is still being fought over with Stupid Thug #2.  Man, that’s some incredible aim Jack has.  The wrestling match ends when Dad pops a cap into Stupid Thug #2, earning the first DAMMIT!!! yell from Jack of this season, as he wanted him alive. 

Note: I read that Kiefer Sutherland pulled a really nasty trick a season or two ago when he learned of a college drinking game that called for shots every time Jack said DAMMIT!!  He altered a line at one frustrating point for Jack, saying DAMMIT!! about eight times in a row.  Who knew that Kiefer has as sick of a sense of humor as I? 

We need to kill a couple of minutes while Jack gets unchained, calls for backup, and drives to his brother’s house, so we get a quick phone call from McCarthy to Fayed telling him about the new trigger guy, sending him an image of him.  CTU intercepts the transmission, but the picture is conveniently corrupted, so Morris gets to work descrambling it.  A bit later, Chloe gets some information that Morris’ kid brother was near Valencia and is suffering from radiation poisoning and is on the way to the hospital.  Gee...I hope he’s OK. 

Five minutes later, Jack and Dad have just rolled onto the scene at Stately Graem Manor.  The SWAT team is about to move in, and Jack makes sure someone has The Interrogation Kit...the same metal briefcase we’ve seen so many times.  What is in such a sinister case?  My guess is that along with the other stuff, they have the Ultimate Torture; box sets of Barbra Streisand CDs and DVDs.  I know...they are outlawed by the Geneva Convention as too cruel to use even on sewer rats, but sometimes you just have to go for the gusto. 

So what kind of charge/battering ram does it take to destroy an $8,000 mahogany door?  Someone obviously knew as it’s quickly blown away, and there are about 50 agents pointing guns at Graem.  While they are setting up the little gnome for his Interview with the Vampire (see episode one for that obscure reference), Jack takes Marilyn aside and questions whether or not she knew of any of his dealings.  She pretty much lets him know she’s hated Graem’s guts for years and knows nothing, so Jack tells her to go with Josh to CTU and he’ll look after her.  “I’ve seen what happens when you try to protect people!” Marilyn snaps.  Ouch...that’s gonna leave a mark. 

It’s Party Time in the Study!  Hey, Big Brother...remember all those times growing up when you used to pick on me?  Payback time, sucka!  Graem is tied up back in the same chair he was in ninety minutes ago.  Wonder if the cushion still reeks from Graem peeing himself when Jack put the baggie over his head?  Jack and the Head Inquisitioner know that he’s lying about something, so they go about putting “People Who Need People” on the CD player and injecting some chemical into his veins that makes him feel like a Browns fan watching the thousandth replay of “The Drive”.  But Graem isn’t breaking yet, and Jack orders a few more CCs into the IV.  Still nothing, so Jack goes really ape-shit, demanding another dose that may cause cardiac arrest, while looking for a DVD player so he can load up “Yentl”.   

That’s it!  Anything but Babs and Mandy Patinkin at the same time!!!...Graem cracks and admits to ordering the assassination of David Palmer, the hits on Tony and Michelle, the framing of Jack for it all, and shooting Bambi’s mother.  Graem claims he did it for the “good of the country” and that he and Jack are alike.  Jack freaks out thinking he’s anything like a short, fat, bald Nazi and threatens to shoot Graem right there.  But right about then Dad sticks his head in the room and gives them that “don’t MAKE me stop this car!” look, which freezes Jack’s blood.  He relents, telling Graem that he’ll take him to CTU, where everyone is always perfectly safe, right Edgar? 

Now we know the reason for the whole Walid/Sandra Palmer Boring Subplot #3...it was so that Walid could reveal his shame for spying on people who where innocent, prompting an indignant Sandra to cry to her brother about the legality of it all.  This seems to be enough to FINALLY get PrezPalmerLite to grow a spinal column, and in a meeting with his Cabinet, he rejects Tom Lennox’s “Spit on the Founding Father’s Grave” proposal for the indefinite suspension of Habeas Corpus and the expansion of the detainment centers.  Participating in the conference call and flying “somewhere” on Air Force Two so that he remains safe, Vice President Cheney...er...Noah Daniels growls at Palmer’s decision and starts making plans to take Wayne out bird hunting with him. 

