Written by Mitch Cyrus

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“300” just totally destroyed the box office last weekend, setting a record for best opening weekend ever in March, and look for the film that was budgeted at a “modest” $65 million to go over the $100 million domestic mark today. 

You know from my review that I loved the movie, so I’m getting a chuckle now from all the load mouths and uber liberal wimps whining about how much they hate it (funny me talking derisively about liberals given that I’m never going to be confused with a FoxNews reporter).  And what’s with all the reports about how pissed off Iran is about this movie being made?  Who cares?  Frankly, if they didn’t get their assess handed to them so badly by the Spartans back in 480 BC, they wouldn’t have made the movie. 

News & Rumors:  

~ Don Cheadle will be directing and starring in a biography of jazz great Miles Davis.  I’m sure it will be good, as Cheadle is one of the best actors on screen today, but isn’t it just about time for a break in biographies?  Three straight years of Best Actor going to someone impersonating a real life person.  Enough, already. 

~ Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Berry are set to team back up in “Tulia”, a story about an ACLU lawyer who fights to expose a series of corrupt and racially motivated drug convictions in Tulia, Texas in 1999.  Might not be a bad move for both of them, as both of their careers have gone south after their excellent collaboration in “Monster’s Ball”. 

~ I made a comment in my review of “300” that Gerard Butler would soon be getting lots of big time offers.  And I was right; he’s set to star in the remake of the classic Kurt Russell futuristic thriller “Escape from New York”.  No news on whether or not Alex Rodriguez will have a supporting role. 

~ Naomi Watts in a romantic comedy?  Sounds like the one way to get Swerb to go see one.  I know the title will have to be shortened, but it’s from a book called “Kicked, Bitten and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the World’s Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers”, by Amy Sutherland, detailing her year spent with students at the Exotic Animal Training and Management Program at Moorpark College, where alumni go to work at the top zoos or train animals for television and film.  Can I volunteer to be in a gorilla suit and work with Naomi? 

~ Maggie Gyllenhaal will be replacing Katie Holmes as Rachael Dawes in the next Batman movie.  And the world cheers. 
 

This week’s new releases: 

A crappy thriller, a crappy horror movie, and a crappy comedy all add up to three movies that combined won’t make as much this weekend as “300”. 

Premonition 

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Julian McMahon, Amber Valletta 

Plot: When her husband reappears the day after he died in a car crash, a woman tries to understand the strange time shifts going on about her in order to prevent the crash from happening.  

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  Piss-poor ripoff of “Memento”, “Groundhog Day” and “Déjà Vu”.  You would think Bullock would shy away from any more time shifting movies after the awful “The Lake House” last year, but I guess not.  Hey!  I have a premonition!  This movie is going to suck!

 
I Think I Love My Wife

Starring: Chris Rock, Kerry Washington, Gina Torres

Plot:  A man married to a die hard career woman has his morals tested when he meets a free spirit.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz:  Chris Rock attempting to do a semi-straight role AND adapt a funky French comedy-drama?  Sounds like a dog to me.  Here’s a little clue for you, Chris.  If you put the words “I think” before the words “I love my wife”, she is going to kick your ass and you will  be cut off for at least six months.

 
Dead Silence 

Starring: Unknown actors and creepy ventriloquist dolls...plus Donnie Wahlberg, still cursing the genetic gods for making his brother so good looking AND making him lose his hair. 

Plot: Standard horror movie...no plot description really needed. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  Not even horror fans will want to see this one.

 
New DVD Releases on Tuesday, March 20^th

Another week of having a couple of decent releases. 

Rocky Balboa – A pleasant surprise, this movie had a lot of the look and feel of the original Rocky from 1976, and makes a good closing chapter to a character that had gotten more and more ludicrous as time went on.  However, there is no way you can watch the final fight scene now without thinking of Sly’s “little” problem with getting arrested for having Human Growth Hormone while in Australia.  Nope...Sly didn’t get those pecs on his 60 year old body by just slapping beef. 

Blood Diamond – Entertaining, but uneven movie about conflict diamonds and the atrocities and war in Sierra Leone.  Worth the watch for two exceptional performances from Leonardo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou in roles that gained both of them well deserved Oscar nominations. 

Eragon – OK, so they aren’t ALL good releases.  Horrid attempt to capture the “Lord of the Rings” crowd with this crapfest about a young man learning that he is a dragon rider who is meant to overthrow the wicked king (John Malkovic...slumming).  Don’t waste your money. 

Everyone’s Hero – Although 2006 was an incredible year for animated films, not all of them succeeded.  Case in point; this bomb about a boy trying to get Babe Ruth’s talking bat back to him before the big game.  Yech. 

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning – Let’s add some cuss words and more cleavage shots to a crappy TV movie and try to sell it to stupid people everywhere! 

