Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Welcome Back

My apologies for having missed placing this column last week, as circumstances beyond my control found me out of town.  Frankly, I don’t think I could have picked a better week to miss, as this was an excruciating two hours, with the exception of a very interesting twist at the end.  So before we move on to this week’s episode, let’s touch base on what happened last week.

6 – 8 AM Summary

We really only had three main points to the entire two hours;  discovering the bomb/dealing with traitors, the Dana Situation, and the Trial of Hassan

Bombs Away! (or maybe not)

As opposed to the whole awful Dana plot line that is like a chainsaw carrying Energizer Rabbit Zombie, and keeps going and going and going, killing brain cells along the way…The RobWeasel/Gen. Turdisdumb Conspiracy Group had as much shelf life as a late innings relief pitcher for the Cleveland Indians.

On the good side, they actually DID achieve their objective, which was stopping the bomb going off that would have killed 50,000 Yankees fans.  OK, so maybe it wasn’t that good of a thing after all.  They were also ratted out by the surviving mercenary.  BTW, did you notice how quickly they backpeddled and are now calling those scumbuckets that killed the Secret Service agents “mercenaries” instead of soldiers?

I fart in your general direction, patronizing and stupid writers.  Your mothers were hamsters and your fathers smelt of elderberries.

Seeing President Taylor get good and pissed off was enjoyable, as was her reaction towards the traitors once Jack tipped her off, and she had the Army and the Secret Service break down the door.  Hopefully they’ll hold Gen. Turdisdumb close to a few Secret Service agents who can treat this dick like a speedbag for awhile.

The Dana Situation

Dana Walsh continues to be the…

Worst.

Mole.

Ever.

First of all, Arlo catches Dana in a place she isn’t supposed to be, and pretty much busts her…but he’s probably still too stupid to know it.  When he turns his back on her, she is ready to strangle him as well, but she gets interrupted when Chloe calls Arlo back to the command center.  She does then call Tarin and warns him, and then tries to make a break for it.

Too late, as Jack ends up with Tarin’s cell phone, and Chloe is able to use that information to quickly figure out what’s up.

So Dana finally gets busted, and starts shooting up the local guards.  Cole finally catches her, and it’s all he can do to not put a slug in her.  Of course she doesn’t ask for her lawyer…she asks for Jack Bauer.

She wants immunity and money.  Jack is tempted to rip her lungs out.  So he just picks her up and slams her against the wall with his hand on her throat.

“Dammit, Jack!” says Bubba, while at the same time Renee is giving a little smile that says “I am so HOT watching him do this”.

Unfortunately, she gets her wish.  It would be so nice not to have to deal with her anymore, but I don’t think we’re going to be that lucky.

The Trial of Hassasn

Nobody usually gets the drop on Jack Bauer…unless it’s the President of an almost nuclear armed Islamic Regime using a rebar to the back of Jack’s head so he can trade himself for the lives of 50,000 stupid Knicks fans who are probably ready to kill themselves anyway now that it’s an almost certainty that they aren’t going to sign LeBron James.

I noticed that while Jack was trying to track down Hassan, he stole a car.  Never before has Jack went over 12 hours into a season without stealing a car.  And it’s a Hyundai?  OK, it’s a sharp looking, fast one…but still.  I mean….damn!

Looks like they’ve got Tarin tracked as he tries to deliver Hassan to Samir, but thanks to that skank Dana, he’s able to slip the CTU net, transfer Hassan to another vehicle, and then elude Jack for just a few seconds before pulling a Peter Pan right off the roof of a parking deck.

The subterfuge worked, as Hassan is delivered up to Samir, who tortures him a bit trying to force him into a confession.  When it becomes obvious that Omar is too honorable to do this, Samir dons a ski mask and conducts the Internet “trial” himself.  Meanwhile, Jack and Renee are using the information Dana gave them to track them down, finding the apartment just in what appears to be the nick of time.

Except that it wasn’t.  For some (totally unexplained and unfathomable) reason, the trial was on a five or ten minute tape delay, and after Jack shoots all the bad guys (and Renee shoots the bad girl), he finds Omar slumped over in his chair, dead from having his throat slashed.

And the surprising end comes with the use of the “This is Some Serious Shit” Silent Clock.

8 - 9 AM

Jack and President Taylor are doing a wrap up of the Clusterspork that was the rescue attempt of Omar.  Allison is positive that it’s Game Over.  Meanwhile, Samir is actually alive…because that’s what Jack Bauer Wanted.

