Written by Mitch Cyrus

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I seriously doubt that a single soul on this website right now took in "24" this week, as it ran up against Ohio State-Florida on Monday night. If you didn't tape/Tivo/DVR it, here's your chance to get caught up. Or, if you're like me, and did Tivo it ... but fell asleep 20 minutes in after a twelve hour work day and four Dortmunders ... Mitch has got our backs too.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice....

For those of you that were a bit busy on Monday night watching The Greg Oden Show (aka, “Let’s have the rest of the team pick tonight to start shooting like Larry Hughes!”), hopefully you were like me and caught “24” on Tivo.

Or not.  Because quite frankly, with the exception of the last fifteen minutes, you didn’t miss a damn thing.

Recap.  

We start tonight with a civics lesson regarding the 25^th Amendment.  Which is sort of like getting a chemistry lesson from Keith Richards.  And speaking of chemistry, Wayne decides that he wants to “meet Daniels standing up” and orders his doctor to give him a shot of adrenaline.  The doc warns that there could be consequences, but Wayne doesn’t care.  And the Foreshadowing Fairy flutters over and sets up residence on Wayne’s unused wheel chair.

I have seen more riveting political debates for 3^rd Ward Councilman of Guilford County.  Wayne states that since he’s THERE, he’s still the President.  Daniels counters that they should use the “vagueness of the 25^th Amendment” to replace a sitting President just because he’s a pussy.  Remember my comments last week about the US coming off as a Banana Republic?  Scrap that, as that’s an insult to Banana Republics everywhere since the Executive Branch has continually shown itself to have the stability of Anna Nicole Smith in a pharmacy lab throughout the various seasons of “24”.

While the Cabinet is taking a ten minute recess to consult their Tom Clancy Manifestoes, we jump over to CTU for some character development of the still ethically hazy Mike Doyle.  He first offers a lame apology to Nadia about having to profile her, but she totally bitchslaps him by saying “so you’re not a racist, just a sadist.”  Heh.  Doyle shrugs it off and tells Nadia that she needs him to snoop on Milo’s workstation, because he thinks it was negligence on Milo’s part that led to the hacking of CTU.  She agrees because she thinks Doyle will have him arrested if she doesn’t.

And go figure; Milo did screw up, forgetting some kind of new security mumbletalk or something.  In any case, Doyle uses the information...to quickly erase the evidence of Milo’s wrong doing, and doctor the logs.  Aaahhhh!!! What a Nice Guy!  Then we get more riveting analysis into the Inner Doyle by having him quote the Koran to Nadia, and then he reveals that he’s read all kinds of books on all faiths, but He Still Hasn’t Found What He’s Looking For (yep, admit it, you also now have that U2 song running through your head).  Someone page John Travolta and Tom Cruise; I think they have a potential convert.

Back to the Coup Vote, and it’s a 7 – 7 tie.  So according to the Attorney General, that means that Wayne is still the President, as it take a Majority to remove him, and we all know 50% is not a majority (except in Florida and Ohio).  Fine...we’re done with that crap.

But wait!  More Stupid Lawyer Tricks from Daniels.  He’s contesting the fact that Karen Hayes’ vote for Palmer was valid, since she had resigned earlier, and therefore wasn’t really a Cabinet member, so the vote should be 7 – 6 in his favor.  The BS detector in the room goes off, but the AG states that the Supreme Court would need to decide if Karen’s vote was legitimate or not.

Great...just what we need.  More political grandstanding and less Jack.

Fortunately, it seems the writers got tired of it as well, and it quickly resolves itself due to Lennox and some really stupid people.  Knowing their case was weak since Daniels had allowed Karen to sit in Cabinet meetings while Wayne was in his coma, the Ice Princess Lisa tells Daniels that she’ll perjure herself and tell the Supreme Court that she heard Daniels say that he had accepted Karen’s resignation...and Daniels is definitely down with that.

And the sound clarity was amazing through that tiny hidden microphone into Lennox’s tiny micro-cassette recorder.  So it’s Blackmail Time as Biscuit has the VP’s Chief of Staff admitting to a felony and the idiotic VP agreeing to obstruct justice...and the only thing that will stop Biscuit from releasing the tape would be the withdrawal of Daniels’ claim; something the grouchy VP quickly agrees to.

So now that we have that boredom out of the way, let’s FINALLY remember, at the 45^th minute of the show, that the star is Jack.  Our hero has Gredenko tied up to a chair, and we all know that means Jack’s about to party like it’s 1399.  Gredenko knows it as well, so he strikes up a deal for immunity that Jack admits later he has no intention of honoring.

Gredenko gets the call from Fayed, who wants to meet him at the Santa Monica Pier...and damn the bad luck, it’s too far away from CTU for Doyle’s TAC team to get there in time, so Jack’s going to have to take the small team that’s with him already to the meet.  I wonder how that’ll work out?

Time for a twenty second greasing of the skids for a major plot change, as Fayed briefly argues with a flunky named Halil about where to detonate the bombs.  Halil wants to forget about Gredenko and light off both of the remaining bombs right there, while Fayed still wants the bigger damage offered by blowing them up using Gredenko’s information about the nuclear plant.  I have no idea if Halil was ever even shown before, but I get the feeling we’ll be seeing more of him.

At the pier, Gredenko gets a tracking isotope inserted into his arm (connected to the bone...damn, that’s gotta hurt).  Lacking the proper sized TAC team, Jack is forced to let Gredenko wander about all by his lonesome, so of course he’s quickly meeting up with Fayed, where he reveals the wire he’s carrying, and offering a way out for all of them.

