Written by Mitch Cyrus

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We had the first appearances from Miles O'Brian and Aaron Pierce, a couple of old "24" friends. Colonel Debaucle is on the run, and Mitch says he will meet his maker soon. The FBI mole was exposed. But we still have a White House Mole to uncover. And disappointingly, the Bauer Body Count held at 14 this week. But all in all, it was another exciting week of "24". And as he does each Wednesday night, Mitch checks in for his humorous recap of this week's episode. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're soooo freaking dead."

I'm trying to figure out how this will work next year.  As noted in my Crystal Ball last Friday, it's been revealed that Robin Williams is a HUGE fan of "24".  Kiefer decided, therefore, that it would be really cool to have Robin on the show next year...he just has to figure out the right part for him.

Hey...he can recreate his role as President Tom Dodds from that horrible 2006 movie "Man of the Year".

Or else they can borrow a page from "Lost" and do time travel, and Jack goes back to fight Spanish Terrorists with Robin playing Teddy Roosevelt again.

Given how bad the previous presidents have been who were not name David Palmer, it would be hard for Williams to be worse.

Recap

It was 3:59 last week when Jack screamed out "GET AN AMBULANCE!!!"

It's now 4:02, and the ambulance is pulling up.  Someone must have had some of that Grade A Arakis Spice and folded space real good.    Let's see...Vossler got a two inch wide knife blade going about four inches into his abdomen...and died almost immediately with almost no blood.  The First Old Man gets a 9mm bullet tearing all the way through HIS abdomen, and while he's bleeding like a stuck pig, he's still kicking?  Got it.  (more on that in my Final Thoughts)

Jack calls the President.  That couldn't have been a lot of fun.  "We saved him!  For a couple of hours, at least."   And how about this?  President MuleHead finally stops acting totally like a mulehead, and states that now that she's given the invasion order, there is no reason that she shouldn't be at the hospital.  Good for you, Allison!  Ethan objects, partly due to the compromise in the Secret Service (partly because he is Bob Gunton, and must therefore play a sniveling weasel), so Bill Buchanan does the honorable thing and volunteers to drive her to the hospital and assume responsibility for her safety.  And who says chivalry is dead?

One of the conditions Bill sets is the re-instatement of his government clearance, and the ability to bring someone in to "assist" the FBI.  As in "find that damn mole, Chloe!  And while you're at it, bitchslap Janis Gold into next week." 

More props for the President as she goes on a Class 5 Rant at Ethan, telling him that Debaucle is in her gun sites, and "whatever it takes, I want that son-of-a-bitch found!"  RAH!  This is more like it...too bad you weren't this pissed when he crashed two planes together.

Right now, SOB Debaucle is trying to use Marika to help him leave the country...telling her that he's being chased by INS as an illegal alien.  Something tells me he needs a possible hostage.  I'm just hoping he shoots her right now, and we can drop this stupid plot line.  She agrees, and I'm really surprised.  How she can turn her back at that wonderful job at the Greasy Spoon, I have no idea.

Back at the HowConvience! Store, Jack and Renee are doing a Corpse Search for "anything" that will help them out, when Renee gets a call from Larry.  It seems that Empty Suit Larry (as opposed to Leisure Suit) isn't too thrilled about the report he got from Mrs. Traitor concerning Renee's threat to kill the Baby Traitor last week.  Moss keeps giving her hell about her actions, telling her what a bad person she is...while she looks dolefully into the mirror, noticing that she has blood on her hands! (and face...it makes a really good rouge...highlights her green eyes so well).  And the Not-So-Subtle-Imagery Fairy flutters over and hits everyone upside the head with a 2 x 4.

One other thing from this scene.  Renee told Larry that they'd taken out six of Debaucle's men last week.  I only had the count at five, but when Jack's firing so quickly, it's sometimes hard to say.  It may still have been five, because we know the writers don't always have the best continuity in the world, but for the benefit of the Bauer Body Count, I'll make the correction.

And we have a Miles O'Brian sighting!  This is truly going to be magical, as any scene involving conversations from two of the most socially retarded people on the planet is going to be just as good as a Springer Show shot on location in Steelers Bar.  And what a cute kid they have in the back seat!  Can you just imagine the years of therapy in store for that little toddler?  Prescott?  That's the kids name?  Are you kidding me?  Sorry, kid...you're doomed.  Prepare yourself for a childhood full of wedgies and swirlies.

Chloe walks towards the FBI conference room, and catches the Stink Eye from Janis.  In the words of the esteemed Flounder, "Oh, Boy!  This is gonna be GREAT!"

