Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Mitch called the death of Bill Buchanan. And for that matter, he's been out in front of pretty much every plot twist we've seen so far in season #7 of "24". And in this week's column, Mitch predicts we still have one major plot shift coming. The Bauer Body Count is now up to 21 (roughly one kill every 34 minutes). The Odds Of Survival chart has shifted dramatically. And as always, we get Mitch's hysterical recap of last week's episode. Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer

Is it just me, or does it seem like this is the latest "24" has ever gone before making The Big Plot Twist/Switch?  It usually happened at around hour 6 - 8 before, but this time, we're into the thirteenth hour before kicking the final bit of dirt on the bodies of the Junior Varsity Baddies.

Recap

Vice President Hayworth (henceforth to be known as VP Hayseed, given his gawd-awful attempt at a Southern Accent) sits looking forlornly as he contemplates his upcoming promotion.  And given the fate of Presidents in the 24 universe, can you blame him?  He "will not authorize any action until he knows the status of the President".  I get the feeling that'll be coming to him in just a couple of minutes.

In the White House, we're having all kinds of "moments".  We find out that the President had previously fired the FirstSpoiledPrincess for being a screw up, which is why she hates her mother.  Jack is having a "Mason Moment" with Bill as Jack describes a plan to blow up Col. F.U. Jobu's men by getting to "several canisters of CH4" from the lockdown room that have been opened and can be used to create a big-assed explosion.  The bad news is that Jack plans on causing the distraction himself, and will probably get blown up in the process.  If you remember your "24" history, you know he also planned to sacrifice himself this way in the second season, piloting a Cessna with a small nuke on board out to a remote part of the desert to detonate.  That time, former CTU head George Mason heroically stepped up to the plate and piloted the plane to its fate instead of Jack.

So I'm SURE that they wouldn't repeat themselves and have Bill take the suicide mission instead of Jack.  To note; I'm also sure that politicians wouldn't lie to me, and that I really can get rich working from home selling Beanie Babies on eBay.

Senator Red wants to be in on any plan, and I'm thinking that HE should be the one to go in the suicide mission.  But no, he wants in so that he can take claim if it succeeds, or lay blame if it doesn't.  Jack tells him to STFU.  I'm liking this episode a lot more than last week already.

President Taylor is forced to read a statement from Jobu, taking blame for everything from the invasion of SomeGala to Global Warming to male pattern baldness.  The VP Hayseed wants to shut it down, but since it's going out over the Internet, he can't.  Damn that Al Gore!  Moss calls up, telling the VP that he's positive Jobu will execute the President as soon as he's gotten his point across.  Of course, the VP doesn't believe this, because every season must have some politician who is dumber than a box of rocks.  Mr. Hayseed...here's your sign.

With no help coming from the outside, it's up to Jack and Bill.  Bill tells Jack that he's positive that Jobu was working with someone else (hello, Jon Voight Conspiracy Group!), and that even if they take Jobu out, the President will still be in danger, and that Jack is the only person that he knows who can protect her.  He then ties on a bandana with a Rising Sun on it, screams BAANNZZZZAAAAIIIIII!!!!!! and rushes towards the My Pet Goat Memorial Lockdown Room.  Knocking down one of the thugs, he fires a gun up into the air and the place (and Bill) Blows Up Real Good^TM

Moss hears the explosion, and decides it's time to loosen his belt and moon the VP, as they're going in anyway, despite his wimpy, small genitalia influenced objections.  And the Turkey Shoot begins!  The FBI gets a couple.  Jack gets three.  Aaron Pierce rushes to the President and the FSP, and gets a baddie of his own. 

A dazed and bloodied Jobu grabs a machine gun, vowing to get the President himself.  I wonder how that will work out for him?

DAMMIT, Jack!  Why did you kill that baddie who was about to shoot Senator Red?  Oh, that's right.  So he could save his life, and make the snide SOB change his mind about him.  Who would have predicted that? (answer: you're reading that person's column...end of self-congratulatory pat on the back).  He gets into the next room, and sees Jobu on his knees.  A complete surprise...Jobu thinks he can whip up his machine gun and get a shot off before Jack can pull the trigger on him.  Jobu wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and now he resembles something else in a drawer...a cheese grater.

