The Crystal Ball - March 10 Releases

Written by Mitch Cyrus

Remember last week when I was getting all giddy about the fact that February was over, and therefore the movies would stop sucking so badly?

I lied.

What a complete load of nothing we have coming out this week. I would sooner watch a week’s worth of interviews with Barry Bonds or Drew Rosenhaus than waste money on any of these stinkers.

My advice for this weekend? Catch up with any of the Oscar nominated films still in theaters, or catch either “Eight Below”, “16 Blocks”, or David Chappelle’s “Block Party” if you must go out. The better bet would be to save yourself the gas, cost, and aggravation and go to Blockbuster and take your pick of “Harry Potter”, “Walk the Line”, “Good Night, and Good Luck”, or “History of Violence”.

And remember, only one week until you can get drunk off your ass on Green Beer and then stagger into the theater to watch “V for Vendetta”!

This week’s snooze-fest of new releases at the theater:

Title: Failure to Launch

Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw (hack, spit)

View Trailer

Plot: Frustrated parents try to get playboy son in his 30s to move out of the house by hiring a good looking girl to convince him it’s time to leave.

The BeerBuzz: This romantic comedy evidently was so crappy that they pulled it back from its planned Valentine’s Day release to this weekend to do some last minute re-works. Next on the WARNING WILL ROBINSON!!! O-Meter is the rumor going around that McConaughey completely hated everything about working with the former Sex in the City star/flake Parker. Sounds like the making of some great chemistry to me (eye roll). Finally, I can’t forget the interview they had a few months ago on the Fox NFL pregame show where they talked about a scene with Terry “can’t spell cat if you spot him the ‘c’ and the ‘a’” Bradshaw and Kathy Bates naked in a bed together.

There is not enough Jagermeister in the world to burn that image out of my skull if I were to see it. In the immortal words of Monty Python and the Holy Grail…”Run away, run away!”

Title: The Hills Have Eyes

Starring: Ted Levine, Kathleen Quinlan, Dan Byrd

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Plot: A vacationing family traveling through the desert is terrorized by some freaks mutated by atomic bomb testing.

The BeerBuzz: A remake of a Wes Craven “classic”. And if you haven’t noticed by now, I’m not exactly the critic you go to when you want a recommendation of a good horror film…to me, the number of ‘good horror films’ is only slightly higher than the number of good things I could think of to say about Art Modell.

That being said, if you’re of the ilk that love these types of gory stories…please seek immediate psychiatric help…er…I mean…this one may be for you, as Wes Craven has given his stamp of approval on some of the additions and upgrades from the original.

Title: The Libertine

Starring: Johnny Depp, Samantha Morton, John Malkovich,

View Trailer

Plot: Biographical film of the life of 17th Century poet John Wilmot, the Earl of Rochester, as he drank and debauched himself into an early grave (you know, there are worse ways to go).

The BeerBuzz: This was one of those films that got a limited release at the end of the year in hopes of gaining some Oscar consideration. Bad idea. It was completely dismissed by the serious critics as garbage, so now the Weinstein Brothers are dumping it here to try to recoup a few bucks. Maybe worth watching if you’re a huge Johnny Depp fan, especially as he said he saw the Earl as “the first punk rocker” and played him as such.

I have serious doubts this film will even crack the Top 10 this week in box office receipts.

Title: The Shaggy Dog

Starring: Tim Allen, Kristin Davis, Craig Kilborn

View Trailer

Plot: A hotshot attorney who doesn’t have the time for his family accidentally gets injected with a serum that turns him into an Old English Sheepdog.

The BeerBuzz: Another remake. I am beside myself with antici…….pation

Might be a great show for the family, however…and credit for some interesting casting with Kilborn, Jane Curtain, Robert Downey Jr, and Danny Glover making appearances. I’ll also admit to getting a chuckle from the scene in the trailer where Allen runs into an old lady with a walker so hard that she flies into a tree. Yes; I am a sick bastard.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, March 14th

Good Night, and Good Luck – Best rental of the week is George Clooney’s look at journalist Edward R. Murrow (David Strathairn) and his effort to bring down Senator Joseph McCarthy. Read the review here.

A History of Violence – This is the one that tops my “must see list” since I’ve obviously already seen GN&GL. Viggo Mortensen, Maria Bello, Ed Harris, and William Hurt head up a great cast in a very suspenseful movie that many felt deserved a nomination for Best Picture.

The Greatest Game Ever Played – Story of an underprivileged caddy that qualified for the US Open in 1913. Another ‘based on true events’ story…which means they’ll totally make shit up whenever they feel like it while sprinkling in a few true facts whenever the mood hits. Might be worth a rent if you’re into golf flicks or sappy family dramas.

The Cutter – CHUCK NORRIS FLICK!!!! After a deadly kidnapping rescue gone wrong, a guilt ridden detective goes out on his own to successfully rescue an aged diamond cutter from the hands of a murderous thief. Not a chance in hell I’d rent it…but given the Chuck Norris internet rage lately…I just couldn’t resist giving it a plug here.

Posted by Mitch Cyrus Mar 09, 2006 7:00 PM

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The Crystal Ball - March 10 Releases

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