Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Jack Bauer made a brief cameo in the film "Stand By Me" as the local bully. His character got so pissed off when the boys didn't let him take the dead body that seven years later, he killed River Phoenix. Jack Bauer never forgets.

(Was that Jack Bauer Fact a little over the line of good taste?  Perhaps, but good taste and Season 8 of ‘24’ are mutually exclusive terms as well).

I’m really wondering if the fact that I couldn’t watch this episode until this morning is a sign  As noted earlier, my business travels and a screwed up delay in my least favorite city in the country, Detroit, got me to my hotel Monday evening, too late to watch the show.  No problem…I’ll simply watch it online the next day.  Oh, wait…that would require my outrageously priced hotel to have good enough Internet service to actually be able to stream the show.  As it was, I’d seen 9600 baud rate modems run faster.

Fine…whatever.  It’s not like I have anything better to do on a Saturday morning after I’d been gone all week.  And no, I’m not even slightly resentful when I look outside and see that it’s be nicest day, weather-wise, that we’ve had in six weeks.

I’ll just blame Michigan.

Then I’ll probably actually HOPE for a crappy episode, because am I ever ready to get the knives out.

Recap

15 seconds before the show starts, the announcer comes on to say “NEXT, see why ‘24’ just keeps getting better”.

Really?

What drugs are you using, and do you have enough to share with the rest of the class?

I somehow don’t see this as a good sign when they start out with a scene between Kayla and Tarin.  Just when we thought things couldn’t get more convoluted with the First Family of Kamistralia, Tarin announces that he has “men loyal to him”, and they’ll spring him out of double-secret detention.  He naturally wants Kayla to come with him.

So let me get this straight…Tarin has a group of men ready to betray the President.  Now correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that exactly the treasonous type of things that sort of PROVES Achmed Hassan’s accusation that Tarin couldn’t be trusted?

From bad to worse, we go to the Jersey Swamplands (conveniently 15 minutes by car from the center of Manhattan), having to deal with Dana/Jenny, the character played by The Worst Actor in the World, and the KevinBobsie Corpses.  Cole has decided that years of following the straight and narrow was highly overrated, so now he’s going to The Dark Side, and will assist Dana in covering up multiple crimes.  First and foremost is the assault Freddie Prinze Jr is doing on the figurative corpse of Sir Laurence Olivier.

Let’s move from the Worst Actor to the Stupidest President.  President Taylor is getting the news from BubbaHastings about Fredo Hassan’s change of heart, finding out about Samir’s attempt to set off a dirty bomb in NY City.

“WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS?!?”

Uh…hello…it’s because they are TERRORISTS.

And the cause of Women’s Liberation takes four giant steps back towards the kitchen.

The only decent thing coming out of that scene was seeing BubbaHasting actually growing a pair on national television, telling RobWeasel (formerly known as Rob Weis) to STFU about going after Renee.  RobWeasel slams his hand against a wall to show how aaannnggrrryyyy he is….causing the aforementioned Corpse of Olivier to spin a few more hundred times in his grave.

First positive sign of the show, our first Jack sighting of the hour.  He’s giving a briefing to the rest of the soon-to-be cannon fodder when Fredo calls, asking when he’ll be there.

Let’s say it all in unison.

“I’m 10 minutes out”.

To add one MORE stupid plot twist to the Kamistralia Tales, it seems that Samir and his posse are part of Kamistralia’s equivalent of the CIA/KGB operating in the United States.  Allison the Moronic demands that Achmed the DeadManWalking President turn over all information of all Kamistralia spies in the US.  IF he doesn’t, and IF the dirty bomb goes off, Allison will bomb the living shit out of Kamistralia.

Plot Device Movement #325: Threatening to go all Hiroshima on Civilians of a BFE Country.  Ready?  Blow.

Achmed gives in.  And I give up…I don’t care if it’s 10 AM…I need a drink.

Tarin escapes, calls up Kayla, who says she’s leaving the UN and will meet him at this hotel in…

C’mon, EVERYONE join in…you all know the words…

“10 minutes”.

At the Warehouse District, Fredo Hassan is telling BubbaHastings that he can’t wait until Jack gets there, because they are too close.  Bubba warns him to stay hidden, but here’s the thing…there is just something wired wrong in the brains of bad guys, and they must always do the stupid thing at the wrong time.  In Fredo’s case, he decides to get up and try to limp away (very noisily, I might add), which attracts the attention of the guy with the rifle, who plugs a few holes in him JUST as Jack & Co were pulling up.

Fredo is bleeding out , but he needs to identify Samir first.  And the odds of that happening are about the same as Megan Fox winning Best Actress tomorrow night at the Oscars.

Hey…we have a Wild Tim Guarnere sighting! (And I pause for a second as I contemplate once again the exquisiteness of “Band of Brothers”…especially compared to this crap).  Wild Tim is there to tell Allison that if the bomb goes off, it would kill “tens of thousands” of people, and would make a section of Manhattan unlivable for 40 years.  No biggie, there are sections of New Jersey that have been unlivable for the last 60 years.  I would also nominate the Atlanta Airport as another place that is already unlivable, unbearable, and a blight on society.  (Did I mention how much I despise major airports with continued problems?).

