Written by Mitch Cyrus

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We here at Da Blurbs love The Sopranos, and our readers do as well, as Mitch's weekly updates are one of our most popular columns. In addition, several of the major Sopranos fan websites are picking up and linking/running them as well. Just two episodes remain in this season, and per usual, Mitch is here to tell you what happened and what's coming next. Which plot lines will be completed, and which will be left dangling for next January's eight episode run? Mitch is here to tell you. As much as I’ve complained this year about too much focus on peripheral characters, I’ve always had one saving grace in that regard…”at least we haven’t had to deal with Janice much this season”.

Dammit!...to quote the great Jack Bauer.

Recap:  Break out the cheese, because we start right off with Janice and her compulsory whine-fest, pushing Livia III’s stroller into Tony’s office at the Pork Store to complain about Tony’s lack of respect towards her and her mentally challenged husband Bobby.  Seems she wants Tony to make Bobby into a Captain, and thinks that the only reason he hasn’t done it so far is out of spite for her.  From looking at Tony, he’s feeling the same way I am, and after about two minutes, all he’s hearing is the same “wah, wah, wah wah” you get from adults on Charlie Brown cartoons.  He does give a sympathetic look toward his niece.  Can’t say as I blame him.  Right now it’s a major toss-up on who is the “better” mother; Janice or Brittany Spears.

Speaking of Bobby, he’s still on a mission to get listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the least amount of brain wattage controlling the highest amount of poundage.  He’s too busy during the day watching his model choo-choos run around in circles, so he hits a sports bookie on the wrong side of town late at night for a collection, and then gets the crap beat out of him and robbed by a bunch of teenagers.  “You don’t know who you’re messin’ with!”  Uh…yes they do…a fat, stupid guy who now has one functioning eye after Wild Bill Tupac accidentally discharges his gun towards the street, causing a chuck of asphalt ricochet and hit Bobby in the eye.  Tony’s total lack of sympathy towards him, both at the office and while watching a Giants game at their house was quite amusing.

Meanwhile, in Pleasantville, New Hampshire, Vito and Jim have set up domestic bliss…with the possible exception of Vito going down to the library to doodle and sneak swigs of vodka during the time that Jim thinks he’s working on his book.  Jim catches him in his lies, and they have some sort of “lovers quarrel” that I found exceptionally tedious when they did it on “Six Feet Under”, and it’s not much better here.  And I almost had to go to the laundry room and get a big assed bottle of Clorox to try to bleach out the image of Vito and Jim spooning later on…again invoking an involuntary impulse to channel Sam Kinnison.  This isn’t gay bashing here...as those types of scenes showing a caring relationship between two men did work on the superlative “Six Feet Under”…but that’s because it was always a central part of the story, dealing with one of the lead characters.  I also didn’t complain about the episode where Vito first went to New Hampshire (how could I?  It gave me some of my best comedy lines)…but I really think Chase has now beat this dead horse 100 times too much, and has sacrificed hours of screen time that I’d rather have had devoted to Melfi, AJ, Chris, Silvio, or even Junior.

End of Rant. 

Vito finally sees the harsh reality that I first learned in the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college; working 40 hour weeks for a living really sucks.  Evidently there aren’t many jobs in New Hampshire that pay you a couple of grand per week for you to just sit on your fat ass at a construction site, so Vito has to take a job as the World’s Most Inept Handyman.  Enough is finally enough, and one morning Jim wakes up to an empty closet (heh) and a missing Caddy in the driveway as ‘Vincent’ bids farewell to the Land of Lavender and heads back towards his Homeland of Sludge, swilling another fifth of vodka on the way…only stopping after he plows into a vehicle parked stupidly on a back road next to a mailbox.  Good news!  The guy saved a shitload of money on his insurance by switching to Geico!  Bad news!  The policy doesn’t cover lead poisoning as Vito puts a cap into the back of his head once he insists on calling to cops rather than take Vito’s offer of $600 to fix the bumper on his P.O.S.  And let this be a lesson: getting rear-ended is never a good thing.  (D’oh!  Sorry…couldn’t resist, and if you haven’t noticed, no line is too cheap for me).