At least for five more seconds, until an EMT kills him with a super poisonous cocktail.  I’m not sure what it was, but it was probably related to that drink I had Saturday night..the one that made me think that singing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” was a wise karaoke choice.  In any case, how nice of them to start us right off with something we’ve only seen at least ten other times on “24”; a Bad Guy who was in the perfect position to arrive at a crime scene five minutes after it’s over…in costume…and able to kill another Bad Guy before he talked.

Jack thinks everything is Done, so he’s going to check out for a booty call with Renee, and then he’ll be heading to LA to meet up with Kim.  So how many years has he been doing this?  Hello?  Is the series called “16:05”?  I don’t think so, so just suck it back up, Jack, you’ve got seven hours and 55 minutes to go, and if WE have to endure this shit, so do you (more on that in Final Thoughts as well).

The Russian delegate is still acting like a Russian Douchebag, making a snide remark to the Kamistralian delegate Jamot about how Jamot is probably secretly happy that Omar is dead, since the DeadPresident (appearing soon on the 1,000 Rupee bill), had him interrogated.  Jamot basically tells Douchebagovich to Get Bent, as he needs to discuss something important with President Taylor.

Douchebagovich shows his status as a Four Star Douchebag when he receives a call from the FakeEMT, stating that all of Samir’s men have been killed.  Douchebagovich is happy because he thinks they are now in the clear, but FakeEMT thinks he might have been recognized by Renee.  FakeEMT is following Jack and Renee, and tells Douchebagovich in a waaayyyyy too cocky voice that “I’ll take Jack Bauer out while I’m at it”.  Stupid, stupid soon-to-be Deadman.

Jamot and Allison meet up with Lady McBathist, and in a totally shocking move (at least to the chronically naïve), they try to talk her into taking over the presidency.  She, of course, wants nothing to do with that suicide mission, but naturally she is guilt-tripped into doing it.  One minute later, she’s already planning her re-election plans and figuring out how she’ll re-do the Royal china patterns.

Homeland Security Secretary Wild Tim Woods gives Chloe a call, letting her know that the Peace Talks at the UN are back on, but he tells her there is a concern about whether or not CTU can handle the security.  I have absolutely NO idea why he would possibly think such a thing, given their stellar record.  But be that as it may, Wild Tim has decided that BubbaHastings needs to go out to the Great Shrimp Boat In The Sky.  But until they can vet suitable candidates, Chloe has the job.

Let’s just take a moment to revel in a couple of thoughts here.  First would be the “vetting process” for CTU Head.

Ability to allow multiple spies/traitors/moles into high level positions?

Willingness to die in some horrible death?

Cool!  You’re hired!

And then we have the wonderful mental images of Chloe as the HMFIC.  A natural leader, with all the charm and winning ways with people as Bill Belichick.

What could possibly go wrong?

At 8:21, Jack and Renee get to his apartment, and within two minutes, they are going at it.  Now if I am not mistaken, there have been many characters having sex during various seasons of “24”, but I’m pretty sure this is a first for Jack.  And to that, I say; “about damn time”.

Since we can’t obviously stick around for that aspect of it…although we CAN at least hope that they’ll make the “24” movie R-Rated and allow us to at least have some gratuitous total frontal nudity…we have to look in at something else for awhile.  And it’s at some poor old guy who gets stabbed to death by FakeEMT.  Naturally, he was stabbed in the lower abdomen…which of course meant he was dead before he hit the ground.  After all, he’s no Jack Bauer…who gets stabbed in the abdomen and then has sex.

Old Dead Guy’s apartment is right across from Jack’s place, where he can get his rocks off by watching them get it on.  “America!  What a Country!”

Douchebagovich tries to piss all over President Taylor’s Corn Flakes, telling her that he will not sign the peace agreement, so she runs right over to Ethan to get his help.  Ethan’s suggestion?  Get Charles Logan on the job to butter back up the Russian President.  As we discover, Logan was pardoned by President Ford…er…President Daniels (Powers Boothe doing just one more bit of evil to the world).

Jack’s still not done giving Renee the Best Time of Her Life, so it’s time for more political boredom as Lady McBathist argues with Kayla, who isn’t happy about her accepting the position of “provisional president”.  Another whiny President’s child…how original.

