Written by Mitch Cyrus

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In an email to me this afternoon, Mitch called this week's episode of "24" the best of this season, and it's hard to argue with him. It had something for everyone. And Kidron, Ohio was saved! Mitch grew up near Kidron, and in this week's recap, is still trying to figure out how they put the population at 30,000. And as always, we get Mitch's recap of the episode, his final thoughts, the Bauer Body Count, and his "Who's the Mole" and Odds of Survival features. These recaps have been a huge hit this winter ... thanks Mitch! Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

And we bid adieu to the first segment of our season, as the CIP-36 Exploding Country Module goes the way of George W. Bush, the Arizona Cardinals, and Duke's #1 ranking in college basketball.

I'm really going to miss the Cardinals.

However, this is a little different than normal.  Usually, in getting past the first plot line, a whole new set of villains is introduced.  In this case, we still have Col.  Debaucle, and Gen. FU Jobu to deal with, although we're still waiting for more details on the Jon Voight Conspiracy Group.

Recap

Janis has figured out some way to "anticipate the next possible target" by identifying a "code fragment".  Amateur!  Chloe would have done it 2 hours ago, shut it down, and sent a faxed picture of her Xeroxed ass to Col. Debaucle by now.  But just keep on thinking you're special, Shorty.  Sean the Snake doesn't think Larry's up to running the team.  The sooner Sean is killed in the cross-fire when the baddies overrun their FBI headquarters, the better.  I am assuming, of course, that FBI headquarters will be invaded, since it's serving as the Pseudo CTU, and CTU ALWAYS gets invaded.  Maybe it'll be a Pseudo invasion!  I heard those Pseudonese are pretty tough.

Ethan is trying to reach Agent Brian to find out about the First Old Man, so that perhaps Mr. Scarecrow can talk some sense into President MuleHead.  May I suggest calling Miss Cleo instead, Ethan, as Brian is a bit busy right now decomposing? 

While Jack, Chloe and the gang "take a minute" in the newest CTUMobile to pull up the security specs on the building, the Dikembe Mutobos have entered the Green Room and hear Col. Debaucle talk about the impending disaster about to hit the chemical plant in Kidron, Ohio.  Which is really amusing as the only toxic chemical existing in that area is the methane released by the cows, sheep, and horses.  Unless maybe the Amish are running it, and all that furniture building stuff was just a cover.  (and somewhere, a pimply faced loser living in his mother's basement uses that last sentence as more evidence in their never-ending quest to prove that Everything is a conspiracy).

Now this is more like it.  The Righteous Gang rolls up to the Terrorgate Hotel and Office Complex, and gets to work kicking ass, with Jack, Tony, and Bill taking the roof approach, while Chloe runs the op from the van, and Renee waltzes right past the rent-a-cop through the front door and on up to the roof to let the other good guys in.  Those bad guys are going to get sooooo shot up!  Muwhahahahaha.

Janis figures out where the attack is going to happen, and contacts the plant manager in Kidron, who really can't help at all, as Debaucle has already screwed things up and she's about to BLOW, Captain! (/end bad Mr. Scott impression).  Thanks for nuthin', Toots.  But this scene does have the best line of the night when Janis first calls up the plant, and then we hear her say "Ma'am, as I just stated, I'm with the FBI.  Does that sound VAGUELY important to you?"  Hah!  And I say that on behalf of anyone who has had to deal with an Administrative Assistant from Hell who seems to think that her boss lives in the Vatican wearing a pointy hat, and can't be bothered by mere mortals.

Since President MuleHead still won't delay the attack (and that's the only time I'll bitch about that in this recap...unless I change my mind), it's up to Jack & Co. to do so.  Thank God that every building selected by a terrorist in the United States has about six feet between each floor, allowing Jack and Renee to Capt. Kirk their way to Debaucle's Green Room.

At the Stark/Tuscarawas County You've Got To Be Kidding Me Plant, Janis is trying to assist John Brunner, the plant manager.  I love how he calls Janis "honey" and tells her to lighten up.  He is now my favorite soon-to-be-dead-man.  He goes into the Plant Manager Execution Chamber and Janis talks him through several levels of "Simon Says" until he's pumping enough gas into the chamber to Edgar himself.

Oops...looks like Chloe forgot to disable the security cameras at the Terrorgate Hotel and Office Complex...and for the first time ever, Jack didn't notice them, so Smile! You're on Candid Camera!  Given that information, Debaucle decides to make like Brave Sir Robin, and when danger reared its ugly head, Brave Sir Debaucle bravely turned his tail and fled...

But not before all hell breaks loose!  ‘Bout damn time.  As Bill and Tony kill a few of the front door guards, Jack ignites the C4 just to get everyone's attention, drops to the ground and then drops three other disposable extras (and he's nowhere near done)..  Nichols runs to where the Dikembes are being held, and is about to run off with them when Renee forgets to yell "FBI!  Freeze!" and just shoots him in the back.  Rah!  Have I mentioned anywhere yet in these reviews that I think I love her?

Back at the OK Datacenter, Jack's finally putting the Body Count up to acceptable levels.  All the bad guys are dead EXCEPT Debaucle, who managed to get out of the firefight unharmed.  How Convenient!^TM But the CIP device has been destroyed, and the Kidron Cows haven't been this happy since they opened the Tuscarawas Chic-Fil-A.  Plant Manager John wasn't so lucky, though.  We won't mention the fact that since the CIP device was taken off-line before the tanks would have blown, he pretty much died for nothing.  Uh...sorry?

We have someone off the Milk Carton!  Debaucle still has Head Nerd Michael Latham stored away, who still has one last duty to perform, and that's to serve as confetti for a celebration honoring Jack's return to multiple bad-guy killing championship form!  Latham blowed up real good!  Meanwhile, Debacule slips away clean.  Shocking how that worked out, isn't it?

