Written by Mitch Cyrus

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In this weeks edition of The Crystal Ball, Mitch previews the movies hitting the theaters and DVD ... and also lets us in all the latest Hollywood gossip on upcoming projects of note. A regular Friday night feature on Da Blurbs, give this column a read if you haven't in the past.

The big surprise for the week was the fact that the poorly reviewed “The Break Up” still beat out X-Men3 for the #1 spot for the week.  And while X3 and “The DaVinci Code” will both easily end up with over $200 million at the box office, we’re still awaiting that “Must See” film of the Summer…with high expectations for “Superman Returns” and the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. 

News and Gossip: 

~ Hugh Jackman has been signed to replace Russell Crowe in Baz Luhrmann’s yet untitled epic film about the Japanese bombing of Darwin, Australia during World War II.  Seems Russell’s continued insistence of acting like Dennis Rodman was too much for Baz, and he dumped the petulant Crowe for the popular X-Men star for the major role opposite Nicole Kidman. Telephone repairmen in Australia go off from Red Alert. The movie is expected to be a 2008 release. 

~ Seems there is nothing too low for the Weinstein Group.  They plan to do a remake of the classic movie “The Seven Samurai”.  Zhang Ziyi (Memoirs of a Geisha) is the only name so far connected to the film…but I’m sure Jackie Chan, and a few others that would sell their soul for a quick paycheck will also sign on.  It wouldn’t surprise me if ol’ Harvey Weinstein also has plans for updates/remakes of Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and To Kill a Mockingbird, using Pauley Shore, David Spade, and Paul Walker in the leads. 

~ For you horror freaks (and I mean that literally), some good news.  Ron Zombie will be re-inventing the “Halloween” franchise with a new movie that is neither a remake of the original nor a sequel. So why the hell doesn’t he just call it something other than “Halloween”? Seeing this film will be on my “to-do” list…right after “shaving my head with a cheese grater”. 

~ Will Smith has signed on to the comedy “Seven Pounds”, about a man who falls in love with a woman while attempting to kill himself.  This is for all of you people out there that watched “Leaving Las Vegas”, and thought “man, this would have made a really funny film if they would have just added a few jokes”. 
 

This week’s new releases:

Title: Cars 

Starring: The voices of Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, Paul Newman, and Larry the Cable Guy 

View Trailer 
 

Plot:  Hot shot racing car Lightning McQueen (Wilson) gets waylaid in the little town of Radiator Springs where he learns important lessons about life. 

The BeerBuzz:  It’s Pixar, so it’s going to be big.  Anything to top the lame “Ice Age 2” as the # 1 animated film of the year would be fine with me.  Living in NASCAR country, I’m already totally sick of all the tie-ins, but I have to admit that the concept is a good one.  And the additional voices should make this a fun movie for parents to watch when they are dragged there by their kids.  Cheech Marin, George Carlin, Tony Shalhoub, and Jeremy Piven contribute…and I REALLY would love to hear Piven’s car say “hug it out, bitch” to someone.  Additionally, there are several cute sports voices, such as Bob Costas as Bob Cutless, Darrell Waltrip as Darrell Cartrip, and Richard Petty as The King.  However, if Darrell Cartrip says “boogity, boogity, boogity”, I won’t be held responsible for my actions. 
 

Title: Prairie Home Companion 

Starring: Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Woody Harrelson. 

Plot:  A backstage look at the last broadcast of the country’s most popular radio show. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  There are about 50,000 people in this country that like Robert Altman movies*.  They all live in Beverly Hills or Manhattan and have Al Gore on speed dial.  So we have more of the same here with a movie adaptation of Garrison Keillor’s hugely popular NPR radio show, in what will surely be an Altman prototypical disjointed, fast moving movie with multiple storylines, overlapping dialogue, and an ending that is more of a “we ran out of film” than a conclusion.  Also in the cast are; Tommy Lee Jones, Kevin Kline, Lindsay Lohan (who supposedly does a great job actin), Virginia Madsen, and Garrison Keillor himself.  FoxNews may have just as many people lined up as commentators denouncing it, as Keillor is as popular there as Ann Coulter is on Air America. 

* Except for M*A*S*H, which everyone with any taste loved.  
 

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, June 13^th.  

16 Blocks – Bruce Willis gets make up so that he looks like Bruce Willis’ dad to play a “soon to be retiring burnt out cop” for the 30^th time in his career, this time escorting motor mouthed Mos Def “16 blocks” from the jail to the court house to testify against some people that don’t want him testifying.  Probably your best Blockbuster choice of the week.  

Aquamarine – “Splash” for 10 year old girls.  If you get this for your young daughters, run away as fast as you can once they pop it in the dvd player, so you don’t have to suffer through it. 

David Chappelle’s Block Party – Still not sure if they filmed this before or after Chappelle did his Syd Barrett impersonation.  Pretty funny mix of skits, standup comedy and music.  Fans of Chappelle’s TV show will love it. 

Green Street Hooligans – Indie film with Elijah Wood playing a kid wrongfully expelled from Harvard, so he goes to London to stay with his sister.  While there, his brother-in-law gets him involved in English soccer hooliganism.  Might be worth the rent just to see Mr. Frodo go all Tyler Durden on some orthodontically challenged dolts. 

The Pink Panther – If you rent this horrible remake of a classic, the ghost of Peter Sellers will show up and taunt you like the French Guard in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”.  Not only that, the ghost of ‘net mah doge’ will bite you on the ass. 

Calendar Watch:

Next week: Nacho Libre, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, The Lake House, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kittys.  I haven’t had four movies to rip on like this since the dog days of February.  Gonna have to break out the Industrial Strength Bottle of Sardonic for this one. 

Upcoming Biggies. 

Click: June 23^rd 

Superman Returns: June 28^th 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: July 7^th 

M. Knight Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water: July 21^st  

Miami Vice: July 29^th 

World Trade Center: August 9^th  

Snakes On a Plane!: August 18^th  

Clerks II: August 18^th  

All the King’s Men: September 22^nd   

Flags of Our Fathers: October 20^th   

Casino Royale (007): November 17^th

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Posted by Mitch Cyrus Jun 08, 2006 7:00 PM