Written by Mitch Cyrus

---

Season #7 of "24" is now off and running, and Jack Bauer is up to his usual tricks despite a disappointing "Bauer Body Count" of just 1 through the first five hours of the show. If past is prologue, we know its only a matter of time before that number starts rising. We've had a lot of really positive comments and emails about Mitch's recaps of the popular FOX prime time show, and he checks in with his latest for us here at The Cleveland Fan. Vin Diesel can be rearranged to say "I end lives." Jack Bauer can be rearranged to say "Jack Bauer," which means the same thing.

So we are now into our regular schedule of 9 PM on Monday nights.  Which makes things a lot easier on me...and it's all about me, isn't it?  ("HAH!" snorts a certain blonde from across the living room).

I am still not over the whole concept to the CIP device that can magically control everything in the country.  Besides, Bill Gates proved that you don't need hardware to control the world...just software.

And really good, really vicious lawyers.

I'm not even sure what "CIP" stands for.  Best I can come up with is Clearly Idiotic Premise.

I must give credit to Jennifer and Stu over on the boards for correcting a mistake in my previous column.  There have actually been EIGHT serving presidents during the course of "24", as I had forgotten about the fact that Charles Logan had been removed from office, which meant Hal Gardner took over.  There was also a lively debate on the numerous times we've had "acting presidents" in the show...but I used to sleep during Civics classes in school...so I did the same there as well (but it was still well put...or so I was told).

Recap

Moss is soooo disappointed with Renee about her torturing of Tanner, so he tells her to come back for the spanking that naughty girl so richly deserves.  She tells him no.  I get the feeling that when they are back at his place and behind closed doors...she's the one at the handle end of the whip.

Jack, Tony and the boys are trying to break into PM Dikembe Matobo's Safe Room (thanks to Tony Lastoria for that reference).  Dikembe's wife realizes that she will be tortured by Col. Debaucle until Dikembe gives up the information on his contacts inside SomeGala.  That's got to be a tough one...watching your wife getting tortured.  Unless you are doing it yourself, something that happens every time she gets in my car and has to listen to my U2 CDs (at least she claims she's being tortured...she later gets her revenge when I get in her car and have to listen to her 80s hairband crap).

Emerson is about to execute an innocent security guard right in front of an idle Jack when the guy's cell phone rings, and Emerson realizes that the FBI knows they are there, and therefore he knows Tanner blabbed.  The phone rings right when Emerson got down to "one".  How Convenient!^TM

Jack and Tony realize that they can't get close to Col. Debaucle unless they have Dikembe, so they have to do something.  Jack therefore goes all MacGyver on us, and concocts a deadly gas from some Listerine, Mr. Clean, Folger's Coffee, a couple of Tic-Tacs and some unflushed toilet water.

Can we talk about the design of a "Safe Room" that allows someone to easily cut into the air supply?  I'm thinking it was the same guy who designed that Mars orbiter back in 1999.  Dikembe makes some noble speech about their cause being worth enough that they both should be willing to die...and then his wife caves in and opens the door.  Because when facing the options of dying right there in a semi-humane manner by poison gas, or being tortured to death in a Saw XIV manner in front of your husband, I'm sure most rational people would choose the latter.

Our boys are inches away from a clean getaway when Agent Walker shows up.  While she's talking to Moss, the disposable thug in Emerson's crew gets the drop on her.  Jack stops Emerson from killing her, and loads her into a completely inconspicuous bright yellow van that could possibly have F-18s land on it.  Emerson calls his contact in the Jon Voight Conspiracy Group (as opposed to season six's Blue Man Conspiracy Group led by Philip Bauer), asking him to quiz the FBI mole about how much Walker may know.

Evidently, the First Old Man has been staring at that phone Soon-To-Be-Dead Samantha gave him for 30 minutes now, while Secret Service Agent Brian chats on the phone with "someone in the private sector who could help out".  Hmmmm.  And after their conversation, is there anyone watching that doesn't realize that Brian is another in a long line of Secret Service traitors that have been portrayed on screen over the years?  (For the two of you who may still be doubting this, I got a steaming cup of "I told you so" waiting for you in about four paragraphs).

At the White House, President Taylor's brain evidently did go into full, feminine I WANT IT NOW!!!! Mode, and she decides that she just can't wait another day or so until the Clearly Idiot Premise-36 Exploding Country Module can be rendered useless by replacing it with something..I don't know...a little more secure?   No...she must INVADE NOW!!!  Sort of like it is when my wife sees that new dress she's been wanting, and it doesn't matter that a sale might be coming this weekend...it must be bought immediately (and if you are reading this, honey...I hope you realize that I'm joking.  And that it's way too cold to be sleeping in the garage tonight.  Again.  Please?  HaHa?).  I was just waiting for President Taylor to say "Bring It On!" 

We have a new geek on the team of potential traitors, although right at the moment, it looks like the only thing being betrayed were Sean the Snake's wedding vows as it seems he and Erica the Skank got it on the night before.  So is everyone on this FBI team boning someone else on the FBI team?  Last week I mentioned that it seemed likely to me that Agent Moss and Agent Walker were involved.  Based upon his semi-weepy plea to Janis to do everything to find her, I'd say that Likely has just turned into Obviously.  Good Lord, with all of this quasi incestuous behavior, you'd think you just stepped into a group of Steelers fans.