Back at CTU, Morris has taken off to tend to his “sick brother” RIGHT before the descrambling program is finished and reveals the secret engineer is...wait for it...I know you all can’t see this coming...it’s MORRIS!?!?!  Oh.  My.  God.  I haven’t been this surprised since the Cavaliers used that #1 overall pick to select LeBron James...flabbergasted, I say!  Maybe they can reach him on the phone in time for him to turn around!  Oh.  Shit.  Nevermind.  Morris...meet Rita and McCarthy. 

I guess we’ll be seeing the final credits of tonight’s episode rolling after that big shocking development.  We’ll first just get a minute or so of Dad telling Graem how he’s out of the will, right? 

Huh?  What’s going on?  Graem is bragging about how much pain he was able to take and still not reveal to Jack that he DOES know more about McCarthy and that DaddyDearest is involved in it as well.  Graem says he will take whatever is yet to come, knowing Dad’s connections will soon get him out of jail.  Phillip is so proud of his degenerate son that he gives him the rest of eternity off by injecting the lethal dose of pain meds into his IV.  

And we bid adieu to Graem.  Why is it that I’m sure I was hearing Marvin Gaye music in the background during that last scene?  (Oh, no!  You did NOT just go there, Mitch! screams the little angel on my right shoulder, while the little devil on my left shoulder flips him off and laughs maniacally). 

Final Thoughts.   

Two hours next week.  Things should advance quite a bit, with it all seemingly leading up to Jack needing to disarm a nuke.  Wonder if he succeeds? 

Phillip’s guilt in all of this, and his willingness to take out his favorite son without hesitation changes things quite a bit.  I’m assuming therefore that he knew all about the attempts to kill Jack last season, and signed off on it as well.  Makes me wonder what other evil plans Dad might have up his sleeve.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he’ll try to use Josh as a pawn later on, as the boy seems to care deeply for the old coot.  I think we’ll also find that Phillip and General Gredenko are old buddies. 

Rita is the wild card right now on the whole Morris/McCarthy thing.  I could still see her doing a Miss Teschmacher and being the bimbette who betrays her evil boyfriend by helping out the good guys. 

I swear, the government must have a fleet of SR-71 Blackbirds standing by to transport people back and forth between Washington and Los Angeles.  As predicted, Karen Hayes told Bill Buchanan that she’ “see him in a couple of hours”.  Additionally, we see that next week Assad is in Washington talking to the President, 3 or 4 hours after being seen in L.A. 

Speaking of Assad, Hiko emailed me the other week and let me know that he disagreed with my opinion that Assad was out of the picture entirely, speculating that he’s still has things to do, and that he’s probably still a terrorist and is only playing at advocating peace.  Looks like Hiko may be onto something.  

No time for Milo or Nadia this week.  Nothing regretful about that, but I’m sure we’ll be back to them in an episode or two. 

I still have this bad feeling that they are going to repeat the entire “Vice President taking control with the help of the sniveling Chief of Staff” that they pulled in Season Two with Mike Novick and VP Prescott.  The only difference is that Biscuit and Powers Boothe are much more diabolical, and Wayne is so much more of a wuss.  I’m still hoping they don’t go down this road. 

If they do, this is where I think former President Logan makes his re-appearance.  More than likely he would be an ally to VP Daniels...but they may decide to redeem him and make him an unexpected friend to Wayne.  THAT would suck.  The other possibility for bringing back Logan would be to figure out his connection with Phillip Bauer once dear old Dad goes missing again. 