Charles and Allison have their Summit Meeting, as he slimes his way back into a position of fame and power.  Logan has something sneaky in mind (of course), and he convinces Allison that he’s the only one who can do it, and that he needs to keep his activities secret from her.  She reluctantly agrees, and the season just got so much better because of it.

We are finally back to Jack’s apartment, knowing that there is a man across the street with a high powered rifle looking in on them.  But for now, Jack is SOOOO happy!  The last thing he says before leaving the bedroom is “Don’t move”.  But she does move, and therefore, knowing how this ends, she becomes victim number four this year of the “Disobey Jack and Die Rule”.  She gets a call from Chloe about Samir dying from being poisoned, and she then remembers that the EMT looked familiar.  She goes towards Jack, and is shot.  Jack dodges bullets getting Renee out, and then gets her into a taxi to the ER, with the cab driver showing that he graduated from the Jack Bauer School of Big City Driving.

We’ve still got six minutes to go, so we need something to keep us occupied while we are waiting, so Chloe calls Jack and lets him know that they have nothing…except that little bit about Samir being poisoned and Renee maybe recognizing the Ruskie.

Right then, the doctor comes out and tells him that Renee has died…and I am so damn depressed right now.  How the hell could they have killed off the most Perfect Woman ever seen on “24”? (OK, so she was batshit crazy for awhile…nothing I haven’t dealt with before).

You would expect at some point that they’d just stop it with all of the plot retreads…but who the hell am I kidding?  This whole season has been one bad plot regurgitation after another.

Jack breaks down next to Renee’s body, and for the second week in a row, we end with the Silent Clock.

Final Thoughts

We is gonna have one majorly pissed off Bauer next week killing more Russians than cheap vodka.

In the previews for next week, the announcers says that “there are only six hours remaining”.  Huh?  It’s 9 AM..in six hours, it will be 3 PM.  Which is not 4 PM…so that would be 23 hours, not 24.  Then again, in a season with the worst writing in the history of this show, it’s not surprising that they can’t even have competent writing for the 30 second previews.

Speaking of incompetence, we get more Dana next week.  Pass the barf bag.

Bauer Body Count

21.  I was tempted to give him credit for Samir or Tarin, but I really can't.

Escorted Feet First From the Island

Busy two week period for this category.

Tarin – Went out like an Islamic Duke of Hazzard.

Omar Hassan – Islamic Leaders who are good men at heart don’t have a good survival rate in “24”.  See also Hamri Al-Assad (Alexander Siddig) from 2007.  Then again, what demographic DOES have a good survival rate in “24”?

Samir – Might be on the list of Five Most Boring Terrorists for “24”.  I’d list the others, but they were so boring that I forgot.

Renee Walker – DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!

Expiration Dates / Chances of Survival

Anticipated Time of Remaining Life for Key 24 Characters, and the odds that they will survive the “day”.

FakeEMT – Dead by 10 AM.  Still stupidly pursuing Jack.  He will certainly “catch him”  Chance of survival: 0%

Arlo – Dead by 11 AM.  Dana could still take care of him.  Chances of survival: 75%

Minister Douchebagovich – Dead by 12 PM.  Maybe Charles Logan slimes him to death.  Chance of survival: 25%

Dana Starbuck – Dead by 1 PM.  If I had a way of jumping through the TV screen into that cell, I would strangle her myself.  Chances of survival: 25%

BubbaHastings – Dead by 1 PM.  He’s not going away.  Now that he’s out as CTU head, look for him to do some Bill Buchanan sacrifice.  Being that the writers have re-done every other bit, this one seems a certainty.  Chances of survival: 10%

Lady McBathist – Dead by 2 PM.  She’ll be threatened…probably several times.  But I just don’t see them bumping off two Presidents in one day  Chance of survival: 90%

Chloe – Dead by 3 PM.  Now that she’s the head of CTU, she must go on this list.  Maybe the “interim” title might save her.  Chance of survival: 80%

Ethan – Dead by 3 PM.  Inadvertent collateral damage from Charles Logan sliming Douchebagovich to death.  Chance of survival: 50%

Cole Ortiz – Dead by 4 PM.  Nothing to live for now.  I’m not talking about Cole, I’m talking about FPJ.  Chances of survival: 30%

Kayla – Dead by 4 PM.  Whines so much that she drowns in her own tears. Chance of survival: 75%