The Crystal Ball - March 3 Releases

Written by Mitch Cyrus

Strike up the chorus of Hallelujah, cuz we is DONE with the Crapfest of movies from February. Yes, it was a toilet of a month that was good only for catching up on the Oscar favorites from the previous year…at least at the theaters.

Although in looking at the four movies that will be released nationwide this week…only “16 Blocks” has the look of a sure winner. On the other hand, there doesn’t seem to be a total stinker like “Running Scared” or “The Pink Panther” in the bunch. David Chappelle’s “Block Party”, the sci-fi flick “Ultraviolet” and the tweener girls’ story “Aquamarine” should all do well with their target audiences.

Title: 16 Blocks

Starring: Bruce Willis, Mos Def, David Morse

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Plot: An aging cop (Willis) is assigned to transfer a multiple loser witness with a motor-mouth (Def) 16 blocks from the jail to the courthouse. Of course, this is not as easy as it would seem, or else it would be a very short and boring movie.

The BeerBuzz: Richard Donner has made nothing but dreck as a director since Maverick in 1994. But the pairing of Willis and Def is certainly inspired. Willis at least looks like and older cop this time, as opposed to him looking like a 45 year old playing a 65 year old in “Sin City”. Despite not having a hobbit cannibal in this one, I actually expect this to be a good film.

One other question: Are there only two name actors available on this planet for “sleazy but stylish bad guys?” You seem to always have to have David Morse if he’s to be an American and Sean Bean if he’s British. Go figure.

Title: Block Party

Starring: David Chappelle, Mos Def, Lauryn Hill

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Plot: Mix of David Chappelle’s sketch comedy and stand-up routine, with some musical interludes worked in.

The BeerBuzz: Sketches, standup, and music. Add a couch and a desk, and you have The Tonight Show. So was most of this filmed before Chappelle went all Syd Barrett on us, or after? Chappelle fanatics have been waiting so long for some new material; I doubt it’ll matter either way.

Title: Ultraviolet

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright

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Plot: X-Men meets Resident Evil. In the future, a disease turns some people into superhumans, and those left with ordinary powers are hired by Carmen Policy and Butch Davis…er, I mean…try to eliminate them. Enter messiah type supercharacter Violet (Jovovich).

The BeerBuzz: Director Kurt Wimmer actually wrote the script for Jovovich after seeing her in the Resident Evil movies, so the crowd that flocked to those films will definitely be heading to see this one. So now that we’ve covered what 13 year old boys will do, how about the rest of us? For me, I’ve found Wimmer to be a stylish screen writer, with “The Recruit” and “The Thomas Crown Affairs” being pretty decent popcorn flicks. Hopefully the writing is still good as he does double duty writing/directing in this one.

Title: Aquamarine

Starring: Emma Roberts, JoJo, Sara Paxton (no, I don’t know who they are either).

View Trailer

Plot: A young teenaged girl and her best friend meet up with a mermaid that ends up washed up in their club swimming pool (don’t all pools have direct access to the ocean?). They only have three days to hook her/it up with a pool boy so they can be granted three wishes.

The BeerBuzz: You know what would make this movie really great? They could have made it so that a really big Hollywood star like Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks, or Tom Smothers or someone is in it…and then he discovers a mermaid at the Statue of Liberty! And he’ll have a fat, funny brother, and a goofy scientist with really bushy eyebrows can stalk them! And then….What? Oh. Shit. Nevermind.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, March 7th

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – The biggie of the week, and that’s a good thing as the other releases this week suck. In spite of myself, I’m getting more and more drawn into this series as it goes along. This has been reported to be the best yet. Like the last one, not really meant for the little kiddies anymore.

Jarhead – Back before he became a gay cowboy, Jake Gyllenhaal starred in this boring Gulf War I film. Some good moments and therefore worth a rent, but I expected so much more from director Sam Mendes, the man that gave us “American Beauty”

Just Friends – Fat high school loser drops the pounds, becomes a womanizer, a then gets a chance at his former high school crush. If you liked “The Hot Chick” and “Shallow Hal”…you’ll still probably hate this.

Prime – Uma Thruman and Meryl Streep play a workaholic career woman and her therapist. Things get wild and wacky when Uma meets Oprah…oops, sorry…when Uma meets and falls for a painter that ends up being Meryl’s son. Rent this for your wife and her friends and then they can watch it while you and your pals pop in a porn flick and drink lots of beer.

The Shaggy Dog and The Shaggy DA – Hmmm…I wonder why Disney would be releasing these two films this week?

Posted by Mitch Cyrus Mar 03, 2006 7:00 PM

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The Crystal Ball - March 3 Releases

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