Best Scene: The whole torture scene between Jack and Graem was excellent.  I know it’s an action show that I like making humorous comments about, but Kiefer really showed his acting ability in that scene...the conflict Jack was going through was exhibited quite clearly from Kiefer.  Especially during the parts where Jack was cradling Graem’s head in support when he was injected with the pain inducing concoction.  All of which made the LACK of conflict and concern from Phillip in the final scene even more creepy.  

Jack’s Current Body Count: 4.  OK...I said last week that I was 99% sure it would go up by at least two by getting the Stupid Thugs.  I didn’t anticipate Phillip getting the other one to keep him quiet. 

Who’s the Traitor?:  Totally missed the boat in never having Phillip Bauer on this list.  So for this week, the only changes I’m putting here are the removal of Morris...who, as predicted, would only be a coerced traitor, and the reappearance of Assad. 

1. Nadia.  Did she even have a line this week? 

2. Reed Pollock.  Didn’t see much of him.  Divorce hearings must have kept him busy. 

3. Vice President Daniels.  Want to bet he’s on the board of directors for Phillip’s company? 

4. Milo.  Who is he again?  Oh yeah, the big nosed dweeb who might have set up Nadia. 

5. Biscuit Lennox. The only person who might have been even better in the role is James Woods.  Too bad he’s too busy with “Shark”. 

6. Assad.  Hiko may be right. 

7.  Karen Hayes.  Total dark horse...but what if Lennox and Reed are actually “decent” people, and Karen really had been doing bad things? 

8.  Marilyn Bauer.  Is it possible that she’s in just as deep as the rest of the non-Jack Bauers? 

Life Expectancy:  Unscientific wild assed guesses on how much longer certain people will still be breathing and the chance they have of living through the day.  17 hours to go. 

McCarthy – 1.5 more hours.  He delivers Morris, and gets a little lead poisoning as his payment.  Chance of living through the day?  0% 

Morris – 2 more hours.  It looks like he at least arms one bomb (assuming he didn’t intentionally rig it incorrectly).  I just don’t see him actually allowing himself to be responsible for thousands of deaths, and I think he’ll find a way to off himself.  Chance of living through the day?  10% (down from 25%) 

Rita – 3 hours.  Assuming she helps out with the whole Morris thing.  If not, she’ll get it the same time as McCarthy.  Chance of living through the day? 15% 

Nadia or Bill Buchanan – 8 more hours.  Still taking the “either/or” pick here.  Either Nadia is the traitor and dies, or else Bill succumbs to the Mason/Chapelle/McGill/Dessler disease that seems to affect CTU heads.  Chance of BOTH living through the day?  33% (no change from last week). 

Fayed – 10 hours.  This may move a bit, as now we have to deal with other villains DaddyDearest and Gredenko.  Chance of living through the day?  0% 

Phillip Bauer – 12 more hours.  I was previously under the opinion that Graem would be the one that still had several secrets, tricks, political favors, and treacheries left to pull.  Guess not.  Chance of living through the day? 5%...although there is a chance he’ll just end up with Jack putting him in chains for his date with the Electric Chair.  You know the day must always end with Jack getting more physically or psychologically scarred for some reason or another. 

Mike Doyle (Rick Schroder) – 13 more hours.  Still know nothing about him.  Chance of living through the day?  50%  

President Logan – 15 more hours.  Probably just wishful thinking on my part.  Chance of living through the day?  75% 

General Gredenko – 16 hours, 40 minutes.  No change from last week.  The biggest bad guy always gets it with 20 minutes to go.  Chance of living through the day?  0% 

Audrey Rains – 16 hours, 50 minutes.  No change either, and absolutely no logic to my choice.  Chance of living through the day?  Who cares? 

Falling off the list: 

Graem – Now taking a Dirt Nap.  Looks like I was a little generous in giving him 4 more hours last week.  But my 1% chance of surviving the day was certainly correct.  Hopefully there is a helicopter in Hell now cutting the little gnome up a little (painful) bit at a time.