The Crystal Ball - March 24 Releases

Written by Mitch Cyrus

What a relief to see that I was right about “V for Vendetta” being the top grossing movie of last week.

Given the state of my NCAA bracket (aka: The Place Where Pool Money Goes To Die), I’m shocked that I got even that no-brainer right.

And this week promises more of the same. Up against the Final Four, we have one major flick coming out (“Inside Man”, which I’ll review) and two niche films that should have went straight to video (or better yet, two movies that just shouldn’t have been made).

Title: Inside Man

Starring: Denzell Washington, Clive Owen, Jodie Foster

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Plot: A bank robber (Owen) toys with a police detective (Washington) during a drawn out heist/hostage situation. It is further compounded when a power broker (Foster) insists on a private meeting with the robber.

The BeerBuzz: Spike Lee guns for his first major commercial hit with this thriller, and this one looks like a winner with the cast he’s put together. Some early rumors though that this isn’t exactly a “thinking man’s thriller” and more of a “suspension of disbelief necessary” type popcorn flick. In any case, it has the look of a film worthy to see for those of us starving for some decent entertainment. Let’s just hope Lee avoids Michael Jordan worshiping, Reggie Miller bashing, or anything reminding me of a trashcan through a pizza parlor window level of visual brow beatings.

Title: Stay Alive

Starring: Jon Foster, Samaire Armstrong, Frankie Muniz

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Plot: Stupid teenagers (which is a redundant statement when talking about the characters in a horror film) find a video game to play, not realizing that if they die in the game, they die in real life in the same manner.

The BeerBuzz: If there were any real justice in the world, we could combine this with “Staying Alive”, the shitty-beyond-belief 1983 “sequel” to “Saturday Night Fever” directed by Sylvester Stallone, and Travolta could die from an attack by L. Ron Hubbard’s creatures in “Battlefield Earth” and Stallone could have his heart ripped out and tap danced on by Ivan Drago. Or Travolta gets Scientologically eviscerated by a rabid Swordfish while Stallone chokes to death on a Vietnamese delicacy of steroids enhanced dog called The Rambo…or Stallone’s mom shoots them both! Or…oh, sorry…got a little carried away there.

Anyway…the only way I’d pay any money to see this bomb would be if I knew for certain the little asshole from “Malcolm in the Middle” would bite the big one in a really gross, painful way.

Title: Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

Starring: Larry the Cable Guy (whodathunkit?), and no one else with a shred of talent or self worth.

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Plot: A good ol’ boy health inspector tries to get to the bottom of a series of food poisonings at some snooty restaurants.

The BeerBuzz: Something that makes “The Dukes of Hazard” look like “War and Peace” in comparison. If you go to see this movie…you might be a redneck. And a damn stupid one at that.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, March 27th

King Kong – The advantage with the DVD is that you can skip ahead through the boring as hell first hour to the time Kong appears, at which point this is a really kick ass movie. I use the same tactic when viewing “Titanic”, and skip right to where the boat hits the iceberg (other than the obligatory stop to look at Kate Winslet naked…woo-hoo!).

And when you’re at Blockbuster at 7 PM Saturday night and can’t find it, refer back to my article on Hidden Gems.

Memoirs of a Geisha – Rob Marshall’s attempt at an epic about a poor blue eyed fishing village girl who ended up being the most storied geisha in Japan. Great cinematography and acting which make it a worthwhile film to rent, but not the “important picture” the studio trumped it up to be.

Get Rich or Die Trying – 50 Cent and that big mofo ‘priest’ from “Lost” in a tale about a man trying to give up a life of crime for a career in rap music. Not sure he noticed, but it seems to be less life threatening to be a drug dealer than it is to be a rapper.

Stay – Remember how I just trashed “Stay Alive”? The same thing goes for this Ewan McGregor/Naomi Watts horror/thriller/garbage.

A Sound of Thunder – I might actually have to watch this. Not that I recommend it; far from it. But this time travel movie was trashed by more critics than any other film in recent memory, getting a friggin’ 7 % rating from Rotten Tomatoes…which is near “Battlefield Earth” suckitude. I need something else other than Deuce Bigalow, Travolta bombs, or Gigli to pick on when throwing out shitty movie references, so this might fill the bill.

Posted by Mitch Cyrus Mar 24, 2006 7:00 PM

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The Crystal Ball - March 24 Releases

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