With only two episodes left this year, I think we might have seen the last of Johnny Sack.  Rather than face trial and risk 20 years in prison and financial ruin, Johnny’s making a deal in which he’d plead guilty in exchange for a 15 year sentence and the chance to hold onto some money for the comfort of his beloved Ginny (and keeping that woman in bon-bons alone must be the equivalent of a small nation’s GDP).  Consequently, he contacts Tony to help him liquidate a silent partnership he had in a heavy equipment leasing company in Louisiana to give him some hidden cash in reserve (while keeping it quiet from Phil).  Tony agrees, but then changes the terms of the agreement, taking less in his “finder’s fee” in exchange for Johnny selling the Jersey house to Janice for half its value.

Tony is having major women problems this week.  He reveals to Melfi that Janice is actually right about him punishing Bobby, and that he still has a lot of pent up hostility towards Janice due to her behavior to him when they were growing up, especially when Janice made a tape recording of Tony and used it as extortion to get things from him…a definite ‘no-no’ in a mob household.  He’s also still pissed that Janice took off at a young age, leaving little brother Tony to deal with Mommy Weirdest.

For all the skill Tony showed a few weeks ago in dealing with AJ…he totally fumbled it this week with Meadow.  She’s wanting some comfort and advice about what’s going on with the ever distant Finn…and the best Tee can come up with is some mutterings about “talk to your mother” and some snide remarks about “living in sin” that send Meadow crying up to her room.  The entire exercise in Misogynistic Parenting further clinches it in Tony’s mind that Carmela needs to become a full time housewife again.  He earlier confessed to Melfi that he was upset with all the distractions and time away her spec house was causing, so he cancels Sil’s planned visit to lean on the building inspector, instead telling Carm that the guy wouldn’t budge, and she just needs to sell it and be happy with the 30% gain.  Carmela’s face obtains a 30% gain in wrinkles and she looks as if she’s about to set those titanium tipped fake talons right onto Tony’s face as she blasts him for “giving up so easily”.  Hi there, boys and girls.  Can you spell “cut off”?  I thought you could.

So in the end, we have the epitome of “no good deed goes unpunished”, as Tony has to uncomfortably deal with Janice’s uncontrollably awkward sobs of appreciation for the house, just as the news breaks of Johnny Sack’s deal.  The boys are just a little bitsy-bit pissed that Johnny broke the Rule and actually admitted to being part of The Mob, causing Phil to pop a hair follicle as he wishes death in prison to Johnny and declares that the “favored nations shit with Jersey” is over.  Simultaneous with this, Vito slowly drives by the Pork Store, but doesn’t stop.

Oh by the way, Christufuh gets his Maserati confiscated by the feds since it was still titled to Johnny Sack, and Chris has to eat the $25K cash he paid for it.  Bummer.  Gonna be tough for him to score more blow driving that Ford Focus around town.

And Paulie has cancer…but he’s keeping his hair.

Yes, that was a total a non-sequitur by me…but then again, the way Chase just popped that little tidbit into the show was a non-sequitur as well.  Who has time for any of that shit when there are scenes about gay spooning, obscure chef meltdowns or celebrity swag bags to film?

Best Scene:  I may be in a minority, but I’ve really found the Melfi sessions to be very good this year, and the one tonight was no exception.  Tony’s dropping his defenses a lot more this year than he ever has before, and we’re seeing more and more of his inner workings and inner demons.

Most Humorous Scene:  Tony trying to deal with Meadow.  That may not rank that high with the rest of you, but having a daughter in her early 20s…I can so much identify with Tony’s frustration in listening to his little girl bitch about her love life.  La-la-la-la-la…I can’t hear you!

Latest Whacking Odds:

1) Vito (odds – 1:2) – OK, I am officially sick of this story line, and disgusted by the fact that Vito has gotten more screen time this year than Chris, Paulie, or Sil.  Enough.  He’s GOT to go this week.

2) Phil (odds – even) – With Johnny now out of the picture, let the rumble begin.

3)  Uncle JuniorMummyHead (odds – 4:1) – Another dangling plot line device that will more than likely remain dangling.

4)  Benny Fazio: (odds – 8:1) – If not Vito next week…I’m still thinking Benny is the sacrificial lamb in the NY/NJ war.

5) Bobby: (odds – 15:1) – Hard to shoot with no depth perception.

6) Finn (odds – 20:1) – It’s not nice to figuratively spit on a Mafia Princess 

7) Johnny Sack (odds – 25:1) – This may not come as anything other than an aside in the last eight episodes next year, but I get the feeling someone puts a shank in a man considered a traitor.

8) Artie (odds – 50:1) – Maybe Vito can rear-end him next week as well.