Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Mitch just set off for a vacation in the mountains. I urged him to take a much deserved couple week respit from writing. His reply? "There is no way I am passing on the opportunity to lambaste this weeks crop of terrible releases at the theaters." And as always, Mitch keeps us up on the Hollywood gossip, what's being released on DVD, and also what big film projects are in the works in this especially cruel edition of "The Crystal Ball."

There are several good movies out there right now, such as Cars, The DaVinci Code, Over the Hedge and The Omen, along with several OK-but-entertaining movies like The Break Up, Poseidon, and yes, even Mission Impossible III and X-Men 3 when you consider the alternative...that being watching ANYTHING being released this weekend.  This is the worst group of films I’ve seen in one weekend since February 10^th, when we got “The Pink Panther”, “Curious George”, “Final Destination 3”, and “Firewall”. 

News and Gossip: 

~ Eminem will play a bounty hunter in a movie update of the old TV series “Have Gun – Will Travel”, set for a 2007 release.  I wonder what the bounty is on the bucket that Eminem couldn’t carry a tune in?  Maybe by the time it’s released we’ll have forgotten about the last bounty hunter movie, the atrocious “Domino”.  (Actually, I think everyone forgot about that 15 minutes after it was released). 

~ Tim Burton directing a musical?  What’s next?  Ron Zombie making a sappy romantic comedy?  But given that the musical is “Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”, perhaps the darkest musical comedy of all time (the barber slits people’s throats, and his accomplice makes delicious meat pies out of them)…and it will be starring Burton favorite Johnny Depp…this may not be too bad.  But always remember; I am a sick puppy who actually liked it when the little twerps had bad things happen to them in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. 

~ Vince Vaughn, William Hurt, Marcia Gay Harden, Kathleen Keeler, and Emile Hirsch will star in Sean Penn’s upcoming “Into the Wild”, based off a non-fiction book about a young man who graduated college in 1992, started hitchhiking to Alaska, and was found dead four months later in an abandoned bus.  Happy, happy, joy, joy…break out the No-Doz, and take away sharp objects that I may use to stab my eyes out. 

~ They are making a second “Alien vs. Predator” movie.  No news on whether or not the ‘genius’ that green lighted this bomb-in-the-making has also approved “Man of the House 2”. 
 

This week’s new releases:

Title: Nacho Libre 

Starring: Jack Black, Ana de la Reguera, Hector Jimenez. 

Plot: A priest desperate for money to save an orphanage puts on a mask and earns extra money as a luchador on the Mexican pro wrestling circuit. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  Direct Jared Hess last earned cult movie status for “Napoleon Dynamite”, and he’s apparently aiming for it again here in a film that is sure to be high on humiliation, bathroom humor, and sexual double-entendres…and low on intelligence.  I love Jack Black, and that alone may escalate it above the awful (in my opinion) “Napoleon”…but it could also be that this is another “Envy”. 
 

Title: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift 

Starring: The kid that ‘tawked funny’ in “Sling Blade”, the obnoxious oldest brother from “Home Improvement”, and midget rapper. 

Plot:  Loser street racing kid bolts to live with his uncle in Tokyo to avoid jail time, and quickly gets in trouble over there. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  When Paul-Freaking-Walker won’t do a movie, that’s got to tell you all you need to know.  The only Drifting going on will be the audience drifting off to sleep every time mumble mouthed Southern Boy Lucas Black tries to speak English. 
 

Title: The Lake House 

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock 

Plot:  A lonely doctor and a frustrated architect develop a relationship via mail through a mysterious postbox.  As it ends up, they are actually living two years apart in time. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  I may have to break out that eye-stabbing sharp object long before Sean Penn’s “could depress a hyena” movie…but instead use it on my ears to avoid listening to Keanu butchering attempts to read romantic lines.  Face it: the only time I want to see Keanu in a movie involving time-travel, he had better be standing in that phone booth next to Bill S. Preston, Esq. 
 

Title: Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. 

Starring: Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, the voice of Bill Murray. 

Plot:  There is none…but if you’re the type that’s going to see this movie, you’re either too stupid to need one…or else your kids are the ones that run your household. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  I guess doing tripe like this is what allows Bill Murray to make enough money so that he can do great smaller films like “Lost In Translation” and “Broken Flowers”. 
 

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, June 20^th.  

Eight Below – Paul Walker suck as an actor (in other shocking revelations…water is wet)…but luckily he’s completely upstaged by eight adorable sled dogs as they fight for survival after being abandoned in Antarctica.  Truly riveting action and suspense when the movie focuses on the dogs…mostly boring when back on the humans, although Bruce Greenwood does a good job. 

Syriana – George Clooney’s Oscar winning performance as a burnt out CIA agent is the highlight of this complex (confusing) film about the oil industry and the politics surrounding it.  George’s Oscar also elevated his ego to such that it is now applying for statehood.  If you hated “Traffic” for the overlapping plot lines, stay away from this one.  However, jokes aside, if you’re into political thrillers, give this one a chance. 

The Hills Have Eyes – Wes Craven’s remake of the 1977 classic about vacationers that get stranded in the desert near a bunch of mutants screwed up by atomic bomb testing and really pissed.  Rent it…invite your mother over…serve spaghetti first. 
 

Calendar Watch:

Next week:  Click, Waist Deep 

Upcoming Biggies. 

Superman Returns: June 28^th 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: July 7^th 

M. Knight Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water: July 21^st  

Miami Vice: July 29^th 

World Trade Center: August 9^th  

Snakes On a Plane!: August 18^th  

Clerks II: August 18^th  

All the King’s Men: September 22^nd   

Flags of Our Fathers: October 20^th   

Casino Royale (007): November 17^th 

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Posted by Mitch Cyrus Jun 15, 2006 7:00 PM