Written by Mitch Cyrus

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What would be more appropriate on Easter Weekend than the biggest new movie being a disgustingly highly entertaining slasher/horror/comedy/action/adventure double-feature from two of the most twisted directors in Hollywood? OK...pretty much anything, but that

What would be more appropriate on Easter Weekend than the biggest new movie being a disgustingly highly entertaining slasher/horror/comedy/action/adventure double-feature from two of the most twisted directors in Hollywood?

OK...pretty much anything, but that's what you've got this week.

But this weekend is about much more than chemically ambiguous Yellow Peeps, Chocolate Bunnies, and "Grindhouse". Sunday will be a Red Letter Day as well for television fans as we get the return of both "The Sopranos" and "Entourage" on HBO Sunday night, to say nothing about the final round of the Masters.

Just like last year, I'll be recapping "The Sopranos" each week, keeping up with the weekly whackings and twists from America's most violently dysfunctional family (using both connotations of "family"). Look for the recaps each Tuesday for the show's final nine episodes.

To get you caught back up on where they left off, go to my recap of last season's finale.

News & Rumors:

~ A new script is being put together for the long delayed sequel to the "X-Files" movie. Both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are on board. I'm just wondering if it's been so long since the TV series and the last movie (1998), that the audience might not be there for this film.

~ Interesting last minute decision. Scarlett Johansson's new movie "The Nanny Diaries" was supposed to be released this month, but has just been pushed back until the awards season (late fall). In this comedy, Scarlett plays a young college student working as a nanny for a very rich couple (Laura Linney and Paul Giamatti...excellent casting) while trying to juggle studies and a romance with Chris Evans.

~ Looks like this next movie won't be the end of Captain Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp is interested in doing another in the series after "At the World's End" makes about a bazzilion dollars this year. But when asked about it, Orlando Bloom said that he hadn't heard anything from the producers, so he's assuming that he won't be in it. And let's face facts...the movie would be much better without the annoying Will Turner.

~ John Goodman and Susan Sarandon are set to be Speed Racer's parents in the upcoming movie that has been trashed by me since I first reported it. This news only adds more fuel to the fire.

~ That Keith Richards...what a sense of humor. "Just kidding about snorting Dad's ashes!"

This week's new releases:

There's only one new movie at the multiplex worthy of any attention at all this week

Grindhouse

Starring: Kurt Russell, Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez

Plot: Two movies clocking in at about 75 minutes each; "Planet Terror" from Robert Rodriguez concerns a one legged stripper and her main man fighting off zombies, whereas Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof" is about a homicidal maniac killing women with his car.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: THE cult hit of the year will be this tribute to the tacky, exploitative grindhouse pictures of the 70s and 80s. Rodriguez's "Planet Terror" is reported to be the weaker of the two, although seeing Rose McGowan blow away zombies with her machine gun prosthetic leg looks pretty damn awesome. In "Death Proof", Russell pretty much takes his Snake Pleskin character and turns him into a total psycho. Lots of blood, lots of sex, lots of gore, and lots of tributes to cheesy movies from the past. I'll be there. By the way, the two features are linked together using fake movie trailers for other trashy movies (like "Werewolf Women of the SS"), that are reported to being almost better than the feature films.


The Reaping

Starring: Hilary Swank, David Morrissey, Stephen Rea

Plot:  A former Christian missionary who now debunks religious phenomena goes to a small town that appears to be suffering from the 10 biblical plagues.

The BeerBuzz:  Halle Berry had "Catwoman", Charlize Theron had "Aeon Flux", and now two time Oscar winner Hilary Swank has this...a complete mess horror picture that is so bad it is actually laugh out loud funny in some places.

Are We Done Yet?

Starring: Ice Cube and a bunch of obnoxious kids

Plot: The cast from "Are We There Yet" moves out of the city and into a fixer-upper in the suburbs.

The BeerBuzz: "Are We There Yet" meets "The Money Pit"...minus the humor of the latter. Not for anyone over the age of 10.


Firehouse Dog.

Starring: Bruce Greenwood, and more obnoxious kids.

Plot: Rexxx, Hollywood's top canine star, gets lost and is adopted into a shabby firehouse. He teams up with a kid to get the station back up to respectability.

The BeerBuzz: Cute dog, cute kid, and a super-cute storyline retold for the billionth time. I. May. Vomit. Another movie that should not be viewed by anyone over 8. Parents; if you have to go to this with your kids, take your iPod with you to find something else to do.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, April 10^th

Damn...all these great movies that have been released over the last several weeks...and now we get bupkiss this week

Bobby - Emilio Estevez's labor of love that stars pretty much 90% of all the Hollywood actors holding SAG cards. Didn't help at all, as this look at the people surrounding Bobby Kennedy on the day of his assassination at the Ambassador Hotel is too self indulgent, bloated, and ham handedly directed. Other than that...it's OK.