Empty Suit Larry gives Chloe the nickel tour of the totally exposed conference room where she'll be working, explaining that it was the only place she could get what she needed with how the network was set up.  "That was inefficient.  Whoever set your network up didn't know what they were doing".

"I set up the network that way," Larry says, rather sheepishly.  "Oh.  OK," is Chloe's response.  Ah yes...some things you want to always remain constants, like the sunrise, the tides, and Chloe's propensity to say totally insensitive things.  Larry can't leave well enough alone, taking jabs at Jack by saying how remarkable it was that Chloe was able to "survive" while working so closely with him while so many didn't.  "Maybe you should worry less about Jack and more about the MOLE IN YOUR OFFICE", concluded Chloe, with a look that said, "don't eff with me, Wuss".

Erica the Skank comes over to Janis' desk and recognizes Chloe, since she's so visible in the AMC Pacer Memorial Fishbowl Conference Room.  So now the mole, be it Erica, Janis, or Sean the Snake, probably knows that the noose is tightening.

Debaucle meets up with some lower level flunky from the Jon Voight Conspiracy Group, who has his papers and escape route all planned out.  Debaucle smells a rat, and lets JVCG L.L. Flunky know that if he is double-crossed and killed, all the information that Debaucle has on the JVCG will be forwarded to the Justice Department. (Which would then probably bungle the case).  JVCG-L.L. Fl was a Rat, and he calls some JVCG Senior Level Flunky to tell him that they can't risk going through with their plans of pulling a Jack Ruby on Debaucle.

I've never been so happy to see Jack Bauer break down a door as I was when he and Renee smashed into Marika the Stupid's apartment, interrupting all that soap opera trash Stupid was giving Sister Ironside about Samuel, the love of her life.  Right.  It takes Sis about a nanosecond to give up "Samuel" after the StupidSister tried to lie to Jack.  Silly woman.

I should probably be grateful that the next scene is with President Taylor at the hospital to check on her husband, as this recap is getting a bit long, so I need to cut the word count down.  Five hour surgery.  Low chance of success.  I love you and I'm sorry I doubted you.  Blah, blah, blah. (must...keep...gag...reflex...subdued).  Which also means we have five more shows to deal with this.

The only thing of notice to happen in that scene; Allison tells Bill that he needs to arrange to get their daughter to her, who happens to be estranged from her mother ("Mom's the President.  How embarrassing is THAT?").  Odds of the daughter being a hostage target later on?  About the same odds as me being snarky in one of my recaps.   Bill has someone "trustworthy" in mind for the job, and I'll admit to having to stop the DVR for 10 minutes while I went through my possibilities...and totally missed on my guess.

Time to coerce another civilian into mortal danger, as Jack must convince Marika to risk nearly certain death by getting into the car and leading them to him.  Renee still doesn't like it...but she is powerless to resist, as is Marika, who is still The Stupid...but now also The Brave (and soon to be The Dead...especially when Sister Ironside tells Renee that she has to promise to "keep her safe", and Renee says "I will"...bad sign).  Renee is stopped by Jack when she tries to give Marika a panic number to call.  No need at all...as I'm sure nothing could go wrong when they are following Marika...from almost a mile away.  Certainty of death.  Small chance of success?  What are we waiting for?

AARON PIERCE IS IN DA' HOUSE!  And he is "the guy" that Bill told the President he could trust to pick up Olivia, the First Spoiled Princess.  And is she quite the piece of work.  So if she hates her mother so much, why is she working in Washington DC?  Shoot her now, Aaron, and save us all the trouble.

Back at Mole-B-I headquarters, Janis blackmails Sean to give her a secret key that will allow her to snoop on what Chloe's trying to do (which just so happens to be laying in his unlocked drawer.  That's some security they have).  This is not going to end well for her, especially after Chloe realizes that someone hacked into the system.  Janis did overhear what was going on, and suddenly Jack and Renee are surrounded by five police cars.  Larry quickly calls DC Metro to call off the Rodney King Waiting To Happen Beatdown, and he is SHOCKED to learn that the order to arrest and detain Jack came from his own department!  All of this must means that Janis is The Mole!

Yeah...right.  If you've ever seen a full season of "24", you know that there's always a last minute diversion, and here it comes, as our good buddy Sean the Snake is revealed as the mole.

It's now 5 PM!  Everyone DRINK!!!

Final Thoughts

~ I have to give credit where it's due...and at the same time ridicule myself, as I never had Sean the Snake listed any higher than 3^rd on the list of possible FBI suspects, and the lowest odds he ever had was 8:1.  "24" has just so often went down the path of setting one guy up immediately as unlikable, pointing suspicion on him right away, just so they could do a switcheroo at the last minute and have someone else be the mole.  With the Snake, he was scummy from word ‘go', although they did give him a bit of a humanity break by having him care enough to break several laws to get his beloved wife safely onto the ground.  The same wife he was cheating on, it was later revealed.  In any case, good job for once from the writers.