Bonus!!!  Several classic films are being remastered and re-released this week.  You can’t lose with any of these films. 

The Caine Mutiny.

The Bridge on the River Kwai.

The Guns of Navarone.

Lawrence of Arabia. 
 

Calendar Watch:

Next week - Shooter, Reign Over Me, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Pride, The Hills Have Eyes II 

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers). 

Rescue Dawn – March 30^th – Christian Bale as a pilot shot down in Laos in the early years of the Vietnam War, and his efforts to escape captivity. 

Blades of Glory – March 30^th – Remember when I said I liked Will Farrell in “Talladega Nights”?  Don’t expect the same warm reaction to this sophomoric effort. 

Grind House – April 6^th - Two one-hour short horror stories, one from Robert Rodriguez, the other from Quentin Tarantino.  I may abhor slasher films, but this one looks too good to miss. 

Perfect Stranger – April 13^th – Hopefully Halle Berry is off the schneid with this thriller about a reporter investigating the death of a friend that through the internet got involved with a powerful married man (Bruce Willis) 

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie for Theaters – April 13^th – The Adult Swim cartoon featuring a floating drink, container of fries, and a meatball hits the big screen.  Why? 

Fracture – April 20^th – Anthony Hopkins back in Hannibal Lecter Full Creepy Mode as a man toying with a young D.A. (Ryan Gosling) after he is freed on a technicality for attempting to kill his wife. 

Spider-Man 3 – May 4^th - The webslinger versus Venom, Sandman, and Harry Osborne picking up his father’s GoblinGear. 

Lucky You – May 4^th – Long delayed film centered around the World Series of Poker with Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore.  Unlucky them...they’re opening the same weekend as Spider-Man 

Shrek the Third – May 18^th – Shrek & Donkey…together again.  This time with the jolly green Scottish ogre trying to push off the king’s crown onto a young Arthur. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World’s End – May 25^th - Captain Jack goes for the hat trick. 

Ocean’s Thirteen – June 8^th – Ellen Barkin replaces Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones in this edition.  Talk about a “Brian Giles for Ricardo Rincon” level trade.  Al Pacino in a role sure to induce his characteristic overacting won’t help either.  Will someone please stick a fork in this franchise?  

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer – June 15^th – This time the quartet go up against the Silver Surfer and the return of Dr. Doom.  Please be better than the first one! (the trailer does look awesome). 

Evan Almighty – June 22^nd – Steve Carell’s Evan Baxter from “Bruce Almighty” is now a Congressman chosen by God (Morgan Freeman) to receive His powers.  A reported budget of over $200 million on this will either make it this year’s “DaVinci Code” (big budget, big box office) or this year’s “Poseidon”. 

Live Free or Die Hard – June 29^th - John McClane strikes again (probably with his walker). 

Transformers – July 6^th – Michael Bay (hack, spit) tries to spin a former children’s cartoon into an “Independence Day” type Armageddon movie.  As much as I hate to admit it…the teaser trailer looks good. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13^th – These movies keep getting darker and better as they go.  Voldemort (aka “relative of Art Modell”) is back and targeting Harry and his friends for some nasty payback. 

1408 – July 13^th – John Cusack as a famed debunker of paranormal activities encountering real terror in this adaptation of a Steven King tale.  Saw the trailer the other day, and it nearly scared the crap out of me. 

The Simpsons Movie – July 27^th - ummmm…beeeerrrrrr  

The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3^rd - Superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is back and looking for his roots. 

Underdog – August 3^rd – Combination of animation and live action.  Let’s hope it’s more “George of the Jungle” than “Scooby-Doo”. 

The Invasion – August 17^th – Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig in a sci-fi flick about an alien epidemic.  

The Kingdom – September 28^th – Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, and Jennifer Garner in a story about an American team sent into the Middle East to investigate a terrorist attack on Americans in Riyadh.  

3:12 to Yuma – October 5^th – Russell Crowe and Christian Bale in a remake of a classic Western with Bale as a farmer volunteering to escort a criminal (Crowe) to Yuma by train, with a battle of wits ensuing. 

The Golden Age – October 5^th – Cate Blanchett and Clive Owen in a follow up of the award winning “Elizabeth”. 

American Gangster – November 2^nd – Denzel Washington as a heroin kingpin from the Vietnam War era (he smuggled it back in the body bags of dead soldiers) and Russell Crowe as the investigator on his trail. 

Lions for Lambs – November 9^th – Robert Redford directs himself, Tom Cruise (yeck) and Meryl Streep in this political thriller. 

Beowulf – November 16^th - Robert Zemeckis gets all medieval on us with a motion capture (like “Polar Express”) adaptation of the epic poem. 

His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass – December 7^th – Major, major push from the studios for this big budget fantasy...designed to be the first of a franchise.  Nicole Kidman and Paul Bettany star.