MOST DISGUSTING SCENE OF THE YEAR Alert!

Cole and Dana are body dumping in the swamp/river/whatever.  As Kevin’s body goes under, they make like James Cameron showing Leo’s dead face slipping into the deep.  In the glistening moonlight, Dana looks mournfully at her former lover’s descent.  Cole looks like he is going to hurl.  I’m sure I have the same look on my face right now as well.

It’s now time for the traditional “I used to be a well known actor, and now I’m slumming it for a paycheck in a stupid cameo on ‘24’…please pity me” moment.  Mare Winningham makes an appearance as the American mother of one of Samir’s terrorists.  He calls her up in the middle of the night telling her to leave the city.  It ALSO just so happens that “Marcos” has been picked to lead the suicide mission to go after the Weekend at Bernie’s Escort Service taking Fredo’s rapidly cooling body to a hospital in hopes that Dr. Frankenstein hasn’t gotten of his shift yet.  Failing that, Jack’s satisfied on being bait once again…giving him a chance to go for the really high scores in the Jack Bauer Body Count game.

Macros arrives at the hospital dressed in a very stylish C-4 vest, accented by a dapper array of wires and topped off by a Gucci detonator.  (OK, so I’d make a crappy red-carpet commentator for the Oscars).

While waiting for What’s Next, Jack and Renee get a quick phone call so they can once again dance around their finally realized hotness for each other.  Renee is supposed to be taken by CTU over to Jack’s apartment to “wait until this is over”.  I’m not sure what I’m basing this on (other than seven years watching this show), but I’m guessing it doesn’t go down that way.

Thanks to the James Bond technology, Chloe was able to identify Marcos as a terrorist using the super-duper-doesn’t-really-exist facial recognition program.  Owen the Nervous…the milquetoast guy who was going to lead the tactical unit in Cole’s absence until Jack took over, tries to delay Marcos long enough for Chloe to remotely disable the detonator (yeah, right).  Owen gives Marcos his gun, and then walks him towards Fredo’s location, hoping no one notices the dark water stain on the front of his pants.

Jack’s plan worked like a charm (naturally), as Chloe and Arlo were able to disable the detonator remotely…leading up to some great looks from Marcos when (a) the bomb didn’t go off, and then (b) when he pumped several shots into Fredo…and then realized that he’d been fooled.  Out of bullets, it looks like Jack has him…

Until he jumps out the third story window, managing to limp away faster than any of these highly fit agents can run, and he just so happens to find an isolation chamber laying around unused that he can lock himself into.  How Convenient!™

Final Thoughts

Oh the shark has, pretty teeth, dear
And he shows them, pearly white.

And then Fonzie jumps over him with a motorcycle.

Bauer Body Count

Still stuck on 9.  Since this whole season feels a bit like Groundhog Day…why not just keep it there for a few more weeks?

Expiration Dates / Chances of Survival

Escorted Feet First Off the Island

Fredo Hassan – I said last week that he’d be dead by 2 AM.  Didn’t exactly take Nostradamus for that, though, did it?

Anticipated Time of Remaining Life for Key 24 Characters, and the odds that they will survive the “day”.

Marcos – Dead by 2:05 AM.  Assuming Samir tells him how to Blow Himself Up Real Good.  Chances of survival: 10%

Mama Marco – Dead by 4 AM.  No way they don’t expand upon Mare Winningham’s character (and based on the scenes next week, we know they drag her in).  Chances of survival: 50%

Vitaly Corleonovich – Dead by 5 AM.  Last week that I’m going to leave him here, as I think he’s done for the season, and will now just rot in jail  Chances of survival: 90%

Samir – Dead by 7 AM.  The whole dirty bomb thing may play out for several more hours, but certainly not the rest of the season.  I’m thinking (hoping…praying…drinking rum to Jobu), that this part’s over by 7 AM.  Chances of survival: 0%

Tarin – Dead by 10 AM. We know how it worked out for Romeo and Juliet.  Chances of survival: 40%

Kayla – Dead by 10 AM. On the other hand, in West Side Story, Maria makes it.  Chances of survival: 75%

Achmed the Dead President – Dead by 1 PM. Does he sacrifice himself to save his daughter?  One can only hope.  Chance of survival: 67%.

Dana Starbuck – Dead by 2 PM.  Another chance for someone redeeming themselves by sacrificing their lives for the better good.  Had she only done this 10 hours ago.  Chances of survival: 50%

Cole Ortiz – Dead by 2 PM.  Don’t disregard the possibility of both Cole and Dana dying, with Arlo honoring their memory by continuing the cover-up.  Chances of survival: 30%

BubbaHastings – Dead by 3 PM.  I hate myself for this…but Bubba is starting to grow on me.  Which means he must die.  Chances of survival: 65%

Renee Walker – Dead by 4 PM.  Chances of survival: I’m actually up to 80% this week.  Chance of her making it to Jack’s apartment? 0%

Chief of Staff RobWeasel – Dead by 4 PM.  Hopefully killed by the bare hands of Charles Logan. Chances of survival: 75%