Written by Mitch Cyrus

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So I really wanted to get out last week and watch “The Last Airbender”.

OK…that may be true in the same line as saying “I really wanted to go to the doctor for that colonoscopy last week”.

In truth, I haven’t had a movie in some time where I’ve just been able to vent my spleen, Dan Gilbert style, against a truly rotten film in awhile (mini-reviews don’t count), and nothing could provide a better target than the latest M. Night Shyamalan stinker.  It seemed to have all the components for a nastily constructed Spergeon Wynn rating with lots and lots of snarky comments.

But why bother?

Truth is; M. Night is a hack who has made yet another horrible movie.  Been there; done that.  And frankly, I was like everyone else in Northeast Ohio, a little too fixated on the 3 Ring Circus being conducted by LeQuit James.  So why would I intentionally spend ten bucks to watch a complete piece of crap?  The answer was; I couldn’t.  Besides, I had something much crappier to watch.

Mini Review - “The Decision”

Hey, I still have some sports writing creds here, so bear with me on this one.

LeChoke James chose to get on national TV in order to take a public dump on Cleveland in one of the most disgusting displays of ego ever seen.  Of course, his willing lackey in this effort were the cretins at E$PN, flushing down the toilet the last thimbleful of integrity they had.

That same thimbleful measurement is a much larger figure than is needed to denote the amount of class seen in LeTraitor.

No one is arguing that The Self Appointed One has earned the right to work wherever he wants.  It’s just the manner in which he went about it that stinks like yesterday’s dirty diapers.  He can't find the decency to phone Gilbert to tell him his intention, nor simply hold a press conference to announce his intentions.

No, he has to stage a reality show for himself so that he can drag Cleveland through the wringer once again.

But not as much as James’ reputation, which is now shot, for the ‘man’ has proven that he just doesn’t have what it takes to ever go down as one of the game’s greatest players.

He couldn’t stick around and be the centerpiece of a championship.  Not like Jordan, Russell, Bird, Magic, Kobe, Duncan, Olajuwon, or Isiah.

He couldn’t stomach the prospect of going to New York and being the savior there, because the spotlight would be too bright, the pressure too much, and James just doesn’t have the mental and emotional fortitude to stand up to that level of stress.

Ditto going to Chicago.  He could have been the undisputed leader of a great young team with Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah…but the thought of dealing with the demands of producing in the land of Michael Jordan’s six titles turned LeCoward’s clay feet into mud.

So he runs to Miami.  To a team led by Dwayne Wade, a man who has already led his team to a championship.  He further stacks the deck by going with another soft-in-the-middle “great” player who has proven NOTHING, Chris Bosh.  He goes there not to lead a team to a championship, but to ride the coattails of someone who has already done so.

As seen in the playoff series between the Cavs and the Celtics; Prince James could not stand the pressure of being Like Mike and simply willing his team on to victory.  Instead; he folded like a lawn chair.

So now he runs off to Miami; perfectly content to be LeRobin to D Wade’s batman.

But only after publically humiliating Cleveland.

Enjoy the beach, LeRobin, and your “place” in basketball history.  And just remember that D-Wade likes his coffee with two teaspoons of milk and three teaspoons of sugar.  And don’t forget to pick up his laundry at the dry cleaners on your way in.

My Rating – Art Modell (0 Class)

News and Rumors

~ Leonardo DiCaprio is teaming up with Ridley Scott again, this time in a movie perfectly timed for the current economic mess; “The Wolf of Wall Street”.  Penned by Sopranos (and Boardwalk Empire) writer Terry Winter, it will follow DiCaprio as a head stockbroker leading a team in coaching clients to purchase stocks that fund their extravagant lifestyles.  Let’s just hope that this is better than the last DiCaprio/Scott collaboration; “Body of Lies”.

~ There might be a live action adaption of “The Little Mermaid” coming to the big screen.  But before you start rolling your eyes at the thoughts of singing crabs, realize that this one is to be based more on the actual Hans Christian Anderson tale, which is more adult oriented and rather dark and sorrowful.  It will also be directed by Joe Wright, whose last two films, “Atonement”, and “The Soloist” were not exactly bundles of family joy.

~ Great cast being lined up for an adaptation of spymaster novelist extraordinaire John Le Carre’s “Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy”.  Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Ralph Fiennes and Michael Fassbender have signed on for the thriller which follows the hunt for a mole within British MI6.

~ “Avatar” will be coming back to the theaters on August 27 as a “Special Edition”.  The “special” part is all of EIGHT minutes being added on.  This will only be seen on 3D and IMAX screens, which is a treat if you’ve only seen it at home (even with Blu-Ray).  But other than that?  It looks like a crass way to milk out even more money.  I wonder if LeBron James is connect to this?

