Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Movies? This weekend? Pfffft. I think the NFL Draft, Cavs/Wizards game three, and an Indians weekend set against the Orioles would have something to say about that. Ever the warrior ... Mitch still manages to deliver this week's crystal ball despite making the drive from NC to OH for The MOTHER Of All Draft Parties at Panini's this Saturday! See you there ...

Movies?  This weekend?  As my daughter would have said back when she was in “one of THOSE stages”… 

As. 

If. 

By the time this is posted, I will be well on my way to enacting a Brain Cell Little Big Horn due to all the Draft Weekend Festivities.  See you tomorrow at Panini’s. 

News & Rumors:  

~  Remake of So-So movies time.  Alright…I’ll admit that the Steve Martin-Lily Tomlin fantasy comedy “All of Me” was actually pretty good, with the soul of Tomlin’s spoiled heiress inhabiting the body of lawyer Steve Martin, and controlling the right side of his body.  In the new version, Queen Latifah will star and it will shift to politics, as a liberal activist finds her soul inside the body of a conservative.  Maybe it could go into the body of Anne Coulter, as she’s currently lacking a soul anyway. 

~ Michael Douglas will star in “Tragic Indifference” about a landmark liability case against Ford that spotlighted the car maker’s indifference to the flaws of its SUVs.  What Ford really needs to apologize for are those stupid commercials from those “American Idol” twits. 

~ It’s been awhile since Kevin Bacon has been connected to anything other than obscure Indie movies, underwear commercials, and a stupid trivia game, but this HBO movie looks promising.  “Taking Chances” will star Bacon as an officer in the Iraqi War accompanying a body of a fallen soldier back for burial in Wyoming.  Ross Katz, who produced “In the Bedroom” and “Marie Antoinette” will make his directorial debut.  Gotta admit, despite the loss of “Rome”, “Deadwood”, and the eminent departure of “The Sopranos”, HBO keeps cranking out first rate series and movies. 

~ One of the worst movies I remember as a kid was the 1975 piece of crap called “Death Race 2000” with David Carradine and Sylvester Stalone, with the tag line “in the year 2000, hit and run isn’t a crime: it’s the national pastime!”  But despite my indignation, the Roger Corman film became a cult classic.  So you know what that means.  Yep.  Remake.  This time with Jason Statham (“Transporter”) as the star.  Nothing like being totally typecast as a guy behind the wheel, eh, Jason? 

~ An arrest order for Richard Gere has been written by some goat herder “judge” in India for his “obscene” act of kissing an actress on the cheek.  O-tay, then.  Sorry, but if the Irish can’t arrest him for butchering their accent in “The Jackal” (10 times worse than Kevin Costner’s “English” accent in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”), then the Indians just need to get the spork over it. 

~ And finally, I’m on record for trashing the idea of an “Underdog” movie.  However, after seeing this picture, I might have to check it out. 

 

(Courtesy, Walt Disney Studios)

This week’s new releases: 

Who the hell cares?  Sports this weekend…Spider-Man next weekend.

Next 

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jessica Beil, Julianne Moore 

Plot: A man with the ability to see into the future is pressured by the FBI to assist in thwarting a terrorist attack 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  I like the concept…but when they add Nic Cage’s normal over-the-top theatrics to a character who is supposed to be “a Las Vegas magician”…this just sounds like it will be stupid on so many levels. 
 

The Invisible

Starring: Justin Chatwin, Margarita Levieva, Marcia Gay Harden

Plot:  A teenager attacked and left for dead finds himself in a strange sort of limbo, where he must find a way to solve his own murder.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz:  Eh…just because it’s from the same producer of “The Sixth Sense” doesn’t mean it will be anything close to it in terms of quality.  Pretty much a “Ghost” for teens (without the romance).

The Condemned

Starring: Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Nathan Jones

Plot:  A TV producer buys several death row inmates and puts them on a remote island where they can all fight to the death in a live broadcast. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  Another slimy, wretched movie from the Film department of slimy, wretched WWE jerk Vince McMahon.  Nothing like a blatant rip-off of “The Running Man”…without the talent of Ah-nold, Richard Dawson, or Jim Brown.  

Kickin It Old Skool

Starring: The man who is the Epitome of Death At The Box Office: Jamie Kennedy 

Plot: Jamie plays a breakdancer who goes into a coma at age 12, waking up 20 years later, still acting like a 12 year old. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  If you liked Jamie in “Son of the Mask” and “Malibu’s Most Wanted”, then you’ll probably want to camp out to make sure you’re first in line for this.  And you might want to consider moving out of your parents’ basement soon, before you turn 40.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, May 1^st     

Nothing to make you want to cancel your plans to watch hundreds of hours of Draft Day rehashing, or the Cavs’ playoffs.