But what is he going to do about that pesky isotope?  Apparently nothing, as Jack sees that he’s not moving, so he bursts into the room to find...no one.  Just an axe...and some Bud Light.  Oh, yeah, and Gredenko’s left forearm.

Now I’m no doctor, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night, and they showed a movie there where someone getting an arm hacked off was portrayed as horrific physical trauma, and it things weren’t taken care of immediately, the victim would bleed to death in a matter of minutes.  But maybe all the vodka makes Gredenko a much tougher hombre, as he’s showing less pain than you’d see from an average baseball player who’s just taken a 75 mph curve ball to the ass.

Jack is hot on their trail after dispensing with a couple of cannon fodder henchmen, so Fayed and Gredenko do what any Muslim terrorist and one armed Russian would do, they duck into a redneck bar.  I have no idea why, and evidently neither does Gredenko...except perhaps thinking that he can create a great diversion by outing Fayed right there to all the pissed off patrons.  Fayed shoots one of them, but then is out of bullets and out of luck as the patrons make a piñata out of him and beat the crap out of him.  They only stop when Jack fires off his gun, and he orders medical attention for the victim and Fayed...better add head trauma to Fayed’s condition as Jack takes a size 11 boot to his jaw.

Gredenko, meanwhile, wanders aimlessly at the shore line until he drops...either from shock or from death.  We may or may not find out about his fate in the next few weeks (see also Logan, Charles).

OK...cool ending to a bad show...let’s get ready for next week.

Wait!  One last little twist.  Wayne has ordered another adrenaline shot (I shouldn’t have stumbled upon “Young Frankenstein” the other week...all I kept thinking was “Give him a sed-a-give!!”).  Now that he’s properly amped up, Wayne gives the order to go ahead and nuke ‘em.  After all, what’s a million or so lives in comparison of having to respond when your VP questions your manhood?  Dr. Strangelove has nothing on this group.

Final Thoughts.   

Assuming many people may not have had a chance to see this episode yet, I’m for once NOT going to talk about the previews for next week, as they totally ruined the suspense ending...a habit they employ way too often for my taste.

OK...I lied...I’ll talk about one part of the previews; the one where Jack gets shot in the chest, and Doyle is all concerned.  I hope Jack’s alright...I mean, what are the odds that he put on a bullet proof vest before going into a situation with numerous terrorists armed with automatic weapons?

And finally, a pat on the back to myself for successfully calling the shot where Tom Lennox would find a way to step up and derail Daniel’s power grab.  I rule.

Best Scene: 10 rednecks tap dancing all over Fayed’s body.  It doesn’t get any better than that.

Jack Bauer Death Count:  17.  Jack is back at killing Islamic extremists this week, taking out two of Fayed’s henchmen.  Guess he was running out of Russians. 

Who’s the Traitor?:  I’ll keep this up for awhile as a sort of a placeholder, but it’s still looking at this point that there is no surprise traitors, other than the Blue Man Conspiracy Group (including the incarcerated Reed and Carson).

The 24 Milk Carton.  Have you seen these people?  No changes from last week, except that it’s another episode where they totally ignored them.  I was tempted to add Chloe and Morris to the list, as they had about two spoken lines the entire episode.

Ex President Logan.  Last seen flat lining in an ambulance after being used as a pin cushion by his wacky ex-wife.

Martha Logan.  Was she re-arrested after getting Mrs. Subarov’s help, or given a medal?  You think Aaron Pierce will now be sleeping with one eye open after seeing what she can do?

Phillip Bauer.  It would be impossible for that tall of an elderly gentleman to stay completely hidden from the US Government.  What?  You say Osama bin Laden is 6’5”?  Nevermind.

The Blue Man Conspiracy Group.  Have they completely forgotten that a cabal of mysterious former associates of Graem Bauer snuck someone into the White House Bunker and tried to kill the president?

Marilyn Bauer.  Last seen screwing up Jack’s head even more than it already was.

Josh Bauer.  Hopefully spending time with a therapist after seeing his criminal dad killed and his grandfather taking him hostage.

Walid.  Who?  Oh, yeah, the other guy whose hospital bed Sandra Palmer gets to stand over and fret.

Audrey Raines.  Or at least her name, as it was brought up two weeks ago, and not uttered a single time again this week. 
 

Life Expectancy:  Unscientific wild assed guesses on how much longer certain people will still be breathing and the chance they have of living through the day.  8 hours to go. 

Fayed – 1 more hour.  Now that he’s been captured, they can’t possibly let him live.  Chance of living through the day?  0% 

Wayne Palmer – 2 more hours.  Could be that once the issue with the nuclear cruise missile is resolved, Wayne codes out again.  I doubt he’ll die, but he may go back into his coma, hopefully turning the focus of the last seven hours of the show back to Jack.  Chance of living through the day? 75%

Morris – 4 more hours.  Is he even alive now? 

Milo – 4 more hours.  Milo must die before he bores someone to death.  Chance of living through the day?  90%  

Phillip Bauer – 4 more hours.  That is if he doesn’t stay forever on the milk carton.  Chance of living through the day? 50%.   

CTU Agent Johnson – 5 more hours.  Got to be some twist in here at some point regarding “The Denver Incident”.  Chance of living through the day? 10%

Halil – 7 more hours.  Now taking up Fayed’s leadership position and role as Last Scumbag Killed.  Chance of living through the day? 0%

Mike Doyle – 7 more hours.  I’m leaving him on the list, but I think they’re still setting him up to be the main partner of Jack for some time to come.  Chance of living through the day?  80%   
 

Off the List

Gredenko – Soon to be auditioning for a role in the Broadway version of “The Fugitive”.  He’ll be on the Milk Carton next week, more than likely.

Tom Lennox – Since Daniels didn’t kill him right there regarding the recording, he’s now safe.