~ Not a good sign for a movie that I was looking forward to:  “The Adjustment Bureau”, with Matt Damon and Emily Blunt in a quasi-science fiction thriller, has been moved from September 17 to March 4, 2011.  But then again, maybe they are taking a page out of the “Shutter Island” book, which was moved to early in the year, and made a boatload of money.

~ Viggo Mortensen is being cast as Sigmund Freud in an upcoming biographical feature of the famed psychiatrist called “A Dangerous Method”.  Oh, and the movie is to be directed by David Cronenberg, who worked with Viggo on two of my favorite films of the last ten years, “A History of Violence” and “Eastern Promises”.

Stupid Remakes and Sequels

~ Another Superman reboot appears in the works, after the failure of Bryan Singer’s 2006 disappointment.  This one is to be directed by Chris Columbus, the schmaltz specialist behind the first two cutesy Harry Potter movies and the Home Alone features.  He also directed “Mrs. Doubtfire”, “Bicentenial Man”, “Rent” and “I Love You, Beth Cooper”.  This does not look good.

 

This week's new movie releases: 

Despicable Me

Starring: LeBron James (OK, so it’s the voice of Steve Carell…couldn’t resist)

Plot :  A trio of orphan girls cause the normally deplorable Gru to rethink his plan to steal the moon.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: This is the first animated film from Universal Pictures, and the early reports have this as good family entertainment.  Not a classic in any way that would threaten Pixar’s chokehold on the category, but something that the kiddies will really enjoy without driving the parents to despair for having to sit through it.

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Predators

Starring: Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, Topher Grace

Plot : A group of elite warriors are transported to a strange world and hunted by members of a merciless alien race

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: Never had much use for this series after the first Ah-nuld film.  I didn’t really think the Danny Glover sequel was that bad, but nothing to write home about.  For the rest of the series (especially the “AVP” debacles)?  Yech.  But this one actually looks good, which one would expect with Robert Rodriguez as the producer.  This is getting very good early reviews, something quite rare for an R-Rated “horror” film.  If I can get past my post LeQuit funk, I’ll try to get out to see this one this week.

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New DVD Releases for Tuesday, July 13:

The Bounty Hunter  – More proof that Gerard Butler should stick to action flicks and stay away from Romantic Comedies.  In this one, he’s supposed to be bringing in his ex-wife to testify against some bad guys, who end up trying to kill both of them.

Our Family Wedding  – Let’s make a movie about an African American marrying a Hispanic American so we can laugh at all the crazy stereotypes.  I can’t believe someone with the acting talent of Forest Whitaker would sign on for something this lame.

Calendar Watch  

Next Week: Inception, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers).

Salt – July 23 – Angelina Jolie as a CIA operative accused of being a Russian spy.

Eat Pray Love – August 13 – Julia Roberts in this critically acclaimed ultimate chick-flick about a newly divorced woman’s journey of self-enlightenment.  Guys…get ready to get drug to this one.

The Expendables – August 13 – Sylvester Stallone, Jason Stratham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture, and Steve Austin in a movie about mercenaries.  With appearances from Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  What more could any guy ask for?  

The American – September 1 –George Clooney as an assassin hiding out in an Italian village awaiting what he hopes is his last job.

Machete – September 3 – Yes, they made a full length film from the “trailer” shown in “Grindhouse” with Danny Trejo as the revenge minded blade wielder.

Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps – September 24 – Oliver Stone brings Michael Douglass back as Gordon Gecko, teaming him with Shia LaBeouf in a film that looks to be quite different in tone than the last one.

Secretariat – October 8 – Diane Lane in the story of possibly the greatest race horse ever.  Could this be another “Seabiscuit”?

Red – October 15 – Another Bruce Willis action vehicle.  This time he is a former black ops agent reassembling his old team to thwart an attack from a high-tech assassin.

Hereafter – October 22 – Clint Eastwood directs a supernatural thriller with Matt Damon.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I – November 19 – Part One of the final book about Harry, Hermione, and Ron.  This one (and I’m sure the last one) will be in 3-D.

Red Dawn – November 25 – Yes, they actually remade this semi-classic.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – December 10 – Third tale of the series…some people (like my wife) are still looking forward to it.

Tron Legacy – December 17 – Might be the most anticipated Holiday release of this year.

Gulliver’s Travels – December 22 – Jack Black takes on the iconic role.

True Grit – December 25 – The Coen Brothers remake the iconic John Wayne movie with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon.

The Adjustment Bureau – March, 2011 – Matt Damon in a mind bender about a politician falling for a ballerina (Emily Blunt), only to be stymied by mysterious forces keeping the would-be lovers apart.