Dreamgirls – One of the more disappointing movies ever to take in over $100 million.  Jennifer Hudson was great in her Oscar winning role, and even Eddie Murphy stood out (despite him walking out of the Oscars when he didn’t win…heh).  All in all, a very good movie, but as they were shooting for Best Picture, it didn’t quite live up to expectations. 

Alpha Dog – Starring Justin Timberlake…that’s all you need to know.  OK, I’ll give a little more info…it’s a movie based on a true story of a bunch of punks who hold a teenaged brother of another punk as ransom for some drug money…act like they care for him…and then realize that they need to kill him.  Charming. 

Little Children – This goes to the top of my Netflix Queue, as the movie was never released nation wide.  The highlight is said to be Kate Winslet’s Oscar nominated performance as a suburban mother fitting in with a bunch of other bored thirtysomethings as they meet one another at the local playground for their children.   

The Hitcher – Sean Bean acting like the Bad Boromir and not the Noble Boromir by stalking and killing people stupid enough to pick him up.  “But he has Bud Light!” 

Happily N’Ever After – Huge box office bomb of an animated film concerning the taking over of Fairy Land by the bad characters.  Not entertaining for kids…not hip or smart enough for adults. 
 

Calendar Watch: 

Next week - Spider-Man 3, Lucky You 

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers). 

Shrek the Third – May 18^th – Shrek & Donkey…together again.  This time with the jolly green Scottish ogre trying to push off the king’s crown onto a young Arthur. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World’s End – May 25^th - Captain Jack goes for the hat trick. 

Ocean’s Thirteen – June 8^th – Ellen Barkin replaces Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones in this edition.  Talk about a “Brian Giles for Ricardo Rincon” level trade.  Al Pacino in a role sure to induce his characteristic overacting won’t help either.  Will someone please stick a fork in this franchise?  

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer – June 15^th – This time the quartet go up against the Silver Surfer and the return of Dr. Doom.  Please be better than the first one! (the trailer does look awesome). 

Evan Almighty – June 22^nd – Steve Carell’s Evan Baxter from “Bruce Almighty” is now a Congressman chosen by God (Morgan Freeman) to receive His powers.  A reported budget of over $200 million on this will either make it this year’s “DaVinci Code” (big budget, big box office) or this year’s “Poseidon”. 

Live Free or Die Hard – June 29^th - John McClane strikes again (probably with his walker). 

Transformers – July 6^th – Michael Bay (hack, spit) tries to spin a former children’s cartoon into an “Independence Day” type Armageddon movie.  As much as I hate to admit it…the teaser trailer looks good. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13^th – These movies keep getting darker and better as they go.  Voldemort (aka “relative of Art Modell”) is back and targeting Harry and his friends for some nasty payback. 

1408 – July 13^th – John Cusack as a famed debunker of paranormal activities encountering real terror in this adaptation of a Steven King tale.  Saw the trailer the other day, and it nearly scared the crap out of me. 

Hairspray – July 20^th – John Travolta in drag.  There are some things I really don’t need to see. 

The Simpsons Movie – July 27^th - ummmm…beeeerrrrrr  

The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3^rd - Superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is back and looking for his roots. 

Underdog – August 3^rd – Combination of animation and live action.  Let’s hope it’s more “George of the Jungle” than “Scooby-Doo”. 

The Invasion – August 17^th – Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig in a sci-fi flick about an alien epidemic.  

Shoot ‘em Up – September 7^th – Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci protecting a baby from sinister Paul Giamatti.  I was so there anyway, and then I found out that in one scene Owen and Bullucci are having sex while in a shoot out.  Totally Awesome! 

Eastern Promises – September 14^th – Naomi Watts as a London midwife drawn into the Russian Mob, headed by Viggo Mortensen. 

The Kingdom – September 28^th – Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, and Jennifer Garner in a story about an American team sent into the Middle East to investigate a terrorist attack on Americans in Riyadh.  

3:12 to Yuma – October 5^th – Russell Crowe and Christian Bale in a remake of a classic Western with Bale as a farmer volunteering to escort a criminal (Crowe) to Yuma by train, with a battle of wits ensuing. 

The Golden Age – October 5^th – Cate Blanchett and Clive Owen in a follow up of the award winning “Elizabeth”. 

American Gangster – November 2^nd – Denzel Washington as a heroin kingpin from the Vietnam War era (he smuggled it back in the body bags of dead soldiers) and Russell Crowe as the investigator on his trail. 

Lions for Lambs – November 9^th – Robert Redford directs himself, Tom Cruise (yeck) and Meryl Streep in this political thriller. 

Beowulf – November 16^th - Robert Zemeckis gets all medieval on us with a motion capture (like “Polar Express”) adaptation of the epic poem. 

His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass – December 7^th – Major, major push from the studios for this big budget fantasy...designed to be the first of a franchise.  Nicole Kidman and Paul Bettany star.