Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Kiefer Sutherland drinks to forget all the terrible things Jack Bauer has done.

I am not sure I've ever went into an episode of "24" with more curiosity.  The season is spiraling out of control, and like the Browns in game 13 this year, they badly need a "win" to salvage things.  The premise looks promising, with Jack being captured by the Tricksy, Tricksy Ruskies...but will it deliver, or sink miserably into the abyss?

Making matters worse is the news that Kiefer Sutherland is having a surgical procedure, which will shut down production for a short time, and may restrict Kiefer's ability to do the action roles for a few weeks longer.  Being that all that is left to shoot is six more episodes, I'm not getting a warm and fuzzy concerning the end of this season.

Recap

 

Not a good start as Dana once again retreats to the Bat Cave for a little aiding and abetting when she might instead want to...I don't know...maybe help find the stuff that could be coming back into this country as a nuclear bomb?  The KevinBobsie Twins are at a strip club...that doesn't have any naked women.  Fabulous!  Dana expects KevinBob to honor their agreement and for him to leave, but of course he doesn't, instead thinking that he's found this great crime team to keep pulling off capers everywhere. A regular Bonnie and Cletus.  JimRay even takes the phone to call her a "bitch" and let her know where she stands in the pecking order.

BubbaHastings is not in a good mood back at CTU.  His operation has gone belly up as Jack can't be tracked, Renee is a head-case, and then there is the whole Dana situation.  Chloe covers for Dana, which pisses off Arlo...as well as me, because I really, really want her the Frack off from this show.

Jack is at the Tricksy Tricksy Ruskie Restaurant where he is trying to quickly establish his credentials with Vitaly Corleonovich.  The Godfather isn't interested in Jack's story...until he makes him an offer he can't refuse, $250 million...something that certainly gets his interest.  But Vitaly still is worried that he's a cop, so he's going to have his goon torturel Jack until he can make up some B.S. about who he works for (or escape...I wonder which will happen first?)

Meanwhile, Josef has finished burying Oleg in the back of the TTR Restaurant, right next to the cat bones (we now know the secret ingredient to Vitaly's famous Borscht).  This makes me now wonder what was in the back yard of a place I used to go to in Mansfield called "Papa's Gondola".  Great food, but there were always "stories" about the owners.  Hopefully none of them read this column, or else my wife might be taking her around-the-world trip in a couple of weeks with the insurance money.  In any case, Vitaly tells Josef that he's going to stall Fredo Hassan until they can figure out if "Ernst" is legit or not.

And it's time to jump start Jack...right in the flesh wound he got in the gut from Renee.  At least the electricity will cauterize the wound, although judging from Jack's scream, I don't think that he's quite looking at it from that angle. The certain consequences of this scene reminded of the great line in "Blazing Saddles" when Sheriff Bart put on his gun holster when he got word that Mongo was in town.  "Oh no...you don't want to shoot him.  That will just make him mad." 

Speaking of torture, we get a short scene with BubbaHastings and President Blabbermouth.  But like that first spark to Jack's midsection, at least it was a quick one.

Hey!  Fredo Hassan IS alive, and managed to avoid fornicating himself to death in the three hours since we last saw him.  However, he is already starting to get an unsightly and itchy rash.  He's also not happy when he gets a call from Kamistralia about his big brother Achmed's crackdown.  He thinks he'll have the rods "within the hour" (everyone drink!).  Not so fast there, Fredo, Vitaly says.  Fredo gets downright indignant with the Infidel Pig...until Josef puts a gun to his head, and boots his ass out onto the street "to wait at the rendezvous point".

Renee is back at CTU headquarters where she can be scapegoated by Bubba in a complete CYA jerk move.  Chloe wants to take her statement, but Renee just wants to help find Jack.

Dana wants to find a place to hide, but instead she decides to finally do some Full Disclosure to Cole, who doesn't think it could be that big of a deal.  "Hey, I'm sure I haven't told you everything about my past either", says Cole.  And while "Scooby-Doo" certainly qualifies as Shameful Enough To Lie About...Dana wins the Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire Award. 

Except for the fact that she doesn't have time yet to tell him...which means this is going to hang on and on and on just like the freaking bad weather we've had since...well, since this season started.  Coincidence?  Feel free to discuss.

Back to Jack getting tortured, and I think I would gladly change places with him.  A car battery to the testicles personally seems like a viable alternative to watching Dana and KevinBob.  And somewhere in his underground lair, Dick Cheney is cursing his luck for not discovering the KevinBob torture before he left office.

The TTR goon is not getting anything from Jack, so he tortures him more, which causes Jack to pass out.  Oops...the goon thinks...did I go too far?  And if there is one of you who can't tell what's coming next, then you've never really paid attention to this show.  Jack uses his foot to toe-grab the other end to the jumper cable while grounding his left foot against the Russian, and then shimmying down the water pipe to break loose.

But why stick with something worth watching when we can instead focus on a lame soap opera subplot?  Kayla goes into her father's office to call him out on the Tarin arrest.  Kayla drops the "I've been ‘more than friends'" bomb on Achmed, and then does a vicious return of service to his "you've been carrying on with him behind my back" comment by simply saying, (in effect) "don't go down that road after what you did to my momma, you horn-dogging hypocrite". (I like my version better).  But instead of opening his eyes to his numerous faults, Achmed just goes Full Montague and forbids his daughter to ever see him again.  (Yeah, I know the correct comparison would be to the Capulets...but Full Montague was just so much more fun to write).