Sleeping Dogs Lie - Right out of the WTF? Department is this idiotic movie penned and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait about a couple whose relationship is jeopardized after the woman reveals a youthful sexual indiscretion with...well, just guess. The movie made about 96 cents at the box office, and shouldn't make much more on DVD.

Major League: Wild Thing Edition - A re-release of the classic, with a few more features thrown in. Juuusssstttt a bit outside.

Calendar Watch:

Next week - Perfect Stranger, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie for Theaters, Disturbia, Pathfinder, Redline, The Hoax

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers).

Fracture - April 20^th - Anthony Hopkins back in Hannibal Lecter Full Creepy Mode as a man toying with a young D.A. (Ryan Gosling) after he is freed on a technicality for attempting to kill his wife.

Next - April 27^th - Nic Cage in a sci-fi flick about a man with the ability to see into the future and therefore change it. Also starring Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel.

Spider-Man 3 - May 4^th - The webslinger versus Venom, Sandman, and Harry Osborne picking up his father's GoblinGear.

Lucky You - May 4^th - Long delayed film centered around the World Series of Poker with Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore. Unlucky them...they're opening the same weekend as Spider-Man.

Shrek the Third - May 18^th - Shrek & Donkey...together again. This time with the jolly green Scottish ogre trying to push off the king's crown onto a young Arthur.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World's End - May 25^th - Captain Jack goes for the hat trick.

Ocean's Thirteen - June 8^th - Ellen Barkin replaces Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones in this edition. Talk about a "Brian Giles for Ricardo Rincon" level trade. Al Pacino in a role sure to induce his characteristic overacting won't help either. Will someone please stick a fork in this franchise?

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer - June 15^th - This time the quartet go up against the Silver Surfer and the return of Dr. Doom. Please be better than the first one! (the trailer does look awesome).

Evan Almighty - June 22^nd - Steve Carell's Evan Baxter from "Bruce Almighty" is now a Congressman chosen by God (Morgan Freeman) to receive His powers. A reported budget of over $200 million on this will either make it this year's "DaVinci Code" (big budget, big box office) or this year's "Poseidon".

Live Free or Die Hard - June 29^th - John McClane strikes again (probably with his walker).

Transformers - July 6^th - Michael Bay (hack, spit) tries to spin a former children's cartoon into an "Independence Day" type Armageddon movie. As much as I hate to admit it...the teaser trailer looks good.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - July 13^th - These movies keep getting darker and better as they go. Voldemort (aka "relative of Art Modell") is back and targeting Harry and his friends for some nasty payback.

1408 - July 13^th - John Cusack as a famed debunker of paranormal activities encountering real terror in this adaptation of a Steven King tale. Saw the trailer the other day, and it nearly scared the crap out of me.

Hairspray - July 20^th - John Travolta in drag. There are some things I really don't need to see.

The Simpsons Movie - July 27^th - ummmm...beeeerrrrrr

The Bourne Ultimatum - August 3^rd - Superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is back and looking for his roots.

Underdog - August 3^rd - Combination of animation and live action. Let's hope it's more "George of the Jungle" than "Scooby-Doo".

The Invasion - August 17^th - Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig in a sci-fi flick about an alien epidemic.

Shoot ‘em Up - September 7^th - Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci protecting a baby from sinister Paul Giamatti. I was so there anyway, and then I found out that in one scene Owen and Bullucci are having sex while in a shoot out. Totally Awesome!

Eastern Promises - September 14^th - Naomi Watts as a London midwife drawn into the Russian Mob, headed by Viggo Mortensen.

The Kingdom - September 28^th - Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, and Jennifer Garner in a story about an American team sent into the Middle East to investigate a terrorist attack on Americans in Riyadh.

3:12 to Yuma - October 5^th - Russell Crowe and Christian Bale in a remake of a classic Western with Bale as a farmer volunteering to escort a criminal (Crowe) to Yuma by train, with a battle of wits ensuing.

The Golden Age - October 5^th - Cate Blanchett and Clive Owen in a follow up of the award winning "Elizabeth".

American Gangster - November 2^nd - Denzel Washington as a heroin kingpin from the Vietnam War era (he smuggled it back in the body bags of dead soldiers) and Russell Crowe as the investigator on his trail.

Lions for Lambs - November 9^th - Robert Redford directs himself, Tom Cruise (yeck) and Meryl Streep in this political thriller.

Beowulf - November 16^th - Robert Zemeckis gets all medieval on us with a motion capture (like "Polar Express") adaptation of the epic poem.

His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass - December 7^th - Major, major push from the studios for this big budget fantasy...designed to be the first of a franchise. Nicole Kidman and Paul Bettany star.