Written by Mitch Cyrus

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A day late and a dollar short, is the old expression.  Well, this column is a day late as my normal routine was thrown off due to a business trip that saw me getting back home just in time to watch Game 5 of the Cavaliers-Bulls series.  And if you think I was missing that to watch this tripe…you’ve got a worse drinking problem then I do.

But this series isn’t a “dollar short”.  It just doesn’t have any cents/sense.

Thank you.  I’ll be here all week.  Try the veal.

So this begins the six episodes that were filmed after taking a break for Kiefer Sutherland’s surgery.  Hopefully during the break, the writers all underwent surgeries, and their moronoscopies were all successful, and we can perhaps have a decent ending.

And perhaps that Powerball I purchased while getting enough beer to get me through this episode will win me $200 million.

Recap

Chloe wants Jack to talk to her.  So does the Air Force.  But Jack is having none of it, and is able to land on a nearby building to make a break for it.  And as many times through the years that the bad guys have been able to make good on their escape in this manner, I’m assuming that Jack can do so as well.  All he needs is a couple of convenient trees to hide under…and THERE they are.  Pretty simple, actually.

Chloe is at least smart enough to realize that Dana will probably be a target, and even smarter…she probably knows that given CTU’s track record of security, Dana is probably as safe as a drunken co-ed in a bathroom stall with Ben Roethlisberger.  Not that it’s going to matter one little bit later on when President Taylor decides to act like one of Ben’s bodyguards.

Ethan isn’t thrilled about the news of Jack’s escape, but he’s even less thrilled with the criminal and impeachable actions of President Taylor, and begs her to change course immediately.  She doesn’t want to give up on her “legacy”, but is finally convinced, as she tearfully asks Ethan to prepare a press conference in 40 minutes.  Just enough time for Charles Logan to screw things up, I’m sure.

Logan, of course, has another weasel up his sleeve.  He recommends having “a private security firm” take Dana, and torture her until they get the information, and then sit on it until the Peace Accords have been signed.

Color me totally confused.  Ethan just talks her out of committing crimes, and sixty seconds later Logan convinces her to not ONLY cover up the evidence against the Russians, but also to agree to numerous other criminal acts against a U.S. citizen.  Granted, Dana is one scummy, traitorous US citizen, but one afforded rights nonetheless.

In other words, while Kiefer was recovering from his surgery, the writers got DUMBER.

Chloe looks as disgusted as I am when Allison tells her to release Dana to the private dicks.  Her mood is not helped when Jack calls asking her to help him.  She initially refuses, but you know damn good and well that she has as little power to resist Jack as I do to resist the beer specials at Buffalo Wild Wings on Friday nights.

Looks like Jack is going to need another super computer geek/arms dealer to help him out here.  Conveniently, there just happens to be one within walking distance, so he calls up Mr. Blonde, who is busy spying on the entire planet from his mother’s basement.  Jack wants weapons, communications equipment, body armor, and the seven secret herbs and spices used by KFC.  I’m sure Mr. Blonde has all that he needs, in the exact sizes and specifications demanded.

The security team has arrived, and speaking of actors who used to actually have decent roles in honest-to-goodness motion pictures (cough...Michael Madsen…cough), here is the artist formerly known as D.B. Sweeney playing the sleazy head of the “evil private security firm”.  The last I personally saw of D.B., he was playing the sleazy head of the “evil private security firm” in “Jericho”...a series that at this point makes so much more sense than this garbage.  DB is on the phone with Logan’s lackey, advocating the murder of Dana after he’s done torturing the information out of her.  Wow…who would have seen that little development coming?

So why would ANYONE object to this plan of action?  Do the writers actually expect us to be sympathetic to the lying skank at this point?  Hell, I’ve been advocating killing her since ten minutes into the first episode.

In any case, DB falls for Chloe’s trick to get his phone, and she is able to pull all the information needed in all of 2 seconds.  Chloe then changes her mind, and calls Cole to help her track down Jack.  But Cole is now thinking that maybe they ought to help Jack.  And I’m thinking that I’m not sure I can take another 5 ½ hours of this dreck.

Jack gets the equipment from Mr. Blonde, while sneeringly telling him that he’s not off the hook for all that he owes Jack.  In other words, we’ll be seeing Mr. Blonde again.  Jack then calls up Chloe, who sends him to an address she picked for setting Jack up…and Jack has no idea he’s being played (of course, he doesn’t.  No…I really, truly believed that.  I also believe that the Indians have a chance to contend this year).

And Jack is “ten minutes out”.

The Female Flip-Flop Hour continues as Allison attempts to justify her continued Nixonian behavior to Ethan.  He’s had enough of this stupidity…so he resigns.  “I’m not abandoning you, I’m listening to my conscience.  Anyway…you’ve got Charles Logan now”, he says with a bit of a smirk/sneer…HAH!  Best line of the month on this show.

Time for a little break from the hideousness that we’ve seen so far this episode, so we get a “touching” little scene with Lady McBathist and Kayla.  This was nothing more than filler while Jack got to the “safehouse”.

Which was pretty much several minutes of the most boring “tension” I ever remember seeing.

Jack, of course, out-foxes them, and then forces Cole to lie to Chloe, and then convinces Cole to go along with Jack’s plan.  Buh-bye, Cole…it’s been nice knowing you.

Wrap up time:  First, Ethan gets one last good scene as he calls out Logan for being the rat-bastard that he is.  Then we get a quick scene with Dana seeing the torture instruments she is about to endure…the worst one being a dvd shown to her that simply reads; “24: Season 8”.  And during all of this, Allison gives a disgusting speech as we see her soul escaping her body.

Final Thoughts

Compared to “24”, IRS tax forms now make perfect sense.

The only comparison I can make regarding my feelings at the end of Hour 19 of this last season is what I felt like with 30 minutes left while watching the movie “The Happening”.  Every fiber of my being wanted to walk out and start the process of performing a Tequila-ectomy of all the brain cells that held any memory of this crap.

5 hours  to go

Bauer Body Count

21.  Looks like we might get to add a DB next week.

Escorted Feet First From the Island

The last remaining piece of morality existing in President Taylor’s body

Expiration Dates / Chances of Survival (Bitter Writer Edition)

Mitch’s Liver – Excessive drinking due to watching this show may end up putting me in the David Crosby category.  Chance of survival – 50% (now if there were 10 hours to go, that may drop down to about 5%).