Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Just got word from Mitch that he's off to see the new "Pirates Of The Caribbean" flick this weekend, and he will have a review to us early next week. In the meantime, here's the latest version of Mitch's Crystal Ball column, a Friday staple here on the Blurbs where he reviews the new movies hitting the theater and DVD, as well as the latest Hollywood gossip.

And the watchword for this year’s box office is “zzzzz”.  Another blockbuster opens to ho-hum numbers as “Superman Returns” seems to be satisfactory but bland to most of the critics and audiences alike. 

News and Rumors: 

~ Eric Bana has proven that he is indeed a very intelligent fellow.  He has pulled out of the next Hulk movie, leaving two men to fight it out for the role; Brendan Fraser and Dominic Purcell (“Prison Break”).  No indication if Ang Lee intends to come back to the director’s chair to totally destroy another Bruce Banner film or not. 

~ Though originally thought to be on board for the movie opening this week, Keith Richards has been signed to play Captain Jack Sparrow’s father in the third “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie.  Assuming he stays out of trees while shooting on location. 

~ While the possibility still exists for his own movie, it has been confirmed that The Silver Surfer will be the main antagonist/ally in the second “Fantastic Four” movie.  No actor will be portraying the Chromed Dude…he will be strictly CGI.  And let’s hope they don’t screw it up as badly as they did Dr. Doom. 

~ Sienna Miller and Peter Sarsgaard are set to star in a film sure to get a rise out of most of us here at Swerb’s: “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh”.  No need for a movie…we already know all the mysteries about that sewer…just not the reasons behind them.  Such as: Why do they drink ArnCity Beer?  Why do they say “yinz”?  Why do they have sex with immediate family members or farm animals?  And why do they have dental hygiene habits that make Brits look like Osmonds in comparison? 
 

This week’s new releases: 

Title: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest 

Starring: Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom 

Plot: Captain Jack interrupts the wedding of Elizabeth Swan and Will Turner to get help in dodging a soul debt he owes to Davy Jones. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  More ACTION!  More CAPTAIN JACK!  And hopefully more Keira in revealing clothes (did I just say that?).  Seriously, this one is reported to be much more focused on the true star of the movie, Johnny Depp, and less on the affections of the two co-stars.  Filming for the third movie is already underway as this will end up being a trilogy (and possibly beyond, but the next one will wrap up a story arc, much like X3).  Buzz is very mixed about this now…but it’s looking like a movie the audiences will love, and the critics will be so-so…not a surprise as the novelty of such a totally unique character like Capt. Jack will have worn off, so now critics will try to tear it down like a Michael Bay noise fest.  Check in early next week for my review. 
 

Title: A Scanner Darkly 

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, Robert Downey, Jr. 

Plot: In The Near Future (don’t you love it how that device is always used?) an undercover cop (Reeves) is one of many agents hooked on a popular drug that causes split personalities…so he ends up tracking his alter ego; a drug pusher. 

View Trailer 

The BeerBuzz:  Maybe Keanu should spend some time tracking a really alternate alter ego; someone who can ACT.  Note that this is like Waking Life, where the animation was drawn over the real actors’ performances.  Make up your own Keanu/two dimensional character jokes…there are millions of them out there. 
 

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, July 11^th. 

If you have a strong stomach, lots of booze, no real shame, and $5 to waste on total rubbish, have we got a movie for you!   

If it’s not for you…then get to a theater, because there ain’t jack coming out this week on the DVD side. 

Basic Instinct 2: Unrated and Uncut – Total frontal nudity from a 48 year old has-been! (with very few parts being natural).  Plot?  We don’t need no stinkin’ plot!  Sharron Stone got laughed off of the entire North American continent, so this movie’s in London.  And it really, really sucks.  Enjoy. 

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story – British “movie within a movie” for those of you that though “Adaptation” just wasn’t quite weird enough for your taste. 

Weeds: Season One – Excellent Showtime comedy about a single mother who resorts to being a pot dealer in Suburbia in order to make ends meet. 

NHL Stanley Cup 2005-2006 Champions: Carolina Hurricanes – Of interest only to me…but as I said…not much selection this week. 
 

Calendar Watch:

Next week: Little Man.  You, Me, and Dupree.  The OH in Ohio 

Upcoming Biggies. 

M. Knight Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water: July 21^st  

Clerks II: July 21^st   

Miami Vice: July 28^th 

Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: August 9^th  

World Trade Center: August 9^th  

Snakes On a Plane!: August 18^th  

Invincible: August 25^th  

Lucky You: September 8^th  

All the King’s Men: September 22^nd   

The Departed: October 6^th (Scoresese’s latest) 

Flags of Our Fathers: October 20^th   

Casino Royale (007): November 17^th

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Posted by Mitch Cyrus Jul 06, 2006 7:00 PM