The Crystal Ball - April 7th Releases

Written by Mitch Cyrus

There might actually be a little justice in the world, as Basic Instinct 2 all but locked up the 2006 Razzies in all categories, plus the probable title of Bomb Of The Year in racking up a miserable $3 million in ticket sales last week.

Ice Age 2 taking in almost $70 million was quite a shock, however…more than “The Incredibles” (which was a far superior animated flick) did in the same time spot last year.

I chalk most of that up to there being very slim pickings at the theater over the past few weeks, other than “V for Vendetta” and “Inside Man”. The choices get a little better this week, as we have films being released for various audience types…and for ONCE, there are no horror films (finally).

Title: The Benchwarmers

Starring: David Spade, Jon Heder, Rob Schneider

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Plot: To right the wrongs given to them when they were nerdy children, three extremely screwed up losers form a three man baseball squad to play against standard little league teams.

The BeerBuzz: The part played by Mr. Napoleon Dynamite himself (Heder) was supposed to be Chris Farley, but he was too busy killing himself with overeating and drugs. Adam Sandler is pushing this movie and taking on roles as both screenwriter and in a supporting acting role, so I do expect this to be the big box office winner of the week. Could be another “The Waterboy”. Just as long as it isn’t “Joe Dirt” meets “The Bad News Bears”.

On the other hand; don’t be expecting to see this “humiliate the losers” flick to be replacing “Bull Durham” or “The Natural” at the top of my Greatest Baseball Movies list.

Title: Lucky Number Slevin

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Lucy Liu.

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Plot: A case of (possible) mistaken identity lands a man (Hartnett) in the middle of a murder plot between two rival crime lords (Freeman, Ben Kingsley). Complicating matters are the pursuit of a dogged policeman (Stanley Tucci) and a contract killer (Willis).

The BeerBuzz: Super-slick cool crime caper, or Tarantino rip-off rubbish? That is the question. Director Paul McGuigan is Scottish, so my guess is he’s angling for an American version of fellow Scot Guy Ritchie’s excellent “Snatch”. I have high hopes for something at least as enjoyable as “Layer Cake”…but I get the feeling it may have a plot as convoluted and trite as “Ocean’s 12”

Title: Take the Lead

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Alfre Woodard, Ray Liotta, Ron Brown

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Plot: A former professional ballroom dancer volunteers to teach in the NY City public school system. After the obligatory culture clash, hip hop meets tango, and a new dance style emerges

The BeerBuzz: Sign #5 that your career is totally in the toilet: You do a movie about ballroom dancing (see also: Gere, Richard). Seriously, we have seen tons and tons of movies take on this whole routine of a fish out of water teacher with something to prove taking on misunderstood inner city kids. They have conflicts…they don’t like each other…then something happens and they start respecting each other…they learn from each other…and everyone lives happily ever after.

I’ve just saved you the $25.00 for two tickets and popcorn. Feel free to kick a percentage of it up my way.

Title: Phat Girlz

Starring: Mo’Nique, Eric Roberts, Jimmy Jean-Louis

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Plot: A plus sized clothing designer struggles to find love and acceptance…and a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s for a 3 AM binge (yeah…I’m probably gonna do a few laps in purgatory for that one).

The BeerBuzz: Not sure about the rumors that she has to sub-contract a tent maker to help her in her dress designs (ba-da-bump…I’ll be here all week. Try the veal!). OK…so I have probably gotten away with all the fat jokes I can do in one review…so I’ll just leave off in saying you’ll probably get to see this one at Blockbuster in about three weeks.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, April 11th

Fun With Dick and Jane – If you’re the type that likes renting a new movie every week…this is pretty much your only choice this week. Amusing remake with Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni admirably taking on the roles first played by George Segal and Jane Fonda as the upper middle class couple forced into robbery to pay their bills. If our teenager doesn’t get a job soon to take care of his car insurance payments; my wife and I may be starring in Part 3.

The Greatest Game Ever Played – This was originally supposed to be released on March 14th, and was delayed. Hence you get a repeat of what I said then. This shows how hard up I am to fill space this week.

Story of an underprivileged caddy that qualified for the US Open in 1913. Another ‘based on true events’ story…which means they’ll totally make stuff up whenever they feel like it while sprinkling in a few true facts whenever the mood hits. Might be worth a rent if you’re into golf flicks or sappy family dramas.

Wolf Creek, The Dark, and Mortuary – Three horror flicks. For you die hard fans, you can pick all three up, buy a couple of gallons of Boone’s Farm ‘wine’, call up a few imaginary friends, and have a wonderful weekend. For me; I’d sooner watch an all weekend recap of the Cleveland Indians from 1970-1993.

Calendar Watch:

Next week: Scary Movie 4, The Wild

The Summer Biggies:

Mission Impossible 3: May 5th

Poseidon: May 12th

The DaVinci Code: May 19th

X-Men: The Last Stand: May 26th

Click: June 23rd

Superman Returns: June 30th

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: July 7th

Miami Vice: July 29th

Snakes On a Plane!: August 18th

Posted by Mitch Cyrus Apr 06, 2006 7:00 PM

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The Crystal Ball - April 7th Releases

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