Now that the President has been secured, Jack can tend to Bill.  It's not a pretty sight.  But Bill Buchanan does find a place in the Ring of Honor with so many other former CTU leaders.  The Roll Call:

•·         Richard Walsh - Jack's Mentor, killed in the second episode after tipping Jack off about the impending assassination attempt on Senator David Palmer

•·         George Mason - "I'm lea-e-ving, on a small plane/don't think that I'll be back again."

•·         Michelle Dessler - Blowed Up Real Good^TM last season

•·         Ryan Chappelle - Gives himself up to be shot in the head by Jack to avoid additional terrorist acts from South American Drug Lords.

•·         Lynn McGill - Samwise the CTU Head sacrifices himself after the deadly quadruple burrito special gas attack that claimed the life of Edgar.

•·         Bill Buchanan - RIP.

Oh...and Tony Almedia also served time as the head of CTU.  Which will bump up his odds of him not making it to 8 AM.  Somewhere in Montana, Erin Driscoll is looking like the Unibomber,hiding in an underground bunker, afraid to even go to the bathroom.  Remember, Erin:  Just because you are paranoid; it doesn't mean that they aren't out to get you.

11 minutes into the show, and we are FINALLY done with SomeGala, Golf claps abound!  And I'm already at almost two pages.  Time to speed things up a bit.  Which means I can skip the mushy part between the Prez and her snotty offspring.  Thunderous applause abounds!

Renee gets her eyes once again to the size of an Eisenhower Silver Dollar (look it up if you're under 40) when she sees Jack still sitting beside Bill's Medal of Honor Winning Body.  Jack talks to Empty Suit Larry, letting him know that "it's not over" ("Over?  It's not over until WE say it's over! " Sorry...bad habit to project quotes from "Animal House", "Airplane" or "Caddyshack" wherever possible).  Oh...and Jack also lets ESL know that he needs to have a little rip-off-your-face time with cRyan Burnett.  But instead, Larry has Jack arrested once again.  They never learn, do they?  Renee corners Ethan, and tries to convince him to convince the President to let Jack go.

At Starkwood Enterprises (I see StarkRavingLoon Enterprises in my snarky head), Jon Voight takes the news of the President's rescue with the same facial expressions seen from Rush Limbaugh the night of November 4, 2008.  We find that the "shipment" Jobu talked about last week was for weapons, and it's still right on schedule.  I get the feeling we ain't talkin' about Red Ryder BB guns and slingshots, here.

The sound you heard in the next scene was that of Empty Suit Larry having his nuts surgically removed without anesthesia.  The look on his face when Ethan told him to release Jack, based on what Renee told him was priceless. 

More political boredom...er...intrigue.  Allison wants to bring Olivia the FSP back onboard as an advisor (nepotism rules!).  Ethan objects because during the campaign, Olivia released damaging personal information about her opponent (pulling a Lee Atwater on him, as it were).  I object because this is a tedious plot line that they've used before; having a political liability in the form of a conniving female relative of the President (Hello, Lady Macbeth Palmer!).

Empty Suit Larry is still trying to regain some level of manhood, and takes out his frustrations by indefinitely suspending Renee for going behind his back.  I somehow get the feeling that even if he does re-discover his cajones...it will do him no good, and he's seen the last of her in the sack.  And the dominoes keep falling into place on the eventual nuptials of the future Renee Bauer.

During the commercial break, President Allison Taylor's body double named Cherry Jones makes a Public Service Announcement about the need to do something about Global Warming.  I turn the volume down and hear the screams from right wing houses throughout the country.  Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.  Someone at Fox Entertainment maybe needs to do a little study of the demographics of Fox News.  I'm not taking a stand here one way or the other.  I can piss people off enough on my own without injecting my political viewpoints...but this was a dumb idea.  Except for the fact that it should make for some great entertainment to hear Bill O'Reilly go after his own employer.  Stay tuned on that one.

