Written by Mitch Cyrus

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It's Friday night, which means its Crystal Ball time. Where Mitch takes a look at the new releases at the theater and on DVD, and also clues us in on the latest Hollywood gossip and major projects in the works. This week's edition is especially hysterical, as Mitch ruthlessly slams a weak crop of releases.

For those of you that are fans of the excellent HBO comedy “Entourage”, you will know that in that fictional world, James Cameron’s superhero flick “Aquaman”, staring Vincent Chase, broke Spider-Man’s opening weekend record by raking in $118 million. Too bad that record didn’t last long, as “Pirates of the Caribbean : Dead Man’s Chest” destroyed both the web slinger, and the mythical FishBoy by pulling in $135.6 million in its first three days. LeBron James actually has to “work” for three weeks to pull in that much jack.

No chance any of the trash coming out this week knocks Captain Jack Sparrow off his crow’s nest. In fact, the releases this week following POTC:2 are sort of like following up some excellent filet mignon with a desert tray loaded with dried up Twinkies.

News and Rumors:

~ DAMN!!!! Word out that James Gandolfini’s knee surgery after an accident will set back the release of the last eight episodes of “The Sopranos” until March. No reports on whether or not Paulie helped on the kneecapping.

~ Finally an interesting twist to the bazillion vampire movies released each year. Universal has green lighted a movie that actually focuses on the back story of Dracula called “Dracula: Year Zero”, detailing how the nasty Prince Vlad the Impaler became the Prince of Darkness. Vlad is expected to be portrayed as a flawed hero in a tragic love story. Yeah…Vlad used to just love torturing people…quite the role model there.

~ According to rumors, there may be a return of both Karen Allen and Kate Capshaw to the fourth Indiana Jones movie, just to tie up all the lose ends. There are also rumors that Natalie Portman may portray Indy’s daughter. Now if Harrison Ford can just keep his cradle robbing hands to himself…

~ Samuel L. Jackson has just signed on to an interesting (in concept anyway) sci-fi flick called “Jumper”. Jackson will portray an NSA agent in pursuit of a young teenager that has the ability to teleport (like Nightcrawler in X2). A handy talent. Almost every day around 2 PM I’d love to teleport out of my office and into the nearest pub.

~ For this week’s NOOOOO!!! Category…looks like a live-action version of “Speed Racer” may be made, with Vince Vaughn portraying Racer X. No other casting has been suggested, but seeing live action versions of Spritle and Chim-Chim may be enough to finally put me over the edge.

This week’s new releases:

Catch up on some of the other stuff, because the two films being released nationwide make “Dumb and Dumberer” look like “Citizen Kane” in comparison. Good Lord, give me some of that flavored Drain-O that Hiko was talking about in his article about The Dead Season.

I am also listing a film that is in limited release this week, but will be available nationwide in a few weeks. I think that once you see the title, you’ll understand.

Title: Little Man

Starring: Various Wayans who have made a cottage industry from creating bad films.

Plot: Dwarf Wayan literally acts like a baby to recover a stolen diamond.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: If you’ve seen the trailers, you know this is going to be nothing but a bunch of gross potty and sex jokes…with the bar being so low that all 1,000 Snakes on a Plane can easily rise above it. If you thought “White Chicks” was high brow entertainment, you’ll probably love this. But then again, people that find this kind of humor uproariously funny tend to have one thing in common: IQs roughly the equivalent of the number worn on the backs of offensive tackles.

Title: You, Me, and Dupree

Starring: Kate Hudson, Owen Wilson, Matt Dillon

Plot: Surfer boy slacker best man moves in after the wedding and wreaks havoc.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: Once upon a time, Kate Hudson was considered an up and coming star…but then again, so was Chris O’Donnell. Never upon a time was Owen Wilson considered an actual actor. With this, Kate Hudson will have had a flop with both Wilson boys, having appeared with Luke Wilson in the stinker “Alex and Emma”. And Matt Dillon needs to see if he can get a cameo on “Entourage”, as his career may be about to tank as badly as Johnny Drama’s (Kevin Dillon).

Title: The OH in Ohio (limited release)

Starring: Parker Posey, Paul Rudd, Danny DeVito

Plot: (From IMDB, as the studio’s PR firm can word it much better than I). Frustrated by the fact that he's never given his wife, Priscilla (Posey), an orgasm, Jack (Rudd) moves out of their home, and into a relationship with his comely student (Mischa Barton). Though Priscilla first turns her attention to a battery-operated lover, she finds an unlikely partner in Wayne (DeVito), a chunky businessman more than twice her age.

View Trailer (you’ll love it)

 

The BeerBuzz: This has gotten major, major buzz, and I’m not just talking about Posey’s battery operated friend. Parker Posey has already shown her great comedic talent in “Superman Returns”, and DeVito is said to be at his “Ruthless People” smarmy best. Liza Minnelli has a role as a sex therapist (bah!) and Heather Graham has an uncredited role as a clerk in the dildo shop. The trailer looks hilarious, and of course we cannot ignore the fact that it was filmed in and is set in Cleveland .

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, July 18^th.

ATL – I have no idea why this movie did so poorly at the box office. It has roller rinks, hip-hop, and actors not even rap fans know. What’s not to love?

She’s the Man – No, this isn’t a documentary on the size of Ann Coulter’s Adam’s Apple…it’s uber plucky Amanda Bynes binding her boobs and pretending to be a guy on a soccer team to cover for her slacker brother. And somewhere, Dustin Hoffman cries into his Tootsie dress.

Road House 2 – Patrick Swayze was too busy being OLD AS DIRT to do this ‘sequel’, so they got the guy whose only acting ability is to smirk on cue…Johnathan Schaech, who was last seen (by about 60 people) in the straight to video ‘classic’ 8MM Part 2. He’s currently in negotiation to appear in Howard the Duck 2.

Some Like It Hot (Collector’s Edition) – Now THIS is how you do movies involving someone cross dressing.

Ren & Stimpy: The Lost Episodes – You EEEDIOT!!! One of my favorite cartoon lines ever.

Carnivale: The Complete Second Season – There is also a package with both the first and the second seasons. Think “ Twin Peaks ” with more dirt and naked bodies.

Ultraman: Series One, Volume One – Middle aged men still wearing pocket protectors and high waters will flock to Best Buy for this little gem from their childhoods. I would pity them, but most will probably be driving Mercedes and BMWs to the store, so to hell with them.

Calendar Watch:

 

Next week: M. Knight Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Monster House, My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Upcoming Biggies.

Miami Vice: July 28^th

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: August 4^th

Snakes On a Plane: August 18^th

World Trade Center : August 9^th

Invincible: August 25^th

Lucky You: September 8^th (Gambling movie…possibly the life story of Swerb)

All the King’s Men: September 22^nd

The Departed: October 6^th (Scorsese’s latest)

Flags of Our Fathers: October 20^th

Casino Royale (007): November 17^th