Emerson gets the call from the JVCG, telling him that Renee needs to be killed.  And male hearts (and other body parts) droop to think of the rest of the season without our favorite ass-kicking babe.  By the way, for a couple of people that were speculating that Renee was the FBI mole...that theory pretty much bit the dust there.

Agent Brian takes FOM to "his friend's" place...which quickly is revealed to be S-T-B-D Samantha's apartment, as Brian confirms as he's putting on latex gloves to do his dirty work.  Brian gets the thumb drive after drugging the world's first and stupidest FOM, and he works with another dirty Secret Service Agent to set it up to look like FOM killed STBDS and then killed himself (OK, I think I might have just broken my own record for over-use of cutesy acronyms, so maybe I'll just STFU with them.  Or not.  Stay tuned).

We have another prototypical 24 plot device!  Once again, there is some bumbling bureaucrat of an agent who seems to think that an investigation of an imminent terrorist attack must take a backseat to their piddly-assed investigation into something...well...piddly.  I'd say that this bit is totally ridiculous...but given the normal examples of bureaucracy we see every day from government agencies...it may well be that this is the most realistic part of the entire program.  This time, it's someone from the Attorney General's office who thinks it's more important to question an agent about the possible civil rights violations of a scum bucket than for her to work on stopping a terrorist from killing American citizens.  Yep...that is pretty much real life on that account.

The USS HulkingYellowTruck pulls off to some isolated area of Washington DC (one with big California mountains in the background that simply do not exist on the East Coast...oops), in order to bump off the future mother of my children.  Emerson gives Jack the gun to do the deed, and Jack intentionally stops Renee right where Emerson can see him getting all threatening to her.  He puts her on her knees (don't go there, my inner voice tells me, and for once I'll listen), and tells her to trust him, and then fires, but only grazing her neck (to say nothing of bursting her right eardrum), and she drops in perfect synchronization, making it appear that she'd been shot in the back of the head (with the exception that no one saw her brains exploding out of the other side of her skull.  Details, details).  Emerson tells Jack and Tony to bury her...but since she's covered very loosely with plastic, I somehow don't think she's in danger of croaking yet.

Cool sound of her taking a muffled breath right before we go to The Clock.  Which is silent...sort of like it was at the end of the first season with Teri's death.  Hmmmm.

Final Thoughts

I was just noticing that the credits say "with Janeane Garafalo and Carlos Bernard".  That seems to indicate to me that won't make it through the season.  From early feedback I'm reading on the boards, I don't think anyone's going to be lamenting the demise of Ms. Garafalo.

We pretty much know that Renee is still alive...but I'll give them credit for once by not officially ruining it by showing her in the scenes for next week (a bad habit they've often fallen into in the past).  No way do they have Jack go through all the effort to save her, only to have her suffocate.  I should give credit again for at least not repeating themselves, as we know Jack will kill someone that doesn't deserve it if he has no other choice; as we saw with Ryan Chappelle.

So where was Chloe and Bill this week?  I'd much rather see them than more of this stupid side-story regarding the First Old Man.

From the scenes from next week, it looks like Col. Debaucle does start killing people using the CIP-32 Exploding Country Module.  Can't be a season of "24" without lots of innocent civilians being killed, can it?

Bauer Body Count:  Still at one.  In the words of Vince Lombardi, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???"

Who Is The Mole?  Agent Brian goes off the list, as he's now been revealed as a mole.

Chief of Staff Warden Ethan Norton (odds - 1.5:1).  I almost think the revelation of Agent Brian's skullduggery makes it more likely that the Chief of Staff is behind all of this.

Erica the Skank (odds - 3:1).  Adulterous, sleazy women have never fared well on this show.  Unless they are named Mandy (and where is she, anyway?  I miss that murderous little bisexual sociopath).

Janis Gold (odds - 5:1).  As we've often seen, she'll either be revealed as the mole, or killed by the mole.  I'm good either way...just make it soon.

Agent Moss (odds - 6:1).  His odds go down this week as we are introduced to Erica the Skank as another possibility

Sean the Snake (odds - 8:1).  I still don't trust him.  Or maybe that it's just that I don't like him.

Secretary of State (whose name is STILL totally unimportant right now) (odds - 20:1)  I still need him here just as a second option for the W.H. mole.

Odds of Survival

Emerson (100:1).  The scenes seem to point to him getting offed by Tony next week...but we know how those red herrings can go.

Secret Service Agent Brian (75:1).  He's dog meat.

Col. Debaucle (50:1).  As it's looking now, the pecking order of bad guys to buy it are Emerson, Debaucle, and then finally General FU Jobu.

Tony (12:1).  I didn't catch the "with Carlos Bernard" part of the credits before.  Now that I have, this number goes up.

Samantha (10:1).  She is STILL too stupid to live, but I get the feeling that she and FOM may get out of her apartment alive...although the chances are still there that FOM makes it, but Sam dies along with Brian.

Agent Ross (8:1).  Same as last week.  If he's the mole, it's a near certainty...unless they use him as informant against the Jon Voight Conspiracy Group.  If not, he gets the honor of serving as "24" traditional "Dead Hero".

Bill Buchanan (3:1).  He might be dead already...but who'd know?

Renee Walker (1:1).  I would be sooo pissed.