Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

 

So THIS is episode that we were breathlessly told last week would “change everything”?

Something else I just realized.  M. Night Shyamalan MUST have been hired to right the Dana/Cole/KevinBob/Milton subplot.  That is the only explanation I can have for something that started out badly, and has steadily got worse Every. Stinking. Episode. 

Recap

Right away, we have another reminder that there is a “twist that will change everything” coming tonight.  Oh, my!  I wonder what it could be?  Any chance that it will be something we’ve not seen before?  Any chance that ESPN won’t mention Tiger Woods in the next week?

They start off with Bubba talking about how Tarin is “planning to disable our defense systems”.  Really?  He’s the (former) head of security for the president of a foreign country, so I’m not exactly seeing how his job duties and previous places visited would allow him to do that, but perhaps I’m missing something here like a triple PhD in nuclear physics, computer science, and quantum mechanics.

Unless he’s working with a mole inside CTU or the White House.

A mole?  In either of those places?

Never!!!!  That would really be an unexpected twist that would Change Everything (except for my opinion that the writers are a bunch of brain dead monkeys).

Not three minutes into the broadcast, and it’s already time for the Ten Minute Drinking Game™ as that is the (only) answer that Dana gives Bubba when he asks “how far out is NYPD from Tarin’s hotel”?

Kayla tries to make a break for it, and is disappointed to find out that she can’t open the bathroom window all the way in her hotel room on the 5^th floor.  Imagine that!  Meanwhile, Jack and Cole are on their way to the hotel, arguing with the Joe Torre look-alike NYPD Sgt who doesn’t seem to take the threat that seriously.  When he turned around, I was pretty sure I saw “Kill Me” written across his back.

Tarin sees the idiotic cops moving in, and makes a run for it.  The DeadMeat Sgt ignores Jacks order to stand down and hold the perimeter until Jack gets there, and of course screws the pooch, dies for his stupidity, and allows Tarin to take a radio and send everyone off on a wild goose chase.  Again, let this be a lesson to all of you:  Ignore Jack Bauer’s Instructions and Die. 

Luckily, Jack is way too smart for Tarin’s diversion tactic.  So he is right away tracking him.  But it doesn’t matter, as two more police officers forgot to pack their bullet proof vests this morning, and are right now being told by St. Peter, “WTF were you THINKING?”.  Meanwhile, Tarin and Kayla have escaped.

Yes, this episode is just overrun so far with shocking twists!  I can hardly control my emotions!

So whatever will we do while we’re waiting for Tarin to get his lover/hostage to their secret hideout?  Yeah…you guessed it…more Dana B.S.  Milton Prady is there at CTU to meet her.  Once again, I’m not at all surprised that a top law enforcement agency in the middle of a crisis will let someone waltz in at 3:15 AM.  Dana makes up a quasi-believable story about her getting drunk and sleeping with KevinBob, (the Ick Factor is at 9.8) and then being very, very sorry about it.  Milton obviously doesn’t believe her, and vows to stick around until he can interrogate her in greater depth.  Or was it that he actually said he was going to stick around just to piss me off?

Now that they have Kayla in the abandoned bank vault, one of at least hundreds that are now sitting around New York since 2008…they are ready to put even more Evil Plots into action.  Samir rings up the President, using Mommy’s cell phone (the only one they haven’t tapped yet…how’d he know to do that?), and demands that Omar give up “File 33”.  Omar’s eyes immediately say “Holy, Shit!”, while the rest of his face remains stoic (kudos to Anil Kapoor on a fine acting job right there).  Omar stays cool, and demands to speak to his daughter.  Samir instead tells him to browse to www.LookAtYourCaptiveDaughterWhoIsAboutToDie.com, where they see her in front of the Achmed I KEEL YOU Flag, and where Samir decides to plug Ziploc bags by showing what a great job they do in sealing up the breathing passages of terrified Royal Princesses.  Omar is in a spot, pressured by Jack, Bubba, and his wife into divulging the Secret of the File…which turns out to be the John Edwards missing porn tape…er…scratch that, it’s detailed secrets of the entire US nuclear defense plans.  Turns out they were picked up for a bargain at Edward McKay’s Used Books…pretty much normal for “secrets” of the US when it comes to “24”.

Jack lets them know that they can’t allow Omar to give them that information…and Omar and Wife are stunned that he is so selfish as to not see why her life is more important than 50,000 plus people in Manhattan.  Luckily, Chloe and Arlo have a good lead on the location (CitiBank, Chase, JP Morgan, whatever), so the Good Guys are out to rescue her before Time Runs Out.