Now that we're back, it would appear that terrorists will get their hands on a weapon that can wipe out 15,000 people at a time.

Again.

Jack is going to go question cRyan at a hospital...assuming the patient isn't killed right under the noses of the doctors and nurses.

Again.

Dr. Assassin, working for the JVCG, makes his semi-badness known by smothering an old man.  I say semi-badness, because he makes it a point to kill the geezer without a family.  How noble of him.  This seems to clear out the ENTIRE FLOOR, allowing Dr. A to discover the location of cRyan and Jack (who he also is supposed to "take care of").

Luckily for the Bad Doc, there is five feet between the floors of the hospital, allowing him to sneak between floors to get where he needs to be.

Again.

Ethan "offers" the job to Olivia, who immediately gets a 5 Hour Power Drink Rush and announces that she's gunning for Ethan for his gross incompetency.  Sigh.  Sometimes, I really hate it when I'm right.

Again.

cRyan wakes up, sees Jack standing over him, and is grateful for the bedpan.  Doc A drops a gas pack in, and instead of killing Jack, he just temporarily paralyzes the two of the, and the Doc jumps down, slits cRyan's throat, and leaves, setting Jack up for the murder of cRyan, SECONDS before the boy was going to Tell All.  So now Jack is being framed, and must go on the run.

Again.

Final Thoughts

I'm not sure what happened to Martha Logan...but it ticked Aaron off when FSP brought it up.  I get the feeling the words "Arkham Asylum" might be involved.

What's with Chloe only being onscreen for like five seconds, being led away in handcuffs?  And then next week we get her prickly husband Miles cooperating with the feds to find Jack?  Time for a little marital ass kicking again.

I'll give some credit for one thing not being completely obvious, and that's the motivation of the JVCG.  Sure, they mentioned diamonds earlier on, but I'm positive that there has to be something more going on here.  I'm just hoping it ends up being a little clearer than the motivations of Philip Bauer's Blue Man Conspiracy Group...because I never really figured out what those cats were about...other than going after Jack.

Bauer Body Count

21.  Including Jobu.  NOW we're getting somewhere.

Odds of Survival

Off the Island:  General F.U. Jobu and Bill Buchanan

Dr. Assassin (100:1) - I keep wanting to use the abbreviation "DocAss" for short...but I'm probably pushing it as it is with talks this week of Larry's de-nutting.

Greg Seaton (50:1) - That's the Igor sniveling around the feet of Jon Voight, going "yesssss, Maassssterrr!"  They never last long.

Jon Voight (30:1) - I just don't feel like calling him "Hodges".  It's JON VOIGHT, Dammit!  And he's really that evil in real life! (or so Angelina told me).

Empty Suit Larry (25:1).  This is one of the most aggravating characters this year.  Every now and then, he does something semi-decent, and then he turns around and does five stupid things.

Tony (20:1) -   Be afraid, former CTU head.  Be VERY afraid.

Janis (15:1) -  The only good part about not seeing much of Chloe this week was that we didn't see much of Janis, either.

Chief of Staff Ethan (10:1).  Since they can't bump off the FSP, someone at the White House needs to go.

Sean the Snake (8:1).  He's not dead yet?  No?  Then trust me, they aren't done with him.

First Old Man (4:1) -  At least he got his name mentioned tonight.

Senator Red (3:1).  I'd love it if next week when he challenges Jack to kill him: Jack does.

Aaron Pierce (1:1).  I think the flesh wound through the shoulder is the worst that will happen to him this year.  But given the tone he used when FSP mentioned Martha, I think they're setting something up for later.

President Allison Taylor (1:1).  I won't take her off the board yet.

Spoiled Princess Olivia (1:1).  First Runner up to Empty Suit Larry for the person I'd most like to see voted off the island.  And I really loved Sprague Grayden when she played plucky school teacher Heather Lisinski on "Jericho".