Now that the threat is over, it's time to distract the President with the stupid story-line about the FOM, who is now MIA.  Or DOA.  Would you believe SOL?  He wakes up, just so he can stagger out of the apartment and be captured by the other Bad Secret Service Agent, named Vossler...and so he'll be the hostage of Debaucle, who is now 30 minutes outside of Washington five minutes after he escaped the T-GH&OC.  I didn't know 24 was channeling "Lost", and time travel is now possible...but whatever works.

At the safe house, we're having a bit of a disagreement about Bill's management style.  As in, no one else but Tony wants to stay hidden.  Jack argues that they have no chance now of finding Debaucle unless they bring in outside help.  Of course, Bill and Tony almost immediately cave to Jack's persuasive voice...no wonder Kiefer makes millions from television and radio ads.

Mutobo calls the White House, and tells President MuleHead that he must speak to her alone.  Allison tells Ethan...well, so much for keeping that quiet.  Tony decides to stay covert for the time being, because he's not really in the mood to go off and celebrate the Closing Ceremonies down at Gitmo.  Which means we probably won't be seeing him again until Hour 20, when he'll make a dramatic rescue.

Debaucle goes back to the apartment that he's used under an assumed name (Sam?  You've got to be kidding me), and then gets nagged by the waitress Marika, who wants to make sure he's still coming over for dinner.  It's Lasagna Night!  It can remind him of all the little pieces of Michael Latham that he created.

Can we please kill her now, so I don't have to listen to her anymore?  Because I get the feeling she's going to be dumb as a box of rocks, and half as interesting.

Final Thoughts

I still got so many chuckles out of the whole Kidron, Ohio bit.  For anyone that's ever driven through Stark County and neighboring Tuscarawas Country on I-77, you know how far into B.F.E. that place is.  At least they weren't so stupid as to try to pronounce "Tuscarawas"...choosing instead to say "they next county over".  That deprived me of having as much fun as when my Southerner wife first saw the sign on I-77 and tried to pronounce it.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to replicate phonetically what she said...but I LMAO.

Let's speculate...President Allison Mule was perfectly willing to let 15,000 Browns fans die...but now that FOM is prisoner, she'll do whatever Debaucle wants.  I'm hoping she handles it the same way John McClane handled Hans Gruber when Hans had a gun to Harry Ellis' head ("Mr. Ellis will not be joining us for the rest of his life").  I wouldn't lay out any money on the prospects of that happening, however.

Tony had a bit of a strange look on his face when he was talking about going back and checking with some of his "Emerson contacts".  I somehow get the feeling he'll be knee deep into something...perhaps even before the Hour 20 re-entrance that I predicted earlier.

Got an update from looking into a few web sites.  Looks like Wild Tim Guarnere isn't just some high level NSA guy, he's the head of Homeland Security.  Which will definitely boost him on the moley, moley, moley list.

RUMOR Department.  So don't take this as gospel, but it has been said that there are three former "24" characters that we'll yet see this season who so far haven't even been mentioned.  Morris O'Brian, Former Secret Service Agent Pearce and Kim Bauer are said to be scheduled to show up at some time or another.  We shall see.

Rumors also have it that we'll have the long anticipated Geek-a-Thon Death Match between Chloe and Janis in two weeks.  Get the popcorn ready.

Bauer Body Count 

8.  Six bad geeks that can't shoot to save themselves (literally) bite the dust.  Then again, how many geeks do you know that are highly skilled in the use of machine guns?  (1.  Chloe).

Who Is The Mole? 

Wild Tim Guarnere (odds - 2:1).  Didn't see much of him.  The fact that President MuleHead made it a point to tell Ethan that Dikembe Mutobo was on his way makes me think that's a red herring, and it'll be someone else.  And we know what that means.

Erica the Skank (odds - 3:1).  She didn't make an appearance tonight.  Which is another reason why this was one of the best shows of the season.

Chief of Staff Warden Ethan Norton (odds - 4:1).  Odds are dropping for him, just because the writers seem to want to point things in his direction.

Janis Gold (odds - 5:1).  No changes in odds for any of the FBI agents this week, as they just weren't on that much, except for Janis emotionally bonding with her honey at the chemical plant.

Agent Moss (odds - 6:1).  Can you really reach to that level of authority as an FBI supervisor by pouting like a teenaged girl all the time?  Apparently so.

Sean the Snake (odds - 10:1).  I take my earlier "no changes for FBI peoples' odds" back, as I think that he's so unlikable that he therefore couldn't be the mole.

Odds of Survival

Col. Debaucle (1,000:1).  Borrowed time.

Marika the Waitress (100:1) Stupid women who fall for bad guys' lame cover stories don't tend to last long here.

Secret Service Agent Vossler (50:1).  If he's not killed during the raid to free FOM, he'll be shot seconds before he reveals who else he was working for other than Debaucle.

Tony (25:1).  Something is up with him.  I will give the writers credit for not coming anywhere close to their usual habit of telegraphing everything as badly as a Derek Anderson pass.

Sean the Snake (10:1).  I'm thinking that Agent Moss is about to do it himself if Sean makes one more "sorry about Renee croaking" comments.

Janis (8:1).  Especially once it's revealed that Chloe is a huge Bill O'Reilly fan.

White House Mole (6:1).  Probably Wild Tim...but I get the feeling his fate will be more in line with Greg Marmalard from "Animal House" (raped in prison...for those of you who've forgotten...and shame on you if you have).

Bill Buchanan (3:1).  His usefulness is just about up.

First Old Man (1:1).  I couldn't get that lucky.