As we’re back from break, Milton is allowed to roam around the halls at CTU unchecked, taking Dana away from her duties while he accuses her of helping out KevinBob in the robbery.  And this plot line just continues to get more and more stupid by the second.    Dana calls up Cole to tell him that Milton has it all figured out, and that she is going to give up.  At least Jack rightfully chastises Cole to get his head in the game.

Now at the deadline for transmission of the files, Kayla pleads some more with Tarin…and it works (?) as he makes a break for it.  You know, Tarin, if you would have thought of this 45 minutes ago, we’d be in a whole different set of circumstances now, wouldn’t we?  But he didn’t and now he’s turning up daisies because of it, since he made Stupid Decision #33, getting out of the car he had just started to fight a guy rather than just driving off…allowing Samir to put a few bullets in him.  Kayla was at least able to drive off.

And thankfully she was able to get in contact with CTU and Dana on the first dial in…because everyone does.  CTU now know the location of the bank, so Jack quietly tip-toes up and shoots out the glass door.  Yes, our Man knows how to Make an Entrance.  And I’m sure as hell hoping that Samir left a few flunkies around, because Jack really, seriously needs to kill someone. 

Shoot…no one around, because what secret bank vault would be complete without a set of tunnels that would make the Phantom of the Opera proud?  Samir & Co. are making a break for it, with Jack and Cole in pursuit.  The bad guys are getting clean away into an SUV, when the super-dooper Facial Recognition System sees….

Tarin!

Which means that Kayla and the car?  A setup?!?  She’s unknowingly driving a bomb that would take out CTU?  But not a “real” bomb…but an EMP that would take down their entire computer and power system!!!

How could this happen?!?  CTU is like Fort Knox, dammit!  It’s not like anyone could just drive up with a bomb…er it’s not like anyone can just waltz around the halls unchallenged…er, it’s not like someone could drive a redneck van right up to within five feet of the front door…er…nevermind.

24 Rock Movement #33: Having a Single Point of Failure Such That Taking It Out Puts the Entire Country At Risk.  Ready Go.

Wow…we haven’t seen that Movement since?  Let me think…Oh, yeah….since LAST season with the CIP-36 Exploding Country Module

Final Thoughts

“A Shocking Twist That Changes Everything”.  Are you effing kidding me?  We get the 20^th attack on CTU, and the 10^th time they’ve used 24 Rock Movement #33.  The only shocking thing is that they are stupid enough to think that WE are stupid enough to believe them.

And it looks like it may be time to bring back the Milk Carton.  Where the hell have these people been?

Renee – The most obvious flaw in the past few episodes have been the exclusion of the lovely Miss Walker.

President Taylor – Busy running away like Sir Robin

RobWeasel – See above.

Vitaly Corleonovich – Rotting away in jail while trying to figure out where in the back yard that he’s going to bury his other son.

Ethan – Not seen since I think the second episode

Owen the Nervous – Probably taking his time changing (and cleaning) his underwear

Bauer Body Count

10. 

Still.

Sigh.

Expiration Dates / Chances of Survival

Escorted Feet First Off the Island

No one this week, unless you count the idiotic security guard who drove the bomb-mobile all of five feet before it went off.  And he doesn’t even get the Stupidest Person To Die Award for this week.  That would be our listening impaired NYPD Sergeant.

Anticipated Time of Remaining Life for Key 24 Characters, and the odds that they will survive the “day”.

Owen the Nervous – Dead by 5 AM.  Somebody has to die in the shootouts next week. Chance of survival: 30%

Samir – Dead by 5 AM.  I still think he gets bumped off and then Tarin takes over as the HMFIC.  Chances of survival: 0%

Milton Pardy – Dead by 5 AM.  He’s got to get bumped off before Dana officially turns herself in.  Maybe when the bomb went off, he was impaled by a flying Swingline stapler.  Chance of survival: 10%

Kayla – Dead by 8 AM.  Now that she’s “safe” at CTU, she’s probably in even more danger than before.  Chance of survival: 50%

Tarin – Dead by 10 AM. The fact that he’s already risen from the dead once means for certain that he’s a goner.  Chances of survival: 0%

Dana Starbuck – Dead by 11 AM.  She is already Dead to Me. Chances of survival: 50%

Omar Hassan – Dead by 1 PM.  He’s getting more likable, which increases the odds of his demise.  Chance of survival: 67%.

Cole Ortiz – Dead by 3 PM.  Killed by a rouge ScobbyDoo DVD.  Chances of survival: 30%

BubbaHastings – Dead by 3 PM.  I was almost sure that he was going to be the one jumping in the car to try to drive off before the bomb went off.  Chances of survival: 60%

Renee Walker – Dead by 4 PM.  Still pissed I didn’t see her or her cleavage tonight.  Chance of survival: 80%

Chief of Staff RobWeasel – Another big, giant meh.  Chances of survival: 50%