Jack breaks the pipe just as the TTR was waking up from his Taser From Hell treatment, which gives Jack the opportunity to do one of his favorite things, snapping a man's neck.  And he got to do it with his legs as well, which meant double style points, earning a perfect score from the East German judge.

Jack throws the power switch for the TTR Restaurant, which gives him a chance to kill another Russian, this one who has a working phone that Jack uses to call Chloe to get a trace.  Then it's up to the main floor for the Main Event, shooting more Russians, until he has to take cover as Vitaly packs a mean sawed-off shotgun.  However, it looks like Vitaly wasn't a good student of the advanced crime-fighting techniques chronicled in "Die Hard", and he falls for the "hero hiding under the table" trick.  Jack tosses him over a table, which knocks him out cold.

At CTU, Bubba has a visible sign of relief that they've finally got a break.  Or maybe it was gas...can't really tell with him.  Jack gets the lowdown on Vitaly and goes for a little inquisition of his own.  Vitaly confesses about shooting Oleg, but then asks for immunity before telling Jack where the rods are.

Let's see...it's 11:45 PM...the season doesn't end until 4 PM the next day...so I'd say that Jack has as much of a chance of soon getting these rods as I have of shooting below 80 this weekend. 

Stop the Presses...BubbaHastings has finally said something intelligent.  "I'll defer to Jack's judgment on this".  Maybe there is hope yet (doubtful).

Arlo drops a dime on Dana to Cole, but makes it out to look as if she's hooking up with KevinBob for an affair.  Cole asks Arlo to track Dana down.  Wonderful...now we have TWO critical "analysts" who are too busy with personal agendas to bother with the security of the country.  Where the hell is that car battery when you need it?  I'm thinking seriously of connecting it up to my own left foot.

They'll really be shocked when they find out that Dana is at the strip club...with a gun.  Curse me for my naiveté, but I'm suddenly getting my hopes up that this long, long nightmare might actually be coming to a close (we couldn't be so lucky).

Cole is leading the tactical team out to slaughter...er...out to secure the nuclear rods.  Surprise!  The Russians are dead, and the rods are GONE!  Who could have seen THAT coming?  The one clue left behind?  Oleg's cross.  Guess that was quicker than spray painting "Look what I did to piss you off, Daddy.  Signed, Josef".  Looks like Josef is off on a road trip...and he's delivering it to Fredo.

Ruh Ro, Reorge!

Final Thoughts

I said in my prologue that the show badly needed a "win" to reverse the whirlpool of suck they are descending.  Didn't happen...although the Jack parts were good.

I've just realized that there is not a single new character from this season that I have the slightest concern about, or care for even remotely.  How sad is that?

From what I'm gathering from the previews of next week, the smarmy White House Chief of Staff decides that they need a scapegoat to blame everything on, so they choose Renee.  And it looks as if Jack will (obviously) assist, making Jack an Enemy of the State...something that ends up happening every single season.  Which begs the question...

If a writer writes a column about a show that no one watches, does a bear shitting in the woods make a noise when a tree falls on him?

Bauer Body Count

9.  Best single hour so far for Jack as he sent four to the Great Smirnoff Bar in the Sky.

Expiration Dates / Chances of Survival

Anticipated Time of Remaining Life for Key 24 Characters, and the odds that they will survive the "day".

KevinBob's Hilljack Friend JimRay  - Dead by 1 AM. Chances of survival: 0%  The fact that these two are still amongst the living is the most depressing news I have this week.

KevinBob - Also Dead by 1 AM.  Ditto  Chances of survival: 25%

Josef - Dead by 2 AM.  Had it right when I predicted he'd turn on his father, but I now think that he might get bumped off by the Kamistralians after he delivers the rods.  Chances of survival: 10%

Dana Starbuck - Dead by 2 PM.  Please let her get taken out in a Redneck Firefight.  Chances of survival: 50%

Vitaly Corleonovich - Dead by 3 AM.  Now that he's in custody, he may kill himself, die of a stress related heart attack, or get shot by this year's CTU mole.  Chances of survival: 50%

Fredo Hassan - Dead by 8 AM.  Now that Fredo has the rods, they will milk this out until The Big Plot Change.  Chances of survival: 10%.

Ethan Kanin - Dead by 9 AM.  Actually, he may be dead already for all we know.  Chances of survival: 75%

Achmed the Dead President - Dead by 1 PM.  Maybe he finally has a change of heart, and then sacrifices himself near the end of the season (just like Hamri Al-Assad...Alexander Siddig...in Season 6)  Chance of survival: 67%.

BubbaHastings - Dead by 3 PM.  Just flat out painful watching Bubba.  Of all the horrible CTU leaders, he's the most boring.  Chances of survival: 75%

Renee Walker - Dead by 4 PM.  I'm not really looking forward to this next twist with Renee the Scapegoat.  Chances of survival: 25%

Chief of Staff Rob Weiss - Dead by 4 PM.  Maybe Charles Logan stabs him with a bic pen in the right eye? Chances of survival: 75% (the weasels in "24" almost always live).