Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Unless you have kids that you want to take to see Ice Age 2, then use this week at the theaters to catch up on movies from the last few weeks that you’ve missed.

I could easily use this entire column to eviscerate Basic Instinct 2…but I’ll try to show some restraint.

Basic Instinct 2

Starring: Sharon Stone, and some British guys who don’t seem to realize how many years it will take for their careers to recover from this.

View Trailer (and if you do, you’ll definitely have no desire to see the movie…yech)

Plot:  Novelist Catherine Tramell and her pet beaver are once again in trouble with the law, this time in London.  Scotland Yard assigns a psychiatrist to evaluate her, but he’s enthralled by her perfect teeth and…well…you know what else.

The BeerBuzz:  WTF is next?  Gigli 2?  This entire concept is so wrong in so many different levels; I’m not sure where to start.  The project has been in the works for years, finally resulting with Stone needing to leave the continent entirely to find people clueless enough to give her total control.  I guess maybe the Brits are that stupid.  After all, they welcomed Madonna into their society.

The most ludicrous part is that after the first Basic Instinct, Stone acted totally offended and shocked! shocked! about the nudity in the film, reportedly slapping the director. “Oh! My! Gawd!  I never thought for a moment that just because I was naked on the set and cameras were rolling that it would end up on the screen!”  Flash forward almost 15 years, and she’s on every news show available bragging about having her plastic enhanced 48 year old body naked in the film.

And the Irony Fairy flutters over and smacks her with a 2 by 4 upside her airhead.

Ice Age: The Meltdown

Starring: the voices of Ray Romano, Denis Leary, and John Leguizamo.

View Trailer

Plot:  The Ice Age is ending, and our three heroes have to save their Happy Valley from being flooded. 

The BeerBuzz:  Animated version of “The Day After Tomorrow”.  So I’m wondering how they portray and/or blame Dick Cheney this time.  If you liked the first one, you’ll probably enjoy this one as well…but I’m anticipating that this will be like “Shrek 2”…just a rehash of the first one that pales in comparison.

Slither

Starring: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rooker

View Trailer

Plot:  Residents of a small town are attacked by alien slugs that turn them into zombies.

The BeerBuzz:  Why in the HELL are we submitted every single stinking week with another stupid assed horror flick?  From the trailer, it looks like they are trying for a “Dawn of the Dead” meets “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” meets “Tremors: the Miniaturized Version”.

I would rather pay good money to see Christuhfuh Moltisanti’s “Saw Meets Godfather 2” cleaver film than be subjected to sitting through this abomination.

ATL

Starring: T.I., Lauren London, Evan Ross Naess

View Trailer

Plot:  Four friends in Atlanta prepare for life after high school.

The BeerBuzz:  I didn’t realize that Atlanta was that prominent in the hip hop scene…but then again, the knowledge of the hip hop scene possessed by this middle aged Caucasian to the Max is roughly equivalent to the quarterback knowledge of Brian Billick.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, April 4th

Brokeback Mountain – Now all of you hung-up men can finally see it for yourself without the accompanying embarrassment…not that there is anything wrong with that.  But be sure to have your wife or girlfriend (just not both) pick it up for you.  Actually, it’s a good movie…in my Top 10 list for 2005, but only the fifth best of the Oscar nominated films in my not-so-humble opinion.  Just make sure you have a case of No-Doze with Red Bull chasers ready to get you through some of the extremely drawn out parts.

I also saw that this movie just won all the awards for movies from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Discrimination (GLAAD).  In other news; water is wet.

The Chronicles of Narnia; the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – The best pick this week for your wide screen plasma TV.  Great effects and a very good story that can be viewed by children while still entertaining adults.  I was going to make some snide joke involving my wife and the words “lion, witch, and wardrobe”…but I’m not quite in the mood to start looking for wife #4 yet.

Bee Season – For reasons unknown to anyone with a brain, Hollywood comes out with TWO movies within twelve months about SPELLING BEES?!?  This is the White One, with Richard Gere and Juliette Binoche, as opposed to the Black One, “Akeela and the Bee”, starring Laurence Fishburne, which comes out next month.  So if you sit up sweating bullets watching ESPN’s coverage of spelling bees, then this is your glory year.  Oh yeah…and you also need to get a life.

9 to 5 (Sexist, Egotistical, Lying, Hypocritical Bigot Edition) – I have no idea why they added the extra parenthetical stuff to the title when re-releasing this 1980 classic.  But I think it’s funny.

New Feature: Calendar Watch …release dates for the theatrical premiers of the Biggies of the year.  Plan accordingly:

Mission Impossible 3: May 5th

Poseidon:  May 12^th

The DaVinci Code: May 19^th

X-Men: The Last Stand:  May 26^th

Click: June 23^rd

Superman Returns: June 30^th

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: July 7^th

Miami Vice: July 29^th

Snakes On a Plane!: August 18^th