~ The cliché all of Hollywood uses with gut wounds being almost immediately fatal* is just about driving me nuts.  When Vossler was stabbed in the stomach, he died before he finished sliding slowly down the wall he was leaned against.  You do realize that there is no major artery there that would cause a death that quickly, don't you?  Of course you do, as I'm sure 95% of you have enough understanding of basic human anatomy to know that, and to know that a gut wound like that would lead to a lot of blood gushing everywhere, and a slow, agonizingly painful death.  Now that's opposed to FOM, who gets his liver hit, and is hanging in just fine for the moment.

The things I've learned from being addicted to watching CSI and (even better) "Dexter".  And by staying in a Holiday Inn Express.

* The exception being when Martha Logan stabbed Charles with a steak knife, where he was just "gravely injured".

~ Looks like Marika is going to join a new group on "24"...the Life Support Group (accompanying FOM), as it appears as if she's going to get seriously injured in a crash she causes with Debaucle next week.  This will cause Renee to lose it and try to turn away from the Jack Side.  Or else that's just the pretense for a Diane/Sam type spat that ends up with them locking lips.  (OTOH, you do realize that along with not eating or going to the bathroom...no good guy has ever had sex on ‘24'?  A few baddies, like the Ice Princess Slutlisa last year, and of course, Mandy.  I'm not sure I like this idea of equating sex with bad.  Maybe it'll balance out when Jack and Renee end up getting it on and making the Uber-Terrorist-Killing-Baby.  (I have now broken my record for most hyperlinks to IMDB in a single recap.  I can assure you, this record was set without the assistance of performance enhancing drugs...other than Patron).

~ Even though WE now know who the FBI mole is, it will probably be another two hours before Empty Suit Larry and the gang-who-couldn't-wiretap-straight figure it out.  Janis will certainly be the first one who is blamed, while Sean the Snake goes about trying to cover his tracks.  And I guaran-damn-tee you that I'll have some more snide comments about what I think is going to be happening next week, should the previews turn out to be accurate, and not another Red Herring.

Bauer Body Count 

14.  He didn't kill anyone else this week, but it gets adjusted due to my math error last week (or maybe it was another Debaucle Goon that came in AFTER FOM was shot...so it wasn't really shown.  Yeah, That's the Ticket!)

Who Is The Mole? 

FBI Version is solved...but we still have the White House Mole to uncover

Wild Tim Guarnere (odds - 2:1).  This just looks a little too obvious at this point.  So was Sean initially.  Hmmm.

Chief of Staff Warden Ethan Norton  (odds - 6:1).  The whining he did to the President about rushing to the side of her husband has gotten me a bit suspicious.

Vice President WhoTheHellAreYou (odds - 20:1).  He hasn't been shown yet, and I'm not even sure who is playing the VP, but I need another name, and "24" always loves to go to the "Dick Cheney-esque Evil VP well", so we'll see.

Odds of Survival

Col. Debaucle (1,000:1).  Last week I said he'd make it to week 18.  Now?  I'm thinking he bites the dust next week, setting up Sean the Snake's hard-drive dump.

Sean the Snake (50:1).  Had it been one of the girls as the mole, Erica or Janis, I think she would have lived.  But Snake?  Goner.

Marika the Stupid Brave (25:1) If you have two people in the Life Support Club, assume one of them won't make it.  Sorry, girlfriend.

Tony (20:1).  Still MIA, and a likely first member of the Milk Carton Club if I start that up next week.

Wild Tim Guarnere (10:1).  Since I think Sean's soon to be worm-food, it leads me to believe that the White House mole will not be killed.

Janis (10:1).  I was really disappointed that we didn't get the catfight we had been so anticipating between her and Chloe.  But I think they'll make up for it next week when Janis is initially fingered as the mole.

Empty Suit Larry (8:1).  Man, he has turned into such a whiny pain-in-the-ass.  He needs to be this season's Noble Sacrifice...mostly to get him out of the way of Jack and Renee's inevitable pairing.

Spoiled Princess Olivia (6:1).  I kind of doubt that they'll have both First Rugrats bumped off...but I'm hoping that maybe Aaron Pierce is still with the ex-Mrs. Logan, and she stabs her.

First Old Man (5:1).  One point on the odds for every hour we have to wait until we are relieved of this boring plot line.

Sister Ironside (1:1) I'm positive she'll be safe now...and she is absolutely